Depression is a Brutal Beast

There are so many nuances to depression and no two people battle it the same.  

I have begun to name my chronic depression - the byzantine beast.

a :  of, relating to, or characterized by a devious and usually surreptitious manner of operation <a Byzantine power struggle>
b :  intricately involved :  labyrinth <rules of Byzantine complexity> 

3. something formidably difficult to control or deal with

Beyond that, for some people like me, depression comes and goes and when it reappears it never feels the same as the last time.  My last recurrence happened in December 2012 and I was non-functioning.  Going to work was impossible and I had to just not go.  Calling my boss to let her know I would not be in was a lie fest because I could not admit the real reason.  Instead there were vague excuses of "not sure what is wrong" but I was "feeling under the weather" and "need to get into the doctor to see what the problem might be".  I knew what the problem was.....fucking depression.  The bitch that is now known as the byzantine beast. 

This time around I can feel that I am in another round of the beast's return but this time I am in a functioning stage.  I can pull myself out of bed and go to work and actually do really well there. 

Getting up is a constant struggle but a cup (or three) of coffee helps.  Pulling on something professional to wear instead of just wanting to wear the dirty/smelly clothes I wore the past week while not working is an exercise in restraint.  Putting makeup on - only after arriving to work - helps mask the dark under eye circles and pallid complexion.  

I don't have time to sit around and feel awful.  The new job I am working in leaves no time to sit around and wallow.  I know I am still depressed but I am able accomplish what I am supposed to do.  It is like each work day as the day progresses I start to feel this hopeful feeling that perhaps the depression really isn't there and that I was having a bad evening the night before.  I end the workday feeling a sense of accomplishment and think that "today is the day where it all turned around for me".  I end the work day and start my drive back home and can physically feel the motivation pour out of me so that by the time I arrive home I am back to my Mrs. Hyde the Motivation and I am back to physically and emotionally looking like this:

The weekends are the worst.  
The byzantine beast can go the hell away forever, and soon!

In more ways than I can say I think this round of depression is worse than the debilitating form it took last winter.  At least with that depression, I felt more like I was actually ill and there was something physically wrong with me and in my mind I knew it would run its course and leave more quickly.  But this time around the cruelty that it shows of making me hopeful every day only to daily pull the rug out from under me is beyond shitty. My family is so supportive of my issues, but the guilt I feel for putting them through this ongoing battle is something that does not go away even when the unpredictable byzantine beast goes to sleep for a while.   


Anonymous said...

I call mine "a cold, dark cell." And I can't describe it other than to say it's like peeling an orange with a screwdriver.

Sian said...

*hugs* to you hon xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Vapid Vixen said...

Years ago I lost a job because I couldn't force myself to get out of bed. So sorry you're going through this. You're not alone.

Pickleope said...

This one hits really REALLY close to home. I too suffer from a similar form of depression. It's really comforting to read someone with a similar affliction.
The waves of depression, when they hit, are debilitating but also ill-timed to the point where it's incongruous.
THANK YOU for this post. It really really helps to read about someone with what seems like the exact same form of depression I seem to have.

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