Where Have all the Hobos Gone?

Veggie Basil Pizza

2012-02-26T18:17:00.000-05:00

Tonight is my Super Bowl. That's right, the Oscars. And just like the Super Bowl I always make the same food. For the Super Bowl I make Party Meatballs; for the Oscars I make Veggie Pizza. The Super Bowl is all about the guys and fattening food. The Oscars are all about the ladies and healthier food.

I would love to tell you that everything that goes into this pizza is homemade, but I cannot lie and tell you that and I'll confess right now that I bought a store bought pizza crust and pizza sauce. However, if you are more inclined you can totally make this pizza with all homemade ingredients (crust and sauce) if that is your thing. Have at it and more power to you!

VEGGIE BASIL PIZZA

Whole Wheat Pizza Crust (I use Boboli)

Pizza Sauce, 15 oz (I use Muir Glen)

Olive Oil

Mozzarella Cheese (I use the pricier Mozzarella that comes in a square block)

Spinach

Tomato

Zucchini

Green & Red Bell Pepper

Red Onion

Fresh Basil

You can also add mushrooms for those who LOVE those things. I don't.
*scrunches nose*

Brush some olive oil on top of pizza crust.

Pour and spread about 1/2 of a can of the pizza sauce.

Mince up some fresh basil and sprinkle on top

Lay down enough (washed & dried) spinach leaves on the sauce that you will have a couple pieces in each slice

Next put on sliced onions, green & red bell peppers

Put on the sliced tomatoes and zucchini

Last cover with the mozzarella cheese. Enough so it'll cover the top once it melts

Bake in a 450 degree over for 10 minutes or until cheese is melted and starting to brown.

Let cool for 5 minutes.

Slice it up and enjoy!

I should also mention that today was (supposed to be) Happy NascOscar Day, because the Daytona 500 was also scheduled to happen.

The Rain Nazi however said, "No race for you!".

Stinky Piggies

2012-02-22T08:47:00.000-05:00

I'm practicing better techniques for computer drawing.

Step one: "How to draw a realistic metal tube".

The drawing above took me two hours, TWO HOURS! For that little drawing! Doing things well takes time and patience. I have a little time and zero patience. I'll stick to my crude less realistic interpretations. Like:

A STINKY PIGGY IN A TRUCK!

That black plume of smoke was the beginning of a stink cloud coming from the little piggy. Eventually, I planned to insert other pictures in the back of the truck alongside the pig. I got sidetracked.

The piggy drawing was inspired after I was driving and got stuck behind a tractor trailer that was hauling pigs. While stuck behind it in rush hour traffic, I had time to ponder the animals journey to their death. Eventually the stench shocked me out of my PETA stupor and I got the hell over and passed them while avoiding eye contact with those poor pork pooches as I passed by the truck.

In other news...

My dog, Steeler, turns ten years old this year. To commemorate his birthday, I decided to put together a photo montage of him as a puppy. Here it is:

Yes, that's right. I have ONE PICTURE of him as a puppy, and that picture is actually a black/white printed copied from the web page picture that was posted from the seller. I don't even have a puppy picture that I actually took by my own hand. For shame! What the hell was wrong with me?

The only thing I can blame is that I had already had my two children and was in revolt on taking pictures. I don't know. Damn, this sucks. Look how cute the little stinker was as a puppy. I need more photos of him and it isn't too late. He's still cute so I shall now go overboard with picture taking to try to lick my guilt wounds. Here goes....

"Are you serious right now?"


"A freakin snowman bandana? What did I do to deserve this?"

"Maybe if I fake sleep she'll leave me alone. Oh, who am I kidding."

"HUMILIATION. THAT'S WHAT THIS IS!"

QUESTION: Are you obsessed with taking a lot of pictures or are you lazy with it? Or do you not own a camera and live in a remote part of Mongolia* where owning a camera is reason for imprisonment?

(*I apologize to all Mongolians, I'm sure you allow your citizens freedom of picture snapping. You are just the first country that popped into my brain. By the way I love your beef dish. Thanks)

PS. I created an off shoot blog which will serve as a depository for my other drawings that don't really fit with the posts on my Hobo Blog. If interested go check it out. It is called "Canned Beans Gallery". You can also find the link at the top of this page, in case you were wondering what "Beans" was. I'll keep farting out pictures over there so check back.

Strapless Backless Gown vs Gingham Handkerchief Tops

2012-02-11T22:58:00.001-05:00

Haters gonna hate. No matter. A dolla makes me holla, honey boo boo child.

I know the show Toddlers & Tiaras is as wrong as can be, but I swear the little pageant girl, Alana, is my new hero. Forget about ingesting speedballs when you can just have Go Go juice! I can not run to the grocery store fast enough to pick up my mountain dew and red bull. If it is good enough for a six year old beauty queen, then damn it, it is all kinds of good enough for me. I want to have Go Go Juice parties. I want to serve Honey Boo Boo Cupcakes. I want to buy all my supplies with COUPONS! And, yes, I want everyone looking at my BELLEH!

Here she is.....

Have you all seen those new internet memes? I see them all the time on Pinterest. They are the "Reality vs Expectations" pictures. Whereby people find pictures of people verbing it in some manner and one of the pictures is considered expectation and the other reality. A complete collection can be found HERE.

Well, here's one I made up about the female speaking voice, mine imparticular.

I rock my daisy dukes, ya'll.

The Difference Between a Man and Woman - Foreign Accents

2012-02-04T21:18:00.000-05:00

Home Havens

2012-01-28T16:49:00.000-05:00

When we moved into our home we gained more storage including a cute storage closet located under our finished basement stairs. I thought about what to use it for - for months. I didn't want to clutter it up with junk because it seemed to be a waste to do that. The closet itself is actually quite roomy and cute. The walls are painted a calming tan color and the carpet extends from the finished living area in the basement into this closet.

I nabbed the under stairs closet as my own. Nothing was allowed in it and the closet remained empty for at least six months while I mulled over what to actually do with it.

Many ideas came to me but I was limited in what I could with it because of the sloped ceilings.

It was perfect for a themed room like:

The Alice in Wonderland Room

While cute, the Alice in Wonderland room really wouldn't serve any type of purpose.

After months, I finally got around to completing my woman cave:

My meditation room has been so relaxing for me. I'm not an obsessive meditation guru or anything but it is nice to have a set aside location that is always there for one reason and one reason only - to get away from stress and just relax and clear my mind.

If meditating isn't your thing then how about these?...

Some proven places that lower stress for women:

The bathroom

The kitchen

Target

Any restaurant that serves cheese and pasta and wine

Some other proven places that lower stress for men:

The man cave

The garage

Bass Pro Shop

Any restaurant that serves spicy meat and beer

QUESTION: Is there a place where you like to go to relieve stress?

Farts & Crafts - Turtle Cupcake

2012-01-15T19:33:00.000-05:00

Two for one post Sunday.

Behold....I got all food crafty! It is a cereal turtle lounging on chocolate cupcake ground. Cookie was a last minute addition. Not sure what it is supposed to be.

You'll need:

Cookie Crisp Cereal

Cocoa Crispies Cereal

Froot Loops Cereal

Chocolate Cupcake
(icing optional, but I highly recommend)

Chocolate Chip Cookie
(optional, but I highly recommend)

To assemble:

Put down a chocolate chip cookie as your base.

Take a chocolate cupcake and cut off top. You can put on some chocolate icing or leave plain (what I did).

On top of the cupcake, place one piece of Cookie Crisp Cereal. That is the turtle body (obviously).

Next, from a Froot Loops Cereal box, find three green pieces. (note: you'll find some other colors that will be in your way on your hunt. Eat them).

Take two of the pieces and cut them in half. Those will be the turtle legs (duh).

The last piece will be the turtle head (herp derp).

From the Cocoa Crispies box find a couple pieces that will fit inside the hole on each side of the Froot Loop. Those will be the eyes on the turtle head. (while sorting, you'll find some that are too big or too small. Eat those).

Now, take each of the legs and push into the cupcake so they are leaning up against the turtle body.

Last, take the turtle head and push down into the cupcake to form the head. (kind of like an upright tire).

Difficulty -

Simple.
It's me we are talking about here. As you know, I am not too advanced in the crafty department.

Hint-
You will need milk to get the cupcake down if you don't have any icing on it. Trust me. I recommend using the chocolate icing.

Here's my first review....

(Goodness gracious, how I love the zombie turtle boy).

I Just Start Drawing - River vs Sea Boxing Match

2012-01-15T16:53:00.000-05:00

Here is another stream of consciousness drawing type thing where I start drawing and see where it leads me.

All my stream of consciousness drawing posts turn out really, really, really weird. I'm not surprised.

This one I call:

River vs Sea Boxing Match

There is A LOT going on here

Click on picture to view a larger version of this picture

Your thoughts?

(Note - There are no wrong questions, there are no wrong answers, there are no wrong criticisms)

Crap that Irritates Me - Letter Case Usage

2012-01-13T11:59:00.002-05:00

Weird crap irritates me, yet I am not bothered by things that irritate other people.

Grammar, for example.

people who type in lower case

PEOPLE WHO TYPE IN ALL CAPS

I know those typing etiquette examples irritate most people but neither really bother me. The first is accepted in casual online/email conversation. As long as the person always capitalizes the letter "I" and keeps in apostrophes for contractions then all is good; otherwise that shit is irritating.

Also, people who use "loose" for "lose" should have to pay money to everyone who knows the correct usage.

The ALL CAPS situation can be debated. Most people find it hard to read and consider it yelling. I agree it is hard to read but I know the person isn't yelling.

People who do this are just ignorant or don't listen. Even if they have been told that they should not do it they don't understand what you mean or continue as before. Just let them be and if it bothers you that much just unfollow/hide their shit. In the case of email - delete. In the case of email for work - forward to your boss and let him/her correct the person. If you are the boss - fire them. Otherwise, don't waste your time in continually trying to explain to them the ALL CAPS rule. They will never change.

In essence, ignorance and laziness I understand. At least I can tag some sort of reason a person does those things.

This next one does bother me:

People Who Like To Capitalize Every Word In Their Sentence.

Technically this is called "Start case" and is a type of case usage within a sentence structure. Start case has a time and place in sentence structure. Most of the time it is used for titling (that is spelled correctly; I looked) books, movies, etc. That is understood, but why would someone do it in an entire statement or paragraph? What is the point? People who do this have to exert extra effort and attention to capitalizing the first letter of every word of their sentence. I don't understand the motive. Do their pinky fingers have control issues? Do they think everything they type is movie title worthy?

You may be thinking to yourself, "No one actually does this - she is making this shit up". No, I am not. Here is proof I'm telling the truth and such people do exist in this world:

This person is all kinds considerate and giving. So much so, she gives out extra capitalization!

Something else that bugs me is when some people don't follow the flow of uppercase/lowercase. For instance, when someone is typing in ALL CAPS but throws in a letter that is lowercase - or vice versa. I see this happen mostly with the letter "L". The problem with that is that "L" in certain fonts looks like the number one or a vertical separator line.

Really? What is this lady trying to tell everyone? Is she telling us that she (and some other invisible people; not present) have arrived at their residence? This residence may or may not be located right there at that current location or somewhere else entirely (totally ambiguous).

I take her for a simpleton.

I imagine this simpleton lady holding up another sign:

Now, last but not least, if you see someone who types like this....

RUN, MY GOD, RUN AWAY NOW! The person is a crazy murdering psychopath and wants your skin as a prom dress and your hair as a corsage.

Hobo Style: Nautical Print, Plaid & Wicker

2012-01-01T21:58:00.001-05:00

The Hobo Style outfit below was inspired from a picture of me when I was younger. The title of the picture I call "Little Hobo Girl Pretends to Run Away".

All items are listed below the Polyvore collage. I left off the wicker purse because it is a Hermes and Hobos can't afford Hermes handbags (lots o' h's). I had a handbag that was better, but Polyvore doesn't allow Etsy clips. Assholes. I went ahead and posted that separately below all the other items.

Hobo Style - Sailor Vagabond by hobogirl featuring a sash belt

Sale | Mod Retro Vintage Clothing & Indie Clothes | ModCloth
$34 - modcloth.com

Miz Mooz wingtip oxford
$90 - infinityshoes.com

Halston Heritage sash belt
$59 - couturecandy.com

Croft and Barrow Plaid Faux-Wool Coat
$67 - kohls.com

Hot Sox Ribbed Tights
$11 - kohls.com

Amazon.com: Sterling Silver Nautical Anchor and Ship's Wheel Necklace...

$2.95 - amazon.com

The Bucket Wickerware Collection located on Etsy for $49

Disclaimer: Repin this outfit on Pinterest if you must, but I don't want the website to crash with all the massive repinnings that will ~~not~~ occur.

My childhood girly ensemble consisted of a sailor dress purchased by my mother, a scratchy coat with faux fur (also purchased by my mother), and ugly shoes...again...my mother. The wicker luggage piece is actually a suitcase for a doll I had; I actually still have that doll and the wicker basket suitcase. I don't have the other pieces of blue patchwork luggage, which is quite a damn shame because they are all kinds of awesome and totally Hoboesque.

All in all I think the outfit came out very Hobo-like. I can imagine a Hobo Girl finding all this stuff in a trash can and throwing it together then hopping a train on her journey to Schenectady. This all can be yours for less than $320. That's a steal considering some celebrities pay a shit load more to look a hell of a lot worse. Case in point.

http://www.marcjacobs.com/

http://www.diesel.com/

Of course, nearly all items can also probably be found in a thrift store with a twenty you find lying in the gutter.

Old Lanes Sign

2011-12-31T23:34:00.000-05:00

Hab a ((hiccup)) furry habby dew ear!! ((hiccup))

Santa Should Use Gift Bags

2011-12-24T19:11:00.001-05:00

Christmas is upon us!

My oldest has been wise to the whole "Santa fib thing" for a few years; my youngest is still on the fence. In place of being totally over the whole Santa is magical thing - he has instead employed and perfectly crafted his ninja skills in figuring out all the presents he will receive.

The first order of business with him is to feel up all the gifts to figure out what is in each box:

I could remedy this by not putting some of their gifts under the tree until Christmas morning (like I did when they were toddlers) - this will not do. Being an evil and smart ass mother, I love to taunt them. That is why I put most of the gifts out prior to Christmas morning because I gain great pleasure in watching the boys get so excited looking at the gifts under the tree. The oldest isn't as bad as the youngest.

Again, I will explain that my youngest doesn't *necessarily* believe, but he is at the age where he still is in love with the idea; he blocks out any words his brother tells him to negate that fact.

To keep some of the Santa magic alive in his sweet little heart, I will leave the big ones for Santa that will be under the tree on the morning of Christmas.

I have to be craftier and more careful than in years past. When they were toddlers to preschool age, I could just write "From Santa" on each gift tag in my own writing; now I have to go to great lengths to mask my writing lest the youngest will figure me out. My excuse the first time he noticed the handwriting resemblance, "hmmm...you are right, Santa and I DO have similar handwriting. The reason is, back in my day, my school had a semester of handwriting and Santa's was one of the writings we were taught". Luckily he asked no more questions because I had nothing else to give.

Beyond that, I also have to buy special wrapping paper for all the Santa gifts. It would be totally obvious to him if Santa's gifts were wrapped in the same paper as all the other gifts; it would be non-believable to tell him that Santa forgot to have his elves wrap his gifts. As if Santa spent time in our home tiptoeing around to find some wrapping paper.

My son would just yell at me that..."SANTA DOES NOT HAVE TIME FOR THAT! HE HAS MILLIONS OF HOUSES TO GO TO IN A NIGHT. YOU ARE PULLING MY LEG! MY LIFE IS RUINED! **he runs out of room in tears**." (Huge Hyperbole, Over Reaction, Over Dramatic).

This Christmas both my boys wanted angry birds plushies - my youngest asked for a red one and my oldest asked for a yellow one. I bought cute little boxes and put the plushies in there. I was certain that neither of them could figure out what is in those boxes.

Yesterday, when I took my youngest out to Target to buy his father and brother a gift, he says he wanted to get his brother an angry bird plush. I say, "no, Santa might be getting him one". To which he replies, "that tells me you got him a plush already". I say "not necessarily". A little later he says he changed his mind and wants a large red plushie. I said, "but I thought you asked for a red bird and your brother a yellow bird?" He says "no, Mom, I asked for the yellow one and he asked for the red one". The look on my face was clear. He figured out I, in fact, already bought them the angry birds plushies and mixed them up. My poker face failed - I played it cool. This left me with a decision. He'd already inventoried every gift under the tree; if I go to those two presents and switch the name tags now he is going to know for certain those contain the angry birds. I'm left with the only choice to make and have them open the gifts as they are and then they can switch after the fact. I pray to the sweet baby Jesus that one will not decide to be a huge turd biscuit and decide keep the one they got. A huge fight will ensue.

Another thing. While we were at Target trying to figure out what to buy his brother, he decides he wants to get a video game his brother. I tell him, again, that Santa may bring him a video game. He is fully aware that I usually get him and his brother similar presents. If one gets a video game the other will too. So, the fact that I am gift blocking his present idea tells him that he DID get the video game he wanted. That is TWO presents under the tree he has figured out. He thought he had a video game under the tree by the way it felt and sounded. He now knows I am a liar skillet.

I told him it was a DVD movie to throw him off the scent. I knew I shouldn't have been so goddamned lazy and found an undescript box to wrap it in.

What ever happened to the days of yore - when you wanted to know what you got for Christmas you snuck around and peeked in all the known hiding places? If they were wrapped you learned to pull the tape up at one side and then carefully, peek inside. Afterwards, you taped it back down and no one was the wiser...

Kids, nowadays, use their ninja mind skills instead of antiquated fine motor skills.

That is where asking them what they want for Christmas kind of blows up in your face; that is why it is always best to pay attention to them and what they like/dislike. Find something you know they'll love but hadn't thought to request. That is easier said than done, but I *think* I did it this year. I bought my oldest a telescope (because he says he wants to be an astronomer) and I bought the youngest a Kindle and a Kindle case (because I say I want him to read). I put the Kindle in the Kindle case and wrapped it up. He now is obsessed with that gift because it matches nothing on his Christmas list. Usually he isn't this perplexed because in Christmases past all unknown gift have usually been underwear and socks and he could easily figure those out.

Now I have a couple WWE Action figure to wrap and you all know how those things are packaged. That's why they are yet to be placed under the tree. Unless I locate two boxes to wrap them in, he will know for sure what they are. The lumpy wrapping it would be if I just wrapped it as is would be a huge tip off. Unfortunately, the only boxes I have in my home that the toys will fit in are those super sized boxes of tampons. Yeah...I can see how that would go. Mommy does not want to answer menstrual cycle questions on Christmas morning.

I'm half tempted to take the WWE Action Figures out the packaging and just hide them in the tree. My family used to hide money in our tree when I was growing up. It was great until the time they forgot and managed to put away the tree with money still hidden in it. Months later it is remembered and we had to drag the tree back out and hunt in it for the money. When you are five it is a fun game; when you are fourteen it stinks - like reindeer farts.

What I Did Today...

2011-12-23T21:26:00.001-05:00

....this being the day my mother birthed me.

9am

I woke up. Yay, success!

I checked my Facebook to see how many Happy Birthday's wall messages I had received while I slept. I inventoried who I had yet to hear from and took note. (not really, but I know people who do that).

I got trampled on by my youngest son in my bed because he wanted to give me his gift as soon as I woke up. He hands me the bag with a pink robe. A mom gift indeed. Yet, I love it. It's soft and wonderful and pink!

My son then goes into wake up his brother so I can get his gift. My oldest son walks in all sleepy like and hands me an umbrella. Another mom gift. Yet, I love it.

Husband is half asleep beside me and tells me Happy Birthday.

The boys hand me my birthday cards. They are not signed or placed into envelopes. They were just given to me as is. Like they looked when they were bought. Yet, I love it.

I get up and put on my pink! robe.

9:30am

I go to the living room and check Facebook and my phone for any birthday text messages.

My husband gets up and makes me coffee.

I open my gift from my husband. It is a huge package. I unwrap it and see that he got me a full length mirror. You know, one of those ones that is oval and sits on a base and you can adjust the mirror up and down? Yes, one of those. He says he got it because I told him I wanted one and that I should have something to look at my outfits. Now if he could give me great clothes to go with this mirror that would be awesome. The mirror is kind of a mom gift. Yet, I love it.

Hubby asks me if I turned 35. I told him no. He said, 36? I get pissed for a minute.

I work on some blog posts that I didn't plan on posting today.

Noon

I took a nap.

1:30pm

I watched a "First 48 hours" marathon on A&E with my husband.

3pm

I napped again.

3:30pm

I ate some bite size Twix candy bars and drank a sugar free Red Bull.

I went to the bathroom to pee.

I finally got dressed. Yes, that's right.

4pm

I watched another 48 hours episode.

4:30pm

My oldest son and I drove to town to Target to finish up some Christmas shopping.

We spent two hours trying to find gifts and walked the store fifty times.

6:30pm

We loaded up our purchases in the back and got in the car.

I spent twenty minutes on my phone trying to register a Pizza Hut app so I could order dinner and pick it up.

6:50pm

Got pissed because the registration wouldn't work so I had to call instead. Blimey! I thought it was law that all things go right on your birthday?

We drove to get the pizza.

We got there too early so we sat in the car and played on our phones. He played a game and I checked my Facebook for more birthday posts and took more inventory of those who did not message me yet. (again, not really.)

7pm

We pulled up to the carry out window and picked up the pizzas.

We drove home.

We ate.

I checked FB and did a "like" on every one of my Happy Birthday wall messages. Replied to a few of those who asked me questions.

Called someone who wanted to wish me a Happy Birthday. From there she tells me to check my email. I check my email and I have received a $50 Sephora gift certificate! I love you, Amber! (She knows me so well).

Drank some iced tea.

Had Hubby get me another slice of pizza and refill my ice tea cup.

8pm

Pulled up blogger and started typing up this post.

8:30pm

Drew the blog pictures.

9:15pm

Posted it!

Future:

11:50pm

Exact moment I was born. Ten minutes before Christmas Eve. My mother always said she went into labor with me while she was in church for a Christmas service.

Tomorrow:

Christmas Eve

Wrap more presents. Do some baking from a refrigerated cookie roll (lazy). Post another blog I have been working on for two freakin days. I'm not at all happy with it yet.

The sole reason this post was pushed through as a time filler.

Plus it gave me an excuse to tell everyone it was my birthday.

And to finally confess that I do notice when some people haven't wished me a Happy Birthday and wonder what the heck they had to do today that was more important than to get on FB and wish me a Happy Birthday!

Question: Do you have a birthday or are you an alien from another planet where you are not birthed but just are and always have been?

PS:
To be serious...the best birthday gift I have received is a healthy husband and a wonderful family. His heart surgery was a success and his recovery is going well. Sore, sure....but well. That is all the present I could ever want. Thank you everyone for the well wishes by the way.

Chicken of the Sushsea

2011-12-12T00:07:00.000-05:00

This might be the last post for a week or so because my dear husband is undergoing heart surgery in two days. For the history of why he is having this surgery please go here and read. Depending on how he does will dictate the time I will have to sit and write my blog. If he does really well then I'll have some time. If he does well but needs a lot of assistance then I won't have as much time. If he doesn't do well.....well I'm not going to think about that because he is going to do AWESOME. A doctor and a robot are involved. Enough said.

Now on to my topic of discussion. My husband and I had to drive up to Cleveland OH to prepare for his surgery. One evening we decided to go to a fancy restaurant at the hotel. He had a pork tenderloin while I ordered the sushi. This was the second time I have had sushi. The first time was not much of a success but I didn't want to give up after only trying it once.

Sushi. I know many people love the stuff but I just can't get myself to like it. It isn't even the raw fish that bothers me. Nope. I can eat raw fish with no problem. The part that I hate is the seaweed. I literally have to gag the stuff down my throat. I'm not sure why I find seaweed so insulting. Maybe I don't care for it because, in my mind, seaweed is the toilet paper of the sea. It's what sea creatures use to clean themselves after using the sea bathroom.

Bon Appetit!

Question: What do you think of sushi (before...and now after reading this post)?

Contrary Christmas Tree

2011-12-04T16:10:00.000-05:00

I bought a Martha Stewart Living Christmas tree today.

It was tough work, but I managed to get her in there.

In typical Martha style she is being quite contrary about the whole situation.

Waffle Iron Apocalypse

2011-11-26T15:55:00.003-05:00

I hope everyone had a wonderful, happy, belly full of Thanksgiving; mine went well. My side of the family visited and we ate, drank and reminisced - like every year, pretty much.

This year, as everyone knows, the day after Thanksgiving sales started at midnight instead of the usual 4-5 a.m. Television ads tried to get everyone into a frenzy of DOORBUSTING pandemonium. From what I can tell from recent news coverage...it worked, famously.

Seriously, people. Really?

I think it was Jerry Seinfeld who said once that if the aliens were watching us and they saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop that the aliens would assume we were the pet in that relationship.

In a similar note, after watching that video, I am convinced the aliens are comparing that video and a video of cows being corralled and cannot find any difference between the two. Aliens are geniuses, by the way.

Two strangers waiting for the doors to open for Black Friday:

Two strangers on Black Friday, five minutes later...

By the way, it is no coincidence that this Spazztastic lady has an alien shaped head and wearing the color of Satan.

I haven't been shopping on Black Friday in eleven years. I swore that was the last time ever. What possessed me that it was a good idea to venture out with the crowds two weeks after giving birth to my second son is beyond me. A son who was a breasfed baby, by the way. Me, in line for two hours. Those two hours pass and I am in an uncomfortable HELL. Then a baby cries in the store. If anyone is reading this and has breastfed they will know exactly why that sound is not a great idea. Immediately I abandoned my cart by the customer service counter and power walked to the car. I sped home on the verge of tears because of the pain. Never again. Plus I hate pushy people, long ass lines and insane crowds. Yeah, like I said, I don't know what possessed me to do it.

Question: How was your Thanksgiving?

Flu Shots and My Kids

2011-11-19T16:43:00.000-05:00

THEIR FANTASY

MY REALITY

The Price is Right Retro Hate

2011-11-13T20:14:00.003-05:00

These are some things I love about my husband:

1. He lets me drag him to trendy shopping places he would never in a million years ever go to on his own. Like IKEA, like Trader Joe's, like World Market. He does it because he knows I love going. He does it even though he will miss his football games.

2. He allows me to *check in* to those trendy places on Facebook and tag him while I'm at it. When he asks me if I am going to *check in* I say "yes, I have to prove to people that we get out of the house to do interesting things sometimes". He laughs even though I'm fairly certain he realizes I'm a mess. He loves his mess.

3. He fills up my car gas tank for me when I run low - without me asking.

4. He starts my car for me during cold days so it will be warm when I get in - without me asking.

5. He makes coffee for me before I get out of bed - without me asking. Although, he isn't entirely motive free in this case. This is what he has to deal with before I have had my coffee:

6. He makes sure to buy my favorite snacks at the store when I'm not there with him. He does this even though I sometimes fuss at him for buying things that I shouldn't be eating and that will make me gain weight.

7. He doesn't humor me when I play the "how much do you think I paid for this, game?"

For example:

I walk in my house holding an unopened box containing a brand new toaster oven. One of these:

To him I say - "Look what I got at the store today."

He responds - "I see."

I say - "guess how much I spent on it?".

Here is the history of this little game between he and I.

I gain great pleasure from showing off when I obtain merchandise for an insane low price. He, in turn, has adapted to my need to show off and won't allow me to bathe in superiority. He has gotten wise to me.

Back to my question: "guess how much I spent on this?"

He says -"$12.00?"

I then respond - "I hate it when you guess down! You know very well that I didn't pay $12.00 for this kitchen appliance".

"Of course I know that", he says.

Me - "Damn it, why won't you humor me?! It's like you are on The Price is Right and you are that person who constantly bids $1.00 so you don't go over."

Him - "Ha Ha Ha Ha, you nailed it!"

After a couple of dramatic sighs, I finally told him that the toaster oven was marked down from $45.00 to $19.99.

Him - "Wow, honey you did good! Hell of a deal!"

"Hmph.", I say.

So.....why do I love this about him? I don't know, I just do. At the time it annoys me but we always end up laughing from it. Plus, I love that I can predict that he will do this and he never once lets me down.

Many marriages fail because the couple do not know how to annoy each other properly. There is a right way and wrong way. Don't annoy your partner out of indifference or to get back at them or to get out of doing something they want you to do. Only do it when it brings joy to the other person. "Bringing joy to the other person" are the key words in that sentence. Learning how to annoy your other half in order to bring them joy takes time, patience and practice. Go forth and annoy!

(By the way - My The Price is Right phobia is still in effect proven by the fact I hyperventilated while drawing the picture above. Those damn retro 70's flowers kill me. To make a long story short, I hate The Price is Right. My grandmother used to watch it every day when I was growing up. The damn loud music, the over excitable contestants, the putrid 70's set, the Bob Barker gross kissing, all of it. Every bit of it created this phobia in me. To this day I can't watch it when it comes on. I fall over myself running to the remote to quickly turn it to another channel. I was convinced at one point that a contestant would be beheaded by that spinning wheel. The yodeler man falling off the end of the game...hated it. Plinko.....okay I kind of liked Plinko. I also liked the punching paper holes game. That was all I liked though.)

IN OTHER NEWS!

It's that time again for me to honor people who comment on my posts. Today, I honor Sian from Siany Blog. She's awesome, takes pretty pictures, posts about her life. And she's from the UK. I love the UK. I want to kiss the UK. I want fly to the UK and upon landing at the airport immediately run out, find a heather field and roll around for hours. Yes.


Please go to her blog and read about her engagement story. Thanks!

Keep commenting please, I love comments! More than The Price is Right but not as much as the UK.

Fork You Too, Beech Tree!

2011-11-07T07:57:00.001-05:00

I started this here blog as a way to vent and entertain my friends and myself (or no one but me). For that reason alone it should not matter to me when I lose a blog follower. I told myself that I would post and not think too much or edit to pacify others. I'd let things fly and see where they land and what kind of response I'd get (or not get). As a whole it has been slow going, yet positive. My blog has slowly grown in readership in a respectable amount of time. I like it that way and that is all that should matter.

But, I can't help but wonder why I may have lost a follower and investigate as to why this probably happened. I am all about learning how this blogging world works, you see.

Here are some possible reasons I have come up with:

1. The person was sick of my constant blogging? By constant that means they don't like when someone posts once a week or more.

"That's too many posts to read, I can't handle this person, she is way too into herself. I have no time for her shenanigans. I shall remove her from my feed immediately and go hang out at Pinterest to re-pin every fudging internet picture ever posted. Including, but not limited to, repinned pictures of George Clooney that can also be found with a simple and quick Google Image search -George Clooney Hot-".

Granted, The Clooney is hot. But the whole point of Pinterest is to share interesting pictures and pictures that inspire you. I suppose you can be inspired by George. Most are R-rated inspirations though.

2. I use profanity in my posts?

"Reading those dirty words are going to lodge into my brain and make me do evil things. No, I can't let that happen! I am one of those people who think when people use profanity they are not intelligent enough to not use those words. Why can't she replace those words with cutesy words instead? Like Shoot, Fudge & H-E-Double Hockey Sticks? That will make her sound much smarter".

Yes, I use profanity. I've got the smarts real good and could choose not to use profanity in my posts. However, sometimes when telling a story there is no other word that expresses when I'm feeling frustrated better than a good old "FUCK!".

3. Perhaps my content isn't educational or interesting enough?

"This person is not holding MY interest. None of her posts teach ME anything. Her blog does not have any interesting pictures that I can Pinterest the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks out of".

For that I am sorry. I'm sorry I can't show you step-by-step craft techniques which will make your frenemies resent you that much more. You know, because they will be jealous of your outside of the box thinking when baking a carrot cake. By the way I want to say again that it doesn't bother me at all that you stopped following me. Seriously, no sour grapes here. None, nada, zilch.

"Thank you Pioneer Woman. I'm going to pin that recipe and show that *beech tree*, Shelly, that her carrot cake pins are boring and that mine are awesome."

*Goody goody person's curse word for bitch: "beech tree". Or so I would assume*

4. The person deleted their Google account?

"Dear Google,

I would like to delete my entire Google account and all attached accounts that lie therein. You see, I am simplifying my life and getting rid of everything that doesn't make me at one with nature. I plan to use the next year as a way to build my end of the world underground lair. I will be one of the few who actually survive the Mayan End of the World prophecy. Please don't try to contact me to request I stay on the Google grid. I am moving to a location where no one would think to look for me. No one needs to know where I am because I have no intention of sharing any of my canned goods, oxygen tanks or zombie repellant. THEY ARE MINE!

Sincerely, unabomberlvr122112@gmail.com"

This is what I like to see on Pinterest.
There should me more zombie pins and more repinnings of the same zombie pins.
More! More! More!

For some reason, losing a follower actually makes me feel sort of proud? Like I might actually be writing something that is interesting, even if that something interesting is not interesting enough for a particular demographic.

With all that being said...all of this post just could be one big egotistical clusterfudge on my part because the person truly could have just fallen off the face of the ~~internet~~ earth. It actually might not have anything to do with me. For shame!

OR the reason could just be this:

5. I blog about bodily functions.

Halloween Poo Costume Post

Do you think? In my defense, it didn't seem too bad a thing to write about? I mean, sure, poo is gross and imagining dressing yourself in poo might be tasteless and disgusting to some people; but come on, everyone poops! Stop acting like your winky hole never does the push downs.

If it is any consolation I didn't actually intend on dressing up as human excrement. It was a joke. In reality, I dressed up as this:

Zombie Librarian

"I shall use my zombie spray repellant if this beech tree even
thinks about breaking into my apocalypse cellar to
eat my brain and canned goods."

I wish I could tell all the grossed out people out there that they were only having a nightmare that day I posted that poo post and that, in reality, it wasn't "feces" I was talking about, but "faces". Yes, that's right. I did a whole post about Rod Stewart's first band.

Interesting fact. If you put the word "feces" in the search box on Pinterest you will find that there are zero pins and zero boards honoring it.

(P.S. Offending Pinterest lovers isn't my intention in writing this post. If it helps I will tell you that I have a Pinterest account and I love the damn place. I'm just not nuts with it. I look more than I pin or repin. I have a total of seven pin boards & eight pins on my account - none of which have multiple repins of Pattinson or chocolate cake balls. But I love Pinterest, I truly doo doo. If you remove me off your feed because you are sensitive over your love of Pinterest then I'm sorry we can't be bloggy friends anymore.)

http://pinterest.com/wheresthehobos/

You know what my Pinterest boards say about me?
They tell people that I have absolutely nothing to contribute
to the Pinterestsphere other than that
I suffer from the wanderlust....real bad.

For good measure I might as well offend people even more and possibly lose a few more followers by posting this tasteful drawing.

You're welcome, or I'm sorry (whichever the case may be).

Question (for blog writers): Do you ever notice if you lose a blog follower and, if so, do you give a flying fork?

Porterhouse Wagoner and the Banshee Baby

2011-11-04T08:31:00.000-04:00

I am sitting here thinking about all that Kardashian divorce/give back the damn gifts - drama and the Lohan prison -will she or won't she serve more than a day?- crapola. I don't like being this way, but the media is force feeding me these "newsworthy" nuggets and like a new girl on a porn set, I obediently listen and pay attention.

My mind wanders (of course).

I wonder what it is like to be famous? How it must feel to walk around and have people stare at you all the time. I'm sure the perks are great when you want to get into someplace exclusive and just because of who you are you are given high priority acceptance.

It's hard to wrap my head around the concept of fame. I try to imagine it for myself but just can't do it. Possibly the reason is because I don't feel comfortable being watched. I avoid social situations and can only imagine how I would feel with random strangers just walking up to me for no other reason than to just be in my presence.

I've never actually met anyone super famous. I've seen famous people from afar when I've gone to concerts and such, but that is about it. The only famous person that I've ever had an official run-in with was when I was an infant. And the stories all come from my family as I was way too young to remember any of it.

His name was Porter Wagoner and many may not even know who he was. Hell, I doubt I would know if it weren't for my mother. He was pretty famous country singer back in the day and had his own country variety show. He actually helped Dolly Parton break into the business. Her song "I'll Always Love You' was written for him.

The story goes like this - my mom had taken me and other family members out to a local steakhouse for dinner. Apparently, Porter Wagoner was in town for a concert and decided he had a hankering for a big juicy steak. He came to the restaurant ready to enjoy a good meal only to encounter an annoying infant who wouldn't stop screaming at the top of her lungs. That was me. My mom said I humiliated her in front of Porter and she could not get me to stop wailing. Why she didn't just leave I don't know but the fact that my mom was a huge country music fan could be my first indicator. Unfortunately for Porter, he couldn't enjoy his meal. Eventually the poor guy had to get up and leave to get some peace. To this day I imagine him sitting all lonely in his hotel room still wearing his rhinestone suit and pompadour hairstyle trying to eat his medium rare steak and cursing at that stupid fucking baby with her over developed lungs.

He's dead now so I'll never have the opportunity to apologize for my childish behavior and offer to buy him a new dinner.

There are plenty of Porter Wagoner videos on youtube but none do him justice as the one below. This proves he has a sense of humor. Just not when it comes to crying babies and steak dinners.

Borat interviews Porter Wagoner:

QUESTION: Have you ever met anyone famous?

Fun With Photoshop - Trash TV

2011-11-03T08:03:00.000-04:00

Last month my good friend and I bought tickets to the "So You Think You Can Dance" tour. We had dinner before the show, I got drunk, pictures were taken. We had a blast. Yesterday she texted me a couple pictures of that night. The last one she sent was captioned with "You look really good in this picture". I was excited because it is rare that I look good in candid pictures. I receive it and laughed out loud. Bless my heart. My reply to her can best be explained with a visual of the picture after I photoshopped it.


Big hair, halter top, tight pants, drunk eyes.

Question of the day: Do you love to watch trashy TV?

♥ This post is dedicated to my goof friend, my partner in crime, my Twin. ♥

I Will Win Awards

2011-10-30T11:42:00.002-04:00

Well...tomorrow is Halloween - the scariest time of the year and a great time to inflate my belly with sugar, chocolate and sticky sweets. A time to throw out all candy corn that comes into my home. That stuff is the worst.

When I was little, I loved Halloween....LOVED it. I suppose I still do - but when you get to be an adult with children (who also feel like they are too old to dress up) it kind of gets depressing. The past few years I have dressed up anyway. Damn it, I want to still have one time a year where I have an excuse to be a crazy lady. All other times of the year I am still a crazy lady...but with no excuse. I also want to use my imagination for once. Last year I was a black cat. Snooze. The year before that I was a lady bug. Double snooze. This year I want something with a WOW factor.

So, I got to thinking and lots of ideas came to mind. Here are some of them:

A Red Bull Can
Anthony Bourdain

A window with curtains (I figured saran wrap and red/white gingham fabric would be involved. Maybe an apple pie balancing on my chest.)

A whorse (slutty dressed horse costume)

Gah, this is hard!

Fuck it, I shout to myself! I'll just pick something that is popular right now and just go out and buy it (since I'm lazy). I love playing Angry Birds on my phone. So I decided that's what I'll be. See below:


Strategically placed bird face. Is that my pecker?

For two days my plan was in place. I was going to drive to Target and buy this costume for myself. But then....

I gave up on that idea. I got inspired to be imaginative again. I thought to myself "I can meld the Angry Birds idea into something outstanding!" So here's what I came up with:


A Misanthropic Turd's Thought Process: "Humankind is the Worst!"

Jackpot! Making this costume should be a breeze right? The tough part would be trying to find a mini-toilet to hold the candies I plan to hand out. Here's what I'd need to buy:

Brown hooded sweatshirt and sweatpants
Brown felt (a lighter & darker color than the clothes)
Brown marker
Brown makeup
Mini Toilet???
Toilet Paper
Ear of Corn
Tootsie Rolls (to hand out to the trick or treaters)

These supplies shouldn't be more than $30 right? I hope not, because I am cheap.

Now...I don't want you all to go out and steal my costume idea. In order to prevent this I have come up with some other poo costumes for everyone. They are very topical and fitting for 2011. Enjoy....


This one is for all my Democrat friends. Your friend or significant other could dress as "Herman Cain in the Ass".


Your friend can dress up like "Ushturd" or "Selena Poomez".


Your significant other could dress up as "Prince William of Smells" or your best girlfriend could dress up as "Poopa Middleturd"

This one is all kinds of YES!

And last but not least, this one is for all my Republican friends.
Your friend or significant other could dress as "Pee Party Supporter".

Question: Do you all have a Halloween costume this year? What is it?

HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO EVERYONE!

Pass Me the Pureed Peas Please Darling, While I Tell You a Little Story!

2011-10-16T14:44:00.001-04:00

{NSFW Warning!}

If you are easily offended by animals and sexual assault talk just keep on moving.

You've been warned.

Is this inappropriate or Horatian Satire? You be the judge.

I'm a Wikipedia whore. I love Wikipedia so.very.much. I don't even care if anything I read may not be 100% truth. Yes, I know that anyone can go on and edit bullshit into a Wikipedia entry. Doesn't matter. I get lost among the pages and the embedded links. Next thing you know I have spent two hours skipping from page to page learning all kinds of new things. I learn more in those two hours than I did in two years in high school. I am not even joking. Things I will actually retain and use.

For example, did you know that Julia Roberts was once almost sexually assaulted by an orangutan? Yes.

Let's back up and retrace my steps in learning this information:

I needed to know which animals are considered the smartest. The reason I needed to know was because I wanted to know....there was no other good reason except for my random curiosity.

I go to Wikipedia and type "intelligence in animals". Wikipedia changes my search to "animal cognition". I read the entry and click on the embedded link - "mirror test". I read that entry and learn about gauging intelligence in animals by testing which animals recognized their mirror image as being themselves and not another animal. In that entry is a list of creatures that have passed the mirror test. Because the name orangutan jumped out at me, I clicked it. Whoa Nelly! Not only did an orangutan attempt to sexually assualt the Pretty Woman but there was, in fact, an actual rape of another woman one time. She was a cook who worked for an orangutan behavioralist (or whatever the hell they are called). Can you even imagine? I can and it isn't pleasant. It has to be the same feeling as almost being assaulted by Gary Busey.

I spared no extra time in actually following up on this orangutan/human attempted sexual assault scenario to find out if there is actually any truth to the story. For all I know Gary Busey got on Wikipedia and made the whole thing up.

The thing I also find interesting is how that is such a big moment on the orangutan wiki page. Yet, if you go to Julia Roberts wiki page, there is no mention of it. If she was almost sexually assaulted by a man it would be a whole section on her page with the title "Attempted Sexual Assault". It would be a big story, but since it was an orangutan it is more embarrassing for her and taboo and too much attempted bestiality to be written down on her page. She is America's sweetheart after all and no one wants to think of that happening to her. If she had been almost assaulted in such a manner by a man it would be listed as a harrowing experience that she made it through and would want to tell her story so other women would know they aren't alone and even she, this big superstar, can be targeted. She made it through. I wonder if Ms. Roberts publicist stalks her Wiki page checking to make sure no one adds the orangutan almost sexual assault thing?

The main point of this post wasn't to spark a debate between the difference between human vs animal sexual assault. No, not at all. BOTH are horrible. HORRIBLE! My point was to let you all know that I waste my time on Wikipedia and fill my brain with possible non-truth nonsense. So when I am old and I can tell the nurses taking care of me in my nursing home these insane things I learned when I was young. I will be this wacky old lady with these crazy statements coming out of her toothless mouth. I will be so awesome when I'm old. I won't remember my middle name but you can be certain I'll never forget the things I learned from Wikipedia. When you are old you can say anything and it doesn't matter. Old people don't give a fuck. That is just one good morsel of being old to combat all the bad shit you have to go through (like pissing your pants and eating pureed food all day).

To end this weird post, I will put these two videos (I made) of another animal against human violence. Set to music, of course. I didn't actually film the turkey..that was taken from a Sacramento newscaster and the video has gone viral. Click this link if you want to see it without music because it is funny to watch even without the tunes. I just enjoy the nonsense of listening to fitting music to funny videos. So, yeah.

Two versions for two different types of people:

Click this video below if you are a straight male or a stereotypical lesbian:

Click this video if you are a straight female or a stereotypical gay man:

Question of the Day - What is your opinion of Wikipedia, orangutans, Julia Roberts and old people?

PS. This past Wednesday marked a year when I created my first post on "Where Have all the Hobos Gone?". I thought about creating a special post commemorating the occasion. Started writing it out. Blogger bitched out on me and deleted half of it for no goddamn reason, so I gave up. I looked at it as a sign to not post anything. You are welcome. It probably was crap anyway. Happy Anniversary to my blog! Woohoo!

Things I Highly Recommend That I Hardly Ever Use

2011-10-02T14:20:00.000-04:00

So here are some things I highly recommend but don't use....much.

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND:

Beauty

Clarisonic Mia Face Cleaner

I bought this last year after all the rave reviews I read online. It came in the mail and I was ecstatic. I charged it up and went to town on my face. It made my face feel tingly and so clean. I immediately decided it would be a part of my daily facial routine. (I then reminded myself to create a daily facial routine.) This past year I have used this thing, probably, oh, eight times? And six of those times were the first month I got it. I imagine if it came with other attachments I would be more, ahem, inclined to use it.....all the time. I know you know what I'm talking about.

Instead of using it all the time, I use a facial scrub once a week - maybe.

Water, my hands and St. Ives Apricot Scrub

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND:

For the home

PanDigital Digital Photo Frame

My dear husband bought me one of these digital photo frames for Christmas. I was elated and had big dreams of downloading a bunch of gorgeous pictures and having a running slide show that I could show off whenever people came over. A year later I finally took it out of the box and plugged it in and placed it on a corner table in our living room. Six months after that, it still sits there with a black screen because it isn't plugged in because I haven't gotten around to buying a memory card it needs to get all those photos uploaded to the thing.

Instead of having a neat and innovative way to show off all my collection of photos, I have a bunch of large collage photo frames hanging on different walls in my home. Those frames are filled with random pictures that I will never change out, ever.

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND:

Techy

Wacom Bamboo Fun Tablet

I bought this for myself about five months ago. I have used it a couple times to draw my blog pictures. It is a cool and neat thing to use and has cute applications that come with it. The bad part is that I can't get used to holding the pen stylus and creating anything with it. I've read from people that it takes time and practice and patience. Hmph.

Instead, I still use my Mac Paintbrush on my computer which always makes my wrist hurt and arm hurt. But I know how Paintbrush works and it is easy to use so I just go with it and don't try to do it differently.

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND:

Fitness

NordicTrack Treadmill

Oh boy. I bought a NordicTrack treadmill probably five or more years ago with hopes of using it to get in shape instead of joining a gym. I envisioned myself so fit after using it for a few months. Since then this thing has gotten little use other then holding dirty clothes and gathering dust.

Instead, when I feel like I need to work out, I just park further away at work in order to get some extra steps in and assuring myself at least I am doing something other than sitting on my ass all day.

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND:

For the kitchen

Le Creuset Dutch Oven

("dutch oven" - snickers uncontrollably)

This cookware is AMAZING and GORGEOUS. My husband bought me my first piece a couple Christmases ago. You'd think he bought me a brand new sports car the way I reacted. You could see the little thought bubble above my head with a cartoon me cooking up elaborate and delicious meals with my husband and boys sitting there with their tongues hanging out anxiously awaiting a plate of the treasures they are about to behold. I cooked in it three times. You see, I worry constantly that I am going to break the thing or ruin it by not cleaning it fast enough or using the wrong cleaning tool on it. I have delegated it as a showpiece in my kitchen on top of one of my upper cabinets. I have matched my kitchen colors to it.

Instead when I need to fix a dish that one would normally use a dutch oven for, I power up my Slow Cooker and I lower my expectations.

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND:

Housecleaning

Dyson Animal Vacuum Cleaner

This thing works and it is so great. But because now I have less carpet and more hardwood flooring, my upright Dyson is sitting in my hall closet all lonely-like. Poor thing. If I wasn't such a lazy person who cleaned her house like she should I would use it more often. Instead, if I see dog hair or anything else I need to vacuum up, I get my handheld vac and use that instead of my upright vacuum. Or if I were being honest I let the dog hair sit for a few days until I can stand to look it no longer and get up and pull out a lint roller and call my kids into the room. I tell one to lint roll the dog hair off the furniture and I tell the other one to pick up any stray hair he sees clumped on the carpet. Meanwhile, I take the easy job of using my handheld vac. Yes, that's what really happens mostly. Having said all that, I still highly recommend all Dyson products. That's why this is on the list.

Again these are the things I actually use most of the time,

Handheld vacuum, Lint Roller and Child Labor.

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND:

For the Home Office

Staples Heavy Duty Shredder

After our old crappy little paper shredder broke last year, we went out and bought a shredder that could handle more papers and shit (not that kind). A shredder that would allow us to be lazier and stuff thicker things in there instead of having to rip open mail and pull things out that couldn't go through the shredder. Hmm, that may or may not be the reason we broke the old one. This industrial strength shredder really gets the job done. I love it! And I'd love it even more....if I used it.

Instead, I let all the junk mail and old bills that I've paid accumulate on the counter until I can stand it no longer. By that time I have collected so much I have to throw it in a grocery plastic bag. Then I notice months later that I have collected so many plastic bags full of junk mail that the thought of shredding each thing is too daunting. Instead, I daydream of telling my husband to buy a big metal drum and go out back and burn everything. In my daydream, burning trash is not environmentally unfriendly. Instead the pollutable smoke travels up in the sky and accumulates in rain clouds. The clouds then rain down and up from the ground sprouts candy. Yeah, that would be cool.

Picture Source

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND:

For the gardener lover

Garden Starter Kit

I don't actually own the gardener kit above but I can imagine myself buying one on a whim and loving it. Then I bring it home and change into a pair of clamdigger pants, cute top, flip flops and a big floppy hat. I go outside all ready to make my front yard beautiful and inviting. I buy it even though I have bought all the items contained in it separately and they are strewn about in my garage where I know I'll never find them when I need them.

Instead what I do is I use my hands. I pull weeds after I notice them when going outside to get the newspaper while wearing my pajama pants. I'm almost always barefoot when I do this. I don't look near as cute as I wish I did.

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND:

For the holidays

Gorgeous Halloween decorations

There's nothing better than a beautiful front porch all decorated up with seasonal decorations. It really shows you have holiday spirit and we all know that having holiday spirit equals having a great life. Halloween season, for example, I always think about going out of my way and buying all kinds of cute pumpkin decorations and corn stalks and a bunch of pumpkins in different sizes. In fact, I have a whole closet downstairs in my basement filled with long forgotten and never used Halloween decorations. A large fake pumpkin you plug into the outside electrical outlet. A gust of wind comes by and knocks the bastard over and I have to go out and place it back where it was. Or a scarecrow on a stick that I pierce into the ground only to find it the next morning laying on its side and half its straw head has been chewed off by the neighborhood cat.

Instead what always happens is I make my husband buy a bale of hay somewhere and a pumpkin at the grocery store. Once I have those two items I open the front door and step out on my porch. I place the bale of hay on the porch and I place the pumpkin on top of the bale of hay. There, I've showed my holiday spirit, damn it!

I will also admit that I don't know where my husband purchases a bale of hay. He just gets one and I don't ask questions. For all I know he has parked on the side of the road and trespassed onto a local farm and stolen one. Blissfully ignorant. I ask and I receive. He's good like that.

Question: Do any of you have any items you love but never really use?

SuX Factor

2011-09-24T09:27:00.000-04:00

Please read my background historical synopsis below prior to reading this post.

BACKGROUND HISTORICAL SYNOPSIS -

I watch Reality and Reality Competition Shows.

Now you may continue on to the post...

____________________________________________________________

I was able to watch the American premiere of "X Factor" the other night. This is what I have learned:

It is American Idol, only they have now allowed older people to audition. And Ryan Gleebreast has turned into a British unknown dude.

It is America's Got Talent but only with singers and singing acts.

Pepsi has spent a shitload of money in sponsoring and advertising this show.

The fourth judge spot is a confusing mess. They should have just kept that Cheryl Cole chick because the PCD Nicole Szoppendinger sucks. I can handle the accent that spews forth from Cheryl's mouth. In fact, it made the show a little less uninteresting (more on that later).

(Later....)

The show is extremely uninteresting.

This is the calculation if you need it put in math form to understand:

Simon Cowell coming off as less assholey

Paula Abdul coming off as less kitten high on prescription meds and rum

Pity story montages are an even bigger box of cornflakes.

(A Costco sized box, if you will)

Waste of time.

I'll not give up on it just yet though and will report back my findings next week.

PS. I couldn't quite get Nicole drawn like she looks so I just gave up and made her look like LaToya Jackson.

My Question: Do any of you watch reality television? Or how about competition shows? What about game shows? I have an aversion to "The Price is Right". If it comes on television I break out in a sweat and feel nauseous. Looooooong story.

The Guilt Virus Rant

2011-09-18T12:27:00.000-04:00

Not really sure how this post will work out but I don't care, I'm posting it without any worries.

I consider myself to be honest when I blog. I over share even when it may be detrimental to how people perceive me, yet I know this and do not care. That's why when I take time to go to other blogs I get irritated when others make it look like their life is easy and perfect. Of course their lives aren't perfect. Deep down I know this. Or maybe my life is so chaotic that it is impossible for me to accept that people can juggle all the stressors in their lives with ease while I seem to fail at it endlessly.

For example, today I run across a blog where a woman is sharing her housecleaning tips and tricks. She shares her organizational chart. She makes it look so easy and if you just focus on each day your house will be in top notch shape....clean and disinfected and merry. I am ready to stop what I am doing and immediately create a housecleaning chart for myself. (Keep in mind I have attempted this chart thing ten times or more in the past and it didn't work). I proceed anyway. Then I realize that something isn't meshing with my chart and how it compares with hers. I figure out the code. She doesn't work full time outside the home. I then forgo her blog and become obsessed with finding someone out there in the blogosphere who is in the same boat as myself. Surely there is someone out there who runs their home but also works full time outside their home. Someone who has a family who keeps them busy on the weekends and weeknights with extracurricular activities and practices. THAT is the person I need advice from. I want to know if this person exists and how THEY do it. I also want to know where the energy and motivation comes from. That is the true question for me.

And I want someone to share something other than they do a little here and there whenever they get time and somehow it all works out. I guess what I want is someone to share that they attempted and it works for them for awhile but it isn't perfect and that's okay. At the end of the day their house may be what others consider a mess most days but you know what, the family is happy and content. I want to know that the whole family pitches in but even that fails to continue for the long haul. I want them to admit that they fear the dreaded pop-in visit from a family member, friend or neighbor. Maybe other people enjoy living vicariously through other people's lives that appear better than theirs. I guess it may be a release for them just like reading a book and immersing yourself in that world for an hour or two. I read books too and I immerse myself in those lives but mostly those lives in those books I read are far from perfect. That's why I can't read blogs that make everything appear perfect.

I want others to admit that after years of trying to live up to others expectations and others way of saying they accomplish things that they finally realized that they needed help. I want them to finally share that they hire a maid service at least once a week or twice a month to come in and make things a little more bearable for them. I want them to tell me that the guilt that comes along with that goes away and that it is okay to admit to having help. That having a full time job bringing in money for the family is not something to feel bad about. That taking time to sit down and blog for an hour or two when they could be mopping the floors isn't something to be ashamed about. That it is okay to admit that blogging and journaling virtually relieves stress and that just because you can't channel stress relief into housecleaning doesn't mean you are inefficient. That not doing that doesn't mean you don't love your family. That you love your family more than anything. That's why they admit the truth, free the guilt virus from the bones and shine through the fact that they aren't perfect but they are perfect for their family and they to them.

I want a camaraderie of spirit.

I also want others to tell me they can't spell fuschia correctly either even when they consider themselves at the top echolon of top spellers in America's population. I want this.

I want to see imperfections, warts and all. Life isn't an act for other people to enjoy. We aren't born to be actresses at life. We are born to experience the good, the bad, the ugly. We are born to grow and live and learn and succeed and not succeed. We are born to not give up or settle for second best but yet also not stress over the small stuff. Just because someone appears to lead an efficient and happy life doesn't make it so. They very well could be telling their truth. Or they could be hiding the fact that while they are using all their spare time to clean their bathtubs and scrub the grout, their son could be at his friends getting high on bath salts. Or not. Who the fuck knows.

All I'm saying is be TRUTHFUL. Please. If I go to your blog and every post is pretty pictures and sunshine personified all the time, I can't with you. That may make me a horrible person in your eyes but oh well. I need to be able to relate. Even if you say one thing one week and the next do a 180 turn and it goes against everything you said last week. I don't care. Just let it be, don't edit. If we all had perfect coming out of our mouths and brains at all times we wouldn't need spell check, we wouldn't need copy editors, we wouldn't need a backspace gbutton. (I am NOT hitting my backspace button to go back and delete that accidental g just to show you I mean business). The best things in life come out of free thought and deciding whether you let it be or tidy it up. But don't, for god sakes, don't change it up so much that the end result is a universe beyond how it started out.

The stories I appreciate are the unintended results that came from something totally unrelated. That free will is a great thing but in life there is a large peppering of "things happen for a reason" and "it came as a clue from something greater than ourselves". We are not the sole creator and innovator in our own lives. At times ride the wave of your life and see where it takes you and even if it takes you under the wave and people on the beach are pointing and laughing at your flailing and sputtering up water just remember that at least your feet are wet and you did something without thinking of how you would be perceived. They who laugh are carrying sand in their toes as a constant reminder they forgot to let the water cleanse them and now carry it around and let it sit in their car carpeting for years to come as a constant reminder.

I'm sure I'm making no sense to anyone and coming off as a crazy but that is the theme of this post, I suppose.

Now, I'm getting off here and going to clean half the bathroom and then stop and take a nap. Then get up and have a midday lunch and possibly do a load of laundry. Then stop and comment on some things online and then do some sort of dinner. Then watch Sunday night television and go to bed. Tomorrow at work I will price some maid services.

That is all.

Alexander Fleming discovered Penicillin by chance. He found out that certain fungi could obliterate certain bacteria if left in contact with it for a period of time. Now if only fungi could kill viruses. Sometimes the mold in the old dishes in my refrigerator could automatically kill the guilt virus I get for not cleaning it out quickly enough.

Three Toed Sloth Balls and Skateboarding Bulldogs

2011-09-17T18:59:00.002-04:00

My thirteen year old has hit the teenage phase of being very grumpy and non-animated every morning before school. Trying to engage this species of animal is really a lost cause and I should save my breath. Honestly.

Conversation on the drive to school:

In another topic, this is the second weekend that I've attended my oldest son's marching band competition. Last week we drove there and sat on the bleachers to watch all the bands perform. At one point there was another school out on the field performing their routine. At about midway through their routine, one of the color guard girls comes running up to the front of everyone twirling her flag. Of course she is in the front with a bright ass flag so all attention is on her. This girl was a very busty girl. This girl appeared to not be wearing much in the bra area of her dress in terms of support. This girl's ta-ta's come bouncing out of the gate like they are racing to some imaginary finish line. This girl quickly breaks routine and pulls up the top of her dress. I will give her this, she was extremely quick when doing so - but not quick enough. By this time my husband is sitting next to me trying SO HARD not to laugh, but it was futile. We spent another hour there at the competition and he never got his composure back. That poor girl. That's why I do not complain about being small chested. That's also why I don't run. Okay, that is a lie, I don't run because it sucks three toed sloth balls.

Sloth Picture Source

At any rate, the only thing that could top seeing that, was driving home and seeing a bulldog riding on a skateboard. I didn't pull my camera out because I didn't have time. You can google and see other videos of bulldogs riding on skateboards. What is it about that breed that makes them love that so much? It's hysterical to watch. I see this dog performing this feat of balance even though his weight to height proportion really shouldn't allow it. I come home and find Steeler had gotten in the bathroom trash can again and didn't even bother greeting us at the door. Come on Steeler, give us something! If a bulldog can ride a skateboard, the least you could do is pretend that you were anxiously awaiting our return and not been on a trash scavenger hunt the moment we walked out the door. You are a border collie for crying out loud, the smartest breed on Earth! I would own a bulldog as a pet if it weren't for one thing. When they poop I imagine it comes out like chocolate soft serve ice cream onto the floor (sorry for the gross out, no I'm not). No clue if that is even a realistic image. My only excuse to that thinking has to be because of "The Osbournes" reality show years ago. I think that bulldog they had shit everywhere and it came out looking like that. Disgusting.

My question: Do you own a pet and, if so, what is the coolest trick they can do?

9-11-2011

2011-09-11T12:32:00.000-04:00

I'm currently thinking about....

2011-09-09T08:37:00.001-04:00

Bright colors and how I love them

Speaking of bright colors and photography - on my drive to work, I noticed that there are some bright yellow wildflowers that are completely covering an entire field. I want to take a picture of all the flowers surrounding me. However, the field is behind someone's home and it probably belongs to them. I would be trespassing if I tried to take some pictures like I want to. The obligation would be for me to knock on their door and ask permission to take some pictures of their field. Likely to never happen considering my aversion to strangers and awkward situations.

Bright Yellow Leaf in Green Grass

Frozen Red Grapes in White Wine

Thinking about getting this day over with so I can be home and have some of this...

This is where I will be tonight. MARK.MY.WORDS

Robert Pattinson

Pretty much on my mind at least once an hour.

Love him! Droopy drawers and all.

Canals

Water canals are beautiful. Ear canals are gross. Elisabetta Canalis is on Dancing with the Stars just because she had intimate relations with "The George".

San Antonio River Walk in the spring

Question: What are you thinking about right now?

Chili for Lazy, Unoriginal Dummies

2011-09-05T14:09:00.000-04:00

I am going to start sharing some of the things I cook. If you are expecting some gourmet recipes you can prepare yourself for disappointment. Most of my recipes/meals are family friendly and require little to no effort on my part. That's not to say that sometimes I don't get fancy and serve my family something that refines their taste buds. Having said that, I get little complaints from my man and boys when I serve my meals to them. It may be because they actually enjoy the meal or are just glad they are being fed in general. Who knows. Suzy Homemaker, I am not. I love my family to pieces, I work full time, I pay the bills, I grocery shop, I take care of all their needs, I give them all the love that I have and it overflows out of their bodies because of the quantity I give them. At the end of the day that is what is important.

Now on to the point of this post....Chili. Chili is the one dish where people have been known to have knock down/drag out fights over the best way to make it. Some people swear that great chili has a perfect blend of spiciness and sweetness. Some people think if you don't cook spaghetti noodles in it that you are the anti-christ.

When I make chili it takes me 35 minutes from preparation to finish. The most energy I use is opening up all the cans. The chili police have a warrant out for my arrest.

Here is what I use:
(hamburger not pictured)

2 cans of Diced Tomatoes
2 cans of Bush's Chili Magic
1 can of chili beans
1 can of tomato sauch
1/2 pound of ground beef
Chili Powder
Cincinnati Chili Spice

I ground the beef. I try to buy ground beef that doesn't look wormy. My husband doesn't pay attention when I send him to the store. See below...

I open up all the cans and dump them in a big cooking pot. I don't pay any mind to the nutritional information on the back.

I add the beans! I love beans. Beans are lovely.

It is the food of the hobos after all.

I add the two spices - Chili Powder and Cincinnati spice. I take the chili powder bottle and turn it over the pot of chili and shake nine times. I shake the Cincy spice three times. I am SO precise when I cook. :)

The end result. I have to make two separate pots because I don't like meat in my chili. Basically I like chili sauce, spices and beans. Garnish with shredded cheddar cheese, sour cream (if desired) and crackers. Spaghetti also optional.

This is what I look like when I cook. Pretty much looks like a catastrophe yet the meal turns out pretty well, considering.

Next time on Hobo Cooking....
How to learn to find and cook one dish that you become good at making and take that everywhere you go (like pitch-ins) so that everyone leaves with the impression you are the best cook to ever exist. When, in reality, that is pretty much the only thing you have exerted the most effort to get really good at it. Those people ask for the recipe and you promise you'll email them and never do. You can't risk losing that dish monopoly.

Question: Do you have a special way you make chili?

I Just Start Drawing - A Confused Monkey

2011-09-04T19:42:00.000-04:00

I drew this awhile back and was holding it for a post I felt it worked best in. I don't think it's gonna happen. Instead I will be lazy and let my readers tell me their interpretation of this picture.

This is a stream of consciousness type thing where I start drawing and see where it leads me. It is a nice break to do these types of drawings where I don't have to have a set plan and have pressure that I won't be able to draw my story out.

But, based on my drawing below, I might be committed sooner than I thought.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(Runs and hides from straight jacket)>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

This one I call:

"Confused Monkey"

Click on the picture to view the larger version.

Please tell me...

Why do you think monkey is confused?

(Note - There are no wrong answers)

This is What You Get for Commenting

2011-09-03T23:22:00.000-04:00

I love when people comment on my blogs. I appreciate it. To show my love I'll start featuring my commenters by doing my best drawing interpretation of them as I see them (and I could TOTALLY have it wrong). This is my present to them. It isn't much of a present but it took me a few minutes to draw each one, damn it, so in my mind it's a damn fine present.

I'll do a "thank you for commenting" post every once in awhile so don't worry...if you comment on my posts enough you will be featured. If you are shy and take this as your cue to not comment anymore then I will hunt you down (no I won't) and drag you back. Promises.

Here are two followers who graciously read and comment on my shizz quite often. Thank you!

Vapid Vixen over at http://vapidvixen.com

Go and read her blog and laugh. You will. I promise.

I had no idea that drawing binder clips and paper clips was so freakin difficult?!

Pickleope at http://www.pickleope.com/

I LOVE PICKLES! This blog is no exception. It makes me think there are such things as martini's garnished with pickles sitting on an antler table in a lodge somewhere. "I want to go to there".

I threw in a bunch of random in this picture. Pickled Cucumbers eating watermelon and drinking table wine. That is all kinds of flavor and alternate universe cannabalism, right?

Until next time...

Prints Wheels

2011-09-03T17:21:00.000-04:00

All first born babies are special. They were the first babes you experienced new motherhood and all the feelings that came with it. They also bore the brunt of the mistakes new parents make and thankfully are no worse off after having survived. You know what I'm talking about ladies. Thinking the baby isn't eating enough so you overfeed him. Case in point....

He was six pounds when born. He ballooned thanks to my obsession with feeding him all the time. My husband argues that I didn't overfeed him. You can't overfeed them. When they are full they stop he says. He says he was so chunky because he was healthy and his body really took to my breast milk. Whatever. I'll defer to him on this one because he isn't chunky anymore.

My oldest is a wondrous boy, Prince Wills I have nicknamed him. He isn't as outgoing or rambunctious as his little brother but then again what kid is? Baby Burns is a tornado. Nope, Prince Wills sits back and is as laid back as a kid can be. Sensitive to others feelings and when he comes out of his shell he can really surprise me. He is a heck of a little dancer as was proof at his big sister's wedding a few years ago.

Everyone stopped just to watch him. He was THAT good. Now he won't even attempt it. He is in that "too cool for that" phase.

Mother to a teenager, I cannot believe it. I miss these days:

Now my days are filled with running him to marching band practice and to the orthodontist office. No longer to the park to push him on the swings or going to feed the ducks. Now I deal with attitude when I tell him to do something he doesn't want to do instead of the days when I could just pout and he would come give me kisses and hugs.

Gone are the days where he doesn't mind me having him dress in a suit and hang out with his little brother.

They fight constantly now but there are times when I catch him actually not getting irritated with his little brother and he lets him actually hang out in his room and watch him on his computer. I hear them have a conversation about the lastest WWE wrestler they enjoy watching. Then there are the rare times he lets his little brother sleep in his bed with him because they stayed up talking and got too tired to retire separately.

I love him. So much. This post is sappy but I wanted to talk about him because I know I might not feature him as much in my posts because his personality is subdued and not in your face like his brothers. But he is just as worthy of my attention and applause.

Now, if he ever saw this posted he would die of humiliation and not speak to me for a day. Such the life when you are a mother of a newly crowned teenager. It's just another stage of life I will miss when he is grown up and moved out. Because no matter how parents say they won't miss the teen years I don't believe for a minute that they prefer their grown kids who they don't see every day. Maybe I'll change my tune when he hits the mid teens. I'll get back with you on that.

Question: Can you dance.....well (good)?

At This Very Moment

2011-08-29T11:37:00.000-04:00

This is going to be stream of consciousness post. And for that, I apologize in advance. In order to publish this quickly I probably won't take the time to proofread my work, nor publish any special drawing interpretation. Instead, I'll just be lazy and post a picture of me blowing my bubble gum (I rarely do this by the way). Not chew gum but post current pics of myself on this blog. I can't help it though, how awesome is that bubble? I mean, really.

____________________________________________________________

As I sit here waiting on our furnace guy to show up and do our quarterly furnace check I decide to fart around and view some youtube videos. I like the show "Oddities" on the Discovery Channel. If you are ever in doubt that there are aliens who live among us, then after watching this show you will be rethinking that stance.

My all time favorite alien is Edgar.
If you have a hard time viewing the embed video below here is the link to the video on youtube.

Isn't he wonderfully creepy? Apparently Edgar is some NYC playwright (likely story) that everyone is supposed to know. He has his own Wiki page. He is most eccentric. He speaks like the owner of a dilapidated Victorian home at the end of your street that all the neighborhood kids are scared to pass on their way to school. All kids but me. I love this shit. I know, I know - his voice has pedophile or sexual deviant written all over it. I will pass his house and wave at him while walking on by. I won't go up there, I'm not a complete idiot. But there's no reason to be rude to the guy for being an alien. He's probably just here on this Earth to study human behavior and I refuse to have him report back to his superior that miniature humans are skittish and there would be no problem for hostile takeover.

I am brought out of my daydream and remember that I have a complete stranger getting ready to come into my home. Most people would be a little freaked out after having watched Edgar the Alien. Maybe that is why I am odd. I guess I am missing that part of a person that should be a little skeeved at such things. Truth be told I fear the man coming to my home for no other reason but that I don't know him. It goes against my very soul to open up the door to anyone I don't know. I sit here contemplating how I plan to take down this would be assailant if he tries anything squirrely. Steeler the dog is useless. Oh, he'll bark when the guy knocks or rings the doorbell, you can be certain. As soon as the man walks in the door and even tries to pet the shedding fur ball, Steeler won't growl. No, instead he'll cower and piss all over my hard wood floors. That is why I am forced to lock him up as soon as I know someone is coming into my home. Guard dog, Steeler is not.

My mind starts to wander (as per usual) and I think of this person coming into my home and how he should also be worried about entering someone's home with no clue how this person is going to act. Even though he does this day in, day out - I can't imagine it would get easier. There has to be instances where people have called to complain on him and his services, there has got to be occurrences where the person tries something inappropriate with him. Or maybe not, I over think things and am paranoid about situations.

My mind wanders further and I start to worry that my house may have a weird smell to this stranger. Inhabitants of a home don't really realize the smell of their home. The only time you notice your "Home Scent" is when you have been gone for a few days and then come back. Your nose memory has cleansed itself. You truly get the smell as soon as you walk in the door, that could be good or bad. It's like trying to smell your own breath to see if it smells bad. You can't do it really. You can try to put your hands over your mouth like a cup and breathe out and then immediately smell but you don't really get the true affect. Your breath has to be putrid enough to waft up your nose to really get a clue you have bad stank breath. Otherwise, if you just have mediocre breath you can't really know unless someone tells you so.

I resort to candles being lit all around my house in hopes of bombarding this stranger's nose with random smells that have nothing to do with the actual scent of my home. Who the hell actually has apple pie baking at 11:00 am on a Monday? This isn't 1950 suburbia. He walks down the stairs to the basement and his nose goes from baked apples to Oriental Amber Wood. He gets nose confused. How can one home smell like fruit but minutes later like the backyard of rural China? Wait, the backyard of rural China may not smell pleasant after all, I'm not sure. No offense to anyone who may take offense. For all I know rural Chinese backyards smell wonderful. Do they? Please someone let me know because now I am insanely curious.

As for my home, it smells like the silk flower and candle section of a Hobby Lobby and I suppose that's not altogether a bad thing. But it does feel like I am cheating on life and should let people know the real family that lives here. But who really does that? Aliens that's who. Edgar the Alien is the only one (of few) who let their inner weird out, warts and all. If only we took the time to go up to Edgar's door, knock and go inside. We would smell the intoxicating scent of rotten decay and alien farts but you know what, it's truth.

(Don't knock on Edgar the Alien's door, please. I'm only joking. He may be a maniac).

Here is Edgar's actual blog. I foresee a late night in my future filling my head with the awesomeness that is Edgar. I will never be the same and nor should I be. Life forever changed by the man down the street in the Victorian home.

Final Question: What does your home really smell like? You don't know, do you? You will tell me some artificial smell, right?

Sweaty T-Shirt Cat Fight

2011-08-28T21:14:00.001-04:00

I promised myself when I started this blog that I would try to keep my celeb crushes (and I have a bunch of them) under wraps because deep down I am still that 12 year old brace faced girl with NKOTB posters plastered all over my bedroom walls girl.....but trapped in a 36 year old mom-body. That should be quite embarrassing for me.

However, I am breaking my promise right now. I have to yell it from the rooftops that I love ME SOME Robert Pattinson! There it is, you all know now. Make fun if you will - I know crushing on him may put me in "cougar category" but you know what, I.DON'T.CARE. I was only eleven years old when he was born and had not yet had my first menstrual cycle - so, in my mind, I wasn't old enough to birth him. That makes him fair game and I don't feel guilty or like a dirty old lady.

Where Have all the Hobos Gone? Indeed.....

Picture Source

I have had many crushes. Donnie Wahlberg, of course. I have a story about me camping out for NKOTB tickets only to be inconsolable when he was put in jail in my own home city for setting a hotel room fire. Then, crying tears of joy to see him walk out on that stage. Only to be in a rage over some girl swiping his sweaty t-shirt out of my hand (that t-shirt was meant for ME!). The gamut of emotions I displayed should have put me in a coma for weeks. A Teen Crush Emotion Coma.

The very first crush I remember is Ricky Schroeder from Silver Spoons. I think everyone crushed on him though. I'll rattle on all the ones I remember;

Michael Jackson (Thriller days)
Barrett Oliver (Neverending Story, The Secret Garden)
C. Thomas Howell (Pony Boy from The Outsiders)
Chad Allen (My Two Dads) - I know he's gay and, no, I did NOT see that one coming. Erm..I just typed that and yes it sounds so dirty.
Jeremy Licht (that Valerie Harper show)
Christian Slater
Keanu Reeves (Point Break - HELLO!)
one of those London twins (I don't know which one)
Johnny Depp - he is still on, and will always be on, my crush list. Even when he is 80 years old he will still be hot. Everyone knows that. It is written in stone.
anyone Winona Ryder dated - minus that Soul Asylum dude
anyone Gwyneth Paltrow dated or married
Joseph Gordon-Levitt (post 30 Rock) - this is where my cougar-y territory began
Shia LaBeouf (after Disney)
Andy Samberg (SNL)
Dog the Bounty Hunter's son (you know which one I'm speaking of)
Peter Dinklage (midget from Game of Thrones) - extreme talent and charisma trump that he is only, like, three feet tall

and so on...

Picture Source

P.S. If you have kept up with any of my past posts you have already been clued in on my love for the Pattz.

FYI: Husband was not emotionally injured in the making of this post. Husband is aware of the crazy he married. Husband has no room to talk considering he has crushed on Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson. Yes, that's right. Now he loves Jordan from Big Brother. I guess you see a theme there, right? Makes me wonder about his type and me being that...type.

So I ask you - Who is your celebrity crush?

The Crisco Incident

2011-08-21T14:50:00.002-04:00

(The following is a true story - unfortunately).

Once upon a time (some years ago), there was a five year old little boy. That little boy thought it would be a great idea to take a bottle of used cooking oil and pour it all over the dog. That dog figured the boy was giving it something to eat. That dog starts licking up the oil that is dripping onto the ground.

That same dog then upchucks all the oil. The mom watches (horrified) from the kitchen window once she notices what has transpired. That mother has to go outside and clean up the oily dog vomit and then hose down the dog. Hosing down the dog does not get out all the oil from its fur. She proceeds to shampoo the dog for the next two hours to try to get rid of all the oil in the dogs fur - even then the dog smelled like old french fries for the next two weeks.

That little boy was in BIG TIME trouble.

That mother was left exhausted.

What a cruel, cruel joke that humans are made in a way that the young ones (who have no clue) possess boundless amounts of energy and the adults have barely enough energy to keep up with them.

My question - Has your kid(s) ever caused this kind of mess, or am I just blessed with a special kind of child hellion?

Killer Dirty Sock Army

2011-08-14T12:10:00.001-04:00

First off....I think I have fixed all my blogs and got the pictures back on my posts. It took me two weekends, but I'm done! Thank the good gourd.

Thanks everyone for your patience and I want to apologize if any of my old blogs showed up in your Blogger or RSS feeds and confused the hell out of you. It was my hope that the filler Baby Burns post kept you entertained if you clicked over to my blog.

It took me so long to fix this because I also had to be a wife and mom and not let the house combust from dust or enflare from all the dog hair. Yesterday, I cleaned our basement and was amazed at the things I found down there. You see, I don't hang out in our finished basement much. That is my husband and boys place. The only time I am down there is when I know it has gotten so dirty I have no choice but to trek down with my vacuum and cleaning supplies.

By the end of the day I had a small laundry basket filled with dirty clothes. Why my boys strip down to their underwear when playing on the computer or watching television, I have no clue. It is a male thing I guess. Among the dirty clothes were a TON of dirty socks. I can't tell you how many times I have bought those boys new socks because I never could find any to wash. Now I know why. There were socks hiding out everywhere. It was a virtual dirty sock easter egg hunt. Just when I thought I had gotten them all, there would be another one peeking out from under a chair or cabinet!

I'm going to have nightmares of an insane dirty sock army climbing the basement steps and killing me in my sleep. I'm not joking...seriously. Not really sure why they would want to kill me personally. Perhaps it is because they don't like to be ignored and forgotten. They don't want to kill the people who wear them but the people who clean them. The dirt and sweat and foot smell must be what makes them so insane.

It MIGHT also have something to do with me being lazy sometimes and when I don't have a paper towel or dusting cloth handy, I have used a dirty sock close by to dust the furniture. Is that gross? I guess. Oh well, I is who I is. In my mind, Pledge chemicals kill even the grossest germs hiding out in socks.

Hobo Girl keeping it real and oblivious to the truth since 1974.

Question: Do you have any weird or embarrassing cleaning routines?

The Baby Burns Show

2011-08-06T11:06:00.001-04:00

This is going to be a filler post to give me time for some blog maintenance. I say maintenance, but really what I'll be doing is replacing all my old pictures in my old blog posts because I am a knucklehead and deleted my Blogger Picasa album and 98% of my blog pictures! This was even AFTER I was warned NOT to do this. TRAGIC.

I kept telling myself to not use blogger as a picture storage but I don't listen to that voice. I ignore and charge on. Bites me in the ass big time. SIGH.

All my pictures are now showing a big black box with a white exclamation mark inside. There is a bright side because, thank goodness I am anal retentive and have all my pictures saved on my laptop or my USB flash stick. For once one of my annoying personality traits are coming to my rescue.

So, while I am spending my day fixing this shizz and getting drunk to soothe my woes, I will let my youngest son Baby Burns entertain you. (Don't click that link right now if you want to see pictures because you will see none. Hmph).

Here's how this post will work. Everything in bold is my title theme and after that is my son's one liner or joke. Enjoy.

SOOO CLOSE ON THE PRONUNCIATION

He falls on his butt:

"I think I bruised my cocksix."

SMART ASS

I tell him that he could dish it out but he couldn't take it.

"Mom that's ridiculous, we have a dishwasher."

WELL, ISN'T THAT THE DAMN TRUTH

What is your favorite store, I ask him.

"My favorite store is Toys FOR Us."

IT'S CALLED HISTORY, SON

I ask him what he wants to go to college and study:

"I plan to go to college and study biography. The study of a person's life."

THIS MAKES ME WONDER IF I WAS WRONG WITH THE WORD ALL THESE YEARS

We are watching Star Wars together. He says:

"I want one those Star Wars light savers."

LEAVE IT TO HIM TO MAKE AN INSUFFERABLE AFFLICTION SOUND FUN

He overhears me talking to his father about chicken pox. He interrupts and replies:

"I have never had the chicken pops."

THINK ABOUT THAT, TOM HANKS!

After watching "Castaway" one night, he says:

"I would have opened all the FedEx boxes if it were me. What if there were sweet tarts in one of those boxes!?"

WELL....HE IS RIGHT

I overhear him singing:

"She's a barbie girl, in a barbie world. She's fantastic. Her boobs are plastic."

OVER DRAMATIC

After playing soccer he comes to the sidelines and throws his hands in the air and hollers:

"I THINK I AM HAVING HEART PALIPOTATIONS!"

RELIGIOUS PUN

A conversation between us:

Him: Dad used to drive a Sheep.
Me: A Jeep.
Him: You drove a Chrysler.
Me: Yes.
Him: Jesus drove one too.
Me: What?
Him: It was called, Christler.

I WON'T BE ABLE TO FIND A JERRY ORBACH WALL POSTER, I JUST KNOW IT.

I walk downstairs and he is sitting there watching the televison show "Law and Order". He says:

"Law and Order is my favorite show now. It makes me feel really smart."

I MISS ALL THOSE WHOLESOME KNOCK KNOCK JOKES OF MY ADOLESCENCE

Son: Dad, I have a joke for you. After I ask you a question you have to say the word "addicted".

Dad: Ok, son.

Son: Why do you like chocolate?

Dad: ADDICTED

Son: Why do you like coffee?

Dad: ADDICTED

Son: Why do you watch reality tv?

Dad: ADDICTED

Son: What kept you up last night?

Dad: ADDICTED

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!

HE OBLITERATES GENDER CONFUSION

While watching television one morning a commercial for a new and improved easy bake oven came on. He watches it and said that thing is SO COOL Mommy. I asked him if he wanted Santa Claus to bring him one. Both he and his brother both screamed and said NOOOOOOO way!! Those are for girls. To which Baby Burns says:

"I would like one but I want one that is for boys and has flames painted on it. You know...to make it manlier"

AND FINALLY this gem came out of his mouth last week...

EMPATHY

He sits down and is petting our dog, Steeler and says:

"I'm sorry they cut your balls off, Steeler"

Summer Camp Stalker

2011-08-01T11:29:00.003-04:00

My youngest son, Baby Burns, went to his first overnight summer camp last week. He just stayed one week. I prepared him as best I could. In his duffel bag there were enough blank letters for him to write us to tell us all about his camp experience. Prior to last week I also made sure to go over with what to expect and how he can cope with homesickness. I really thought I had prepared for everything.

What I had not prepared for was how much........

...I missed him!

Terribly missed him - that's how much.

I told my husband that I was entertaining the idea of sneaking over to the camp one night just to check on my baby boy. Hubby promptly squelched those thoughts with a reminder that I would scare the shit out of all the campers and most likely be arrested on site.

Somehow I managed to last the whole week without sneaking over to the camp. I emailed him endlessly to the point where he was probably humiliated by my neediness. I checked the camp website ten times a day to see if there were any picture updates. When I would see a picture of him posted I right clicked/saved that thing like it was the last picture ever to be taken before the world ended. Even if his ear was the only thing showing in a picture, I still saved it. "That's my baby boy's ear! That's his ear! Aww!"

The day I received his postcard, I was beside myself with excitement. You'd think I stumbled across the Dead Sea Scrolls - if the Dead Sea Scrolls were made out of card stock paper and had a ten year old boy's scribbled scrawl over it. I soaked up every word he gave me. Those words weren't much, yet, everything:

The last day of camp was finally here and it was time to go pick him up. The hours went by so slow and it was such an endless wait. Finally, though, we had arrived at the camp in our car ready to retrieve our little one. I saw him and he gave me a smirk as if he knew how much I went through the last week with his absence.

Just like you see in movies (in slow motion) I start jogging towards him.

The look on his face goes from....

smirking

to confused

to horrified.

I don't care about his mortification - all I care about is that I HAVE HIM BACK! Yay! Happy Day!

What the HELL will I do when my boys go off to college? Quit my job and move to the college and work as the groundskeeper, most likely.

Farts & Crafts - Picture Frame Trio

2011-07-30T20:14:00.002-04:00

I got crafty y'all! I made my own picture frame trio with a back ribbon made from the back stands of each frame and coordinating flowers that match the color of my kitchen/dining room (rusty orange).

First, I bought three picture frames from the store for $2.67 each. The frames were 4"6" and were very light weight. I also purchased the faux flowers from Michael's Craft store for $.99 each.

I prepared three photographs that I took myself while on vacation and ran them through the online Picnik photo editor. I used the sepia toned effect but adjusted the sepia color so it was more orange. I then just sent them to a one hour photo at a local drugstore and picked them up when I picked up a prescription for the hubby.

To begin I turned each of the picture frames over and cut off the back stands and set the frames aside.

I then placed a line of hot glue at each end of two of the back stands. Place those stands on the back middle of all of the picture frames. The last back stand will only be glued at the bottom and placed at the back of the top picture frame. The very top will be where you nail it into the wall.

Next, I took three of the silk flowers and pulled off the stems. Then I disassembled the entire flower.

Next, I cut off the tubing so the entire flower layed flat when it was hot glued onto the back stands.

Next, I hot glued the flower back together and then hot glued the flower on the middle of each back stand.

Lastly, I found a wall and nailed that mother sucker up!

Difficulty level: Any monkey with a craft store near it can perform this project.

Total Cost of Entire Project:

Three Picture Frames - $8.00

Three Faux Flowers - $3.00

Printing out three photos - $.67

Total: $11.67

I like using hot glue on things, it is such a great stress reliever. Those times when I get so stressed out I want to explode, I should carry around a glue gun and spare glue sticks.

Do you think outside the box when you want to relieve stress?

To Honk or Not to Honk, That is the Question

2011-07-24T19:21:00.003-04:00

In general, I am not a horn honker. It takes an extreme situation to make me honk my car horn at someone. The last time I honked my car horn at someone, I can't even recall. In fact, the sound it makes is foreign to me.

Friday after work, I promised my husband and boys that I would pick up dinner for them at Chick-fil-a. As I was pulling in to go through the drive-thru, I had to stop behind this guy in a pickup truck. At first I thought he was stopped because the drive-thru line was wrapped around the building. Upon further review, I realized he was actually waiting on two women who just got to their car. The car they were waiting on happened to be near one of the entrances to the restaurant. There was no way around him and I was stuck behind him at his mercy until he decided what the hell he was going to do. What he was going to do was sit there and take his sweet time and wait for those two women to load both of their babies into the back seat of their car. As a mother I know how long it takes to load a baby into a car. Him, being a guy, he may not have any extensive knowledge of loading kids into cars, but I can't imagine he is so stupid he doesn't know how long it is going to take. Further, I notice he has a woman sitting next to him in the pickup truck. Even if he wasn't privy to the timeframe of loading chirruns into vehicles, I am quite certain anyone of the female variety would know of such a thing and advise their companion of this. To make matters worse...or better yet further frustrating, is the fact that two parking spots over is an empty space!!!!!!! He could have just drove into that spot and already be in the restaurant ordering his chicken nuggets.

Below is a crude diagram of the scene of the crime against me.

Do you see the car of people (shown as X's) loading their babies in? Do you see the empty parking spots two over and not far from the entrance and certainly "do-able" to walk rather than waiting until the occupied spot is open? In addition, there is a whole other entrance he could have used and MORE empty spaces close to that one!

NO, instead he was going to wait on these ladies and their baby loading actions. It appears the ladies are in no hurry to remove themselves from this tense situation. Perhaps they were aware of how big of an ass he is being and decide to punish him? However, punishing him is punishing me.

I know that dude knows of my presence behind him, yet I have no option other than to wait. If I were in his position I would have felt obligated to do something opposite of what he has decided to do. I obviously have time to think about his motives. Is he doing this to impress his lady friend and show his chivalrous side and providing her with a close spot so her precious feet do not have to walk very far? It IS blazing hot outside so, heaven forbid, it take her five extra seconds to get into an air conditioned establishment. FIVE EXTRA SECONDS!

Yet, there I sat, instead of honking my horn - because I don't honk my horn in these types of situations. Honking my horn in this situation will alert this man that I am not pleased with what he is doing and he should kindly move aside. I imagine if I honk my horn, this man will not see the error of his ways but be affronted at my boldness and give me the finger or, worse, get out of his truck and sass me. Avoiding confrontation is what I do best.

So I sit...steaming at the ears. An uncomfortable amount of time passes and I have had it - I. Take. Action. No, I don't honk my horn - I put my car in reverse and pull back out the way I came in. I make sure to rev my engine in hopes that this dude realizes there is an irate person behind him. Me revving my engine is my "Fuck You", "I won't honk my horn at you, asshole, and tell you I want you to move. Instead, I will rev my engine and peel out of the parking lot alerting you that a person just left because of your assinine behavior".

I get as far as the stop light and remember my family really wants Chick-fil-a for dinner, so I turn around with my car bumper between my legs and attempt this over again. By the time I am back to the drive-thru entrance, the pickup truck man and his princess girlfriend have arrived in their coveted parking spot. I am sure both achieved a highly pleasant orgasm as they pulled in. With smiles on their faces they walk up to the door as I am pulling around the drive-thru. I drive slowly in hopes either (or both) of them look over and see my bitch scowl. That'll show them

Ordering of the dinner then happens and I can't stop thinking about the whole situation. As I am waiting to pull up to the drive-thru window, I daydream about different scenarios I can get back at him. I think about parking and going in and giving him a piece of my mind and scream at him, "how dare you not think of other people behind you!" I fantasize of slashing his tires while he and his lady sit in the restaurant licking the chicken grease off their grubby fingers. My daydream bubble bursts because Hobo Girl's conscience - Mr. Dragon - appears and lectures her that she should be ashamed of harboring such a thought. Mr. Dragon Conscience reminds Hobo Girl of the guilt she will feel if she were to treat others property in such a deplorable manner. Mr. Dragon then wraps up the lecture with a "Besides, it's broad daylight, are you insane? People will see you".

Hmph. Finally I pull out of Chick-fil-a with the food and get to the stop light to go home. The light is red and since I am needing to make a left turn I have to wait on a green turn arrow. The green turn arrow appears.....but the truck in front of me is not moving!! 'AHHHHHHHHH, FUCK, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!". My tolerance already has been tested, beaten and laid out to dry. I can't believe I am going to do this.. I HONK MY HORN! Oh that felt good! I can't believe I was so opposed to this before? What a cathartic feeling! Never again will I be timid in honking my car horn at people. From this day on I will honk my horn at the slightest grievances against me during my road travels. People will think of me as a bitchin NYC cab driver-type when they are in the car with me.

*Daydream over* Why isn't this guy moving? I honked my horn, dammit! Are you kidding me right now? He heard me I know he did...is he toying with me too? The green arrow is going to be gone and I will still be here behind him! *Panic and hate surges through my body*.

Then it hits me, maybe it's me and not him?

Sure enough, I check and I am in the straight through lane and not the left turn lane. The guy in front me did nothing wrong and is minding his own business waiting on a green light to cross both sides traffic to get to the other side. Poor guy has to deal with some insane woman behind him honking her horn for no damn reason

Embarrassed, I pull over to the left which, by that time, I have missed the green turn arrow and now have to wait on the red light. The guy is to my right (probably giving me a hate look). Staring straight ahead and never looking over, I wait on the light and pray that it hurries up. His light, thankfully, turns green and he goes on his merry, if not weirded out, way.

Meanwhile, I sit in my car in the left turn lane and still wait on the red light to change. All the while thinking to myself, "I will never honk a car horn again, under any circumstance."

QUESTION:

Would you have honked your horn at the Chick-fil-a pickup truck dude?

More Than One Way to Skin a Cat

2011-07-17T19:25:00.001-04:00

During my IKEA adventure on Friday, I purchased a 6-drawer chest for my closet. (Now when I need a pair of my lady drawers, i.e. panties, I can just go in my closet and get a pair rather than walk out into our bedroom to the other chest of drawers. Avoiding the possibility of accidentally flashing and scarring for life one or both of my adolescent sons).

Here is what I purchased:

IKEA Malm 6-drawer chest: http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/90106506#/90106506/

In my family, I am the furniture put togetherer. My dear husband, God love him, has zero patience when assembling pre-made furniture. If it were up to him he would dump out all the contents of the box, throw away the directions and just go at it. Ending in a piece of furniture that wobbles, the drawers don't shut correctly and a ton of leftover screws and nails that I know were not extras provided by the company.

The responsibility of putting together this stuff falls on me because (~~I insist)~~ I am meticulous and careful and ~~anal~~ a perfectionist. Below, I will show you how I assembled the item with opposing instructions on how the husband would have done it.

In the box, in our bedroom

The box is opened. Those are my knees and they look like two Siamese twins joined at the at the hips and their mother laid them down with their butts in the air. Or maybe not.

My way: All items are removed and organized by type.

Husband's way: All items are removed and strewn about according to the way they fell out of the box.

Item Chaos

My way: All hardware is separated according to type. All hardware is counted and accounted for prior to assembling the product.

Husband's way: All hardware remains in the bags until he thinks he'll need something.

Hardware Chaos

My way: I read through every step in the instructions and understand the begin to end process prior to assembling. (Although I disregard the tip to have another person assist when assembling. Pshaw).

Husband's way:

"There were instructions? I thought it was the warranty information."

My way: Prior to starting to assemble the first section, I get my tool ready and all the hardware I will need for that step.

Husband's way: Takes the screwdriver and one piece of hardware and locates the pre-drilled hole and starts screwing (crafty sexual innuendo).

My way: I put together the frame and nail in the backboard. Before placing nails, I measure each space so I will know that I have the same amount of nails hammered into the board as the instructions indicate.

Husband's way: He just starts nailing them in. Some nails are closer to each other and some nails are miles apart. In the end, the backboard is on but there are big spaces that will end up driving his wife bat shit crazy.

My way: Once the frame is put together, I set it up and make sure everything looks right and it does not wobble.

Husband's way: He doesn't do this, he doesn't have time for this nonsense. He continues to complete it.

My way: I check to see what items I have left to build. I also include one son so I can use this project as a lesson for him on how to put together items correctly so his future wife will be pleased with his furniture assembling techniques. She will be so grateful to my foresight in teaching him this that she will take care of me when I am elderly and gladly change my adult diapers. But I digress.

Husband's way: He doesn't stop and look at what is left to do. He charges on...

My way: I assemble one drawer first and then slide it in to make sure I have assembled the roller mechanism correctly.

Husband's way: He assembles all drawers all at once and does not check to see if he assembled them correctly.

My way: After assembling all drawers, I put them in and make sure all drawers fit nicely.

Husband's way: He doesn't do this until after he moves it to the closet where he will find out one or more drawers do not fit. Then he has to take it back out of the cramped final location and back into the bedroom where he has to backtrack to figure out where his drawer assembling went wrong.

The final product in the closet.

This is how it looked after I assembled it:

The final product in the closet as husband would have assembled it:

If you hadn't noticed, his cabinet turned out the same as mine. Granted there might be a few nails and screws missing and the drawers might not be exactly correctly assembled but they do pull in and out just fine.

This leads to the final stats of HIM vs ME in furniture assembling.

Same end conclusion. The difference is the time saving statistics.

The exact time when I began building:

12:13 PM

The exact time when I finished building:

4:56 PM

Yes, I listen to the Glee Channel on Pandora when I do any kind of manual labor. Don't judge me!

Total time it took me:

Approximately 4 hours and 45 minutes.

Other tasks I completed during that time: I had lunch.

Husband's Begin Time:

12:13 PM

Husband's End Time:

1:13 PM

Total time: 1 hour (or 60 minutes).

Other tasks he completed during the time it took me to put the same piece of furniture together: He mowed our 2 acre lawn, he ran the weed eater and he trimmed some bushes. He also took a shower.

Conclusion: It took me over 3 hours longer to do the same thing he accomplished and mine is only a slightly better version.

(my son's future wife will, in fact, not be grateful to me but annoyed that her husband takes forever to do one task and is not available to do all her other "honey do" items. To retaliate against me she will insist I be put into a nursing home and some stranger change my adult diapers.)

In the end, I guess I am the one who has the problem.

Swedish Meatballs with Dingleberry Sauce

2011-07-17T18:19:00.001-04:00

On Friday the family and I took a short trip up to Cincinnati. Why did we drive two hours to Cincy you ask? Did you go to an amusement park or a cool museum? That would be no. I made my husband and two sons drive me to the closest IKEA store!

Picture Source

Some women love to shop for clothes, for shoes, for handbags. Me..I love shopping for housewares. Most husbands would be put in the doghouse for buying their wife a vacuum cleaner for her birthday. I ask my husband to please not buy me jewelry but rather something for our house.

Elation was my middle name when I found out I was going to get to travel to IKEA. I have never been to one before and have always wanted to go. Usually I have to satisfy my houseware shopping cravings by visiting Bed, Bath and Beyond. It isn't the same as a Home Superstore like IKEA, though.

We arrive and then walk in the front door and I swear I can hear angels sing, I am in heaven. For anyone who has walked into an IKEA should already know the layout but for those who don't, I'll explain. The whole store layout is planned by a genius. You start off upstairs at the cafe where you can eat a traditional Swedish lunch. Then you grab a cool IKEA shopping bag and cart and you are on your way. Every department leads into another. For the next hour or two, you visit the kids furniture department, the bedroom store, the kitchen store, and then you head downstairs through lighting and rugs. All the while you have a tiny pencil and shopping list paper where you write down the items you want to buy that you will have to pick up in the self serve large item storage room (huge room). You locate the aisle number and bin number and then take a rolling cart for large items and pick up your furniture box. From there, it leads to the checkout lanes. Once you checkout, you then can shop at the small grocery and buy all the Swedish food items you want.

We spent three hours there and I couldn't have been happier. I really could have spent five hours there I think. The recreated rooms were so interesting to walk through...my favorite part for sure. I showed restraint on my purchases even though we did take my husband's pickup truck and I could have bought quite a few large items. In the end, I only purchased one piece of furniture and a bunch of small home decorating items - along with a cooler full of frozen and packaged foods.

Here is my IKEA bounty ..

Frozen Swedish Meatballs, Mashed Potatoes, Au Gratin Potatoes, Lingonberry Jam (my husband nicknamed it Dingleberry jam), Organic Swedish Coffee, and Meatball Cream Sauce.

Apart from the food and the home decor items I bought, I also purchased a closet wardrobe cabinet. I really liked it when I saw it in the store because it had a place at the top for jewelry along with two thin drawers and four larger drawers. Currently, I house my jewelry in a drawer by my bathroom sink and I always have a tough time because my necklaces get all kinked up. With this wardrobe my necklaces can now stretch out their legs and I don't have to spend ten minutes untangling them every time I want to wear them.

I am so proud of my man and boys who hung in there with me the entire time. As bored as they got they realized how much fun I was having and let me have my time with minimal whining on their part.

The next post will be the adventure of putting together the wardrobe chest I bought. Stay tuned..

!!!!!!!!!!!

The Difference Between Male and Female Cows

2011-07-12T19:23:00.001-04:00

This duck is either showing me her duck ass in retaliation or presenting to me her magnificent plumage. Keep reading to find out why a duck would want to retaliate against me.

The family and I went fishing today because the boys wanted to and so did my husband. Since hubby couldn't drive because he hasn't been cleared yet that meant that I also had to go. It being the hottest day of the year here in Kentuckiana it makes sense that we would choose this day to go (sarcasm). It's humid as monkey balls sweat. To pass time I took pictures because I need to get practice on this fancy camera that was gifted to me for Christmas. Practice makes perfect and I need it, for certain.

So this is where I share todays photos because I have nothing to contribute about the fishing experience. That's not entirely true - I can share that I attempted to cast out and in doing so I lost three worms. Three worms weren't lost to the fish, mind you, but they were thrown off the hook when I haphazardly cast off and hit a tree...a pond weed....a duck. The duck was not hurt but did give me a bitch face for the remainder of the afternoon.

My oldest son, Prince Wills, called the cat tails - Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo Sticks. Quite inventive.

On the way home we passed a pasture of cows and Baby Burns yips yaps to us about cows. Here's how it went down (a transcript):

Baby Burns:

Mommy, do you know how to tell the difference between male and female cows?

Me:

Nope, tell me.

Baby Burns:

The males are horny.

Buh-Dum-Bump.

Welcome to the World, Harper Seven Beckham!

2011-07-11T18:39:00.004-04:00

Yesterday morning in a hospital room in Los Angeles, Victoria and David Beckham welcomed a little baby girl into their family.

In the same hospital two doors down another couple welcome their baby into the world.

Please note: I don't have any clue if Becks wears the #7 on his soccer uniform.

Where Have all the Hobos Gone?

Veggie Basil Pizza

Stinky Piggies

Strapless Backless Gown vs Gingham Handkerchief Tops

The Difference Between a Man and Woman - Foreign Accents

Home Havens

Farts & Crafts - Turtle Cupcake

I Just Start Drawing - River vs Sea Boxing Match

Crap that Irritates Me - Letter Case Usage

Hobo Style: Nautical Print, Plaid & Wicker

Old Lanes Sign

Santa Should Use Gift Bags

What I Did Today...

Chicken of the Sushsea

Contrary Christmas Tree

Waffle Iron Apocalypse

Flu Shots and My Kids

The Price is Right Retro Hate

Fork You Too, Beech Tree!

Porterhouse Wagoner and the Banshee Baby

Fun With Photoshop - Trash TV

I Will Win Awards

Pass Me the Pureed Peas Please Darling, While I Tell You a Little Story!

Things I Highly Recommend That I Hardly Ever Use

SuX Factor

The Guilt Virus Rant

Three Toed Sloth Balls and Skateboarding Bulldogs

9-11-2011

I'm currently thinking about....

Chili for Lazy, Unoriginal Dummies

I Just Start Drawing - A Confused Monkey

This is What You Get for Commenting

Prints Wheels

At This Very Moment

Sweaty T-Shirt Cat Fight

The Crisco Incident

Killer Dirty Sock Army

The Baby Burns Show

OVER DRAMATIC

After playing soccer he comes to the sidelines and throws his hands in the air and hollers:

"I THINK I AM HAVING HEART PALIPOTATIONS!"

RELIGIOUS PUN

A conversation between us:

Him: Dad used to drive a Sheep. Me: A Jeep. Him: You drove a Chrysler. Me: Yes. Him: Jesus drove one too. Me: What? Him: It was called, Christler.

I WON'T BE ABLE TO FIND A JERRY ORBACH WALL POSTER, I JUST KNOW IT.

I walk downstairs and he is sitting there watching the televison show "Law and Order". He says:

"Law and Order is my favorite show now. It makes me feel really smart."

AND FINALLY this gem came out of his mouth last week...

EMPATHY

He sits down and is petting our dog, Steeler and says:

Summer Camp Stalker

Farts & Crafts - Picture Frame Trio

To Honk or Not to Honk, That is the Question

More Than One Way to Skin a Cat

Swedish Meatballs with Dingleberry Sauce

The Difference Between Male and Female Cows

Welcome to the World, Harper Seven Beckham!

Him: Dad used to drive a Sheep.
Me: A Jeep.
Him: You drove a Chrysler.
Me: Yes.
Him: Jesus drove one too.
Me: What?
Him: It was called, Christler.