It has been almost ten years since my mother took her own life.  She struggled so hard with her inability to communicate and enjoy her once robust life after her last debilitating stroke.  To this day there are so many questions and what if's that follow.

You know what has helped me?  Birdwatching.

Some say I am obsessed with birds as I collect figurines and I love to watch the birds that visit my back porch. 

Filling the bird feeders and taking pictures of them as they come visit is one of my favorite things. 

The following is a true story.
My Mother's Roses

My mother once planted roses
in the backyard where I used to live.

In the spring following my mother's death,
I ventured outside
as the snow had melted from the hard ground.

As if they were silently urging me,
my mother's roses beckoned me over to them -
to bare witness to their eruption
of colorful, fragrant blooms.

One cannot simply look at such beauty.
The necessity to touch and smell
becomes of utmost importance.

As I bent down
to touch and smell a particularly beautiful flower,
a tiny gray bird burst out of those roses
onto that cold, hard, unforgiving ground.

I watched it as it flailed and hopped, hinting at
an injured wing.
Its struggle clearly evident yet I could do nothing
but watch it struggle.

After a few moments,
this tiny bird stopped the hopping.
It sat on the ground- perfectly still.

At once, as if suddenly inspired
and rejuvenated,
the bird took off toward the sun
with both wings helping its ascent!

I watched that bird for so long
until I could no longer make it out
in the daytime sky.

My mother's roses belong to another family now
and I thought of taking a part of them with me
on my new journey
away from the past into my future.

In the end, I decided to keep the roses
as they were.

Just like that tiny bird.


Vapid Vixen said...

I'm so sorry to hear you lost your Mother. I love that you appreciate something so simple as the birds in your backyard. We're always hustling and bustling we forget to notice things like that. Well, I do anyway. The story about your Mother's roses was beautifully touching.

TriGirl said...

Sad and beautiful, Tonya. I also find that watching nature helps quiet sadness.

Sian said...

I think you just broke my heart, in a big beautiful way xxxx

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