This is going to be very choppy because I'm still so emotional.

Two weeks ago his appetite started to wane.  Last week we took him to the veterinarian and he was diagnosed with hip dysplasia, heart murmur and, after blood tests, kidney failure.  The vet recommended we get some special food.  We did.  He ate for about a day and acted himself (kind of).  Our hopes were up.  Two days ago he started having blood in his stool and vomiting.  He refused to eat or drink.  He wouldn't even eat his beloved doggie treats.  He wouldn't even eat his beloved bacon.  Then I knew.  

Our neighbors two dogs saw him on the porch the other day and didn't even bark at him.  They always bark at dogs. Dogs just know.  Humans take longer.  

I stayed up with him most of last night.  I dipped my fingers in his water bowl and let it drip on his nose because I just knew his mouth had to be so dry.  He would lick his nose, probably just to appease me.  Took him out to use the bathroom and on the way back up the porch step his front leg gave out on him and my husband had to pick him up to take him back inside.  He was so weak.

He knew he was ready to go.  We knew he was ready to go.  

My boys and I said our goodbyes and my dear husband lifted him in the car and drove to the vet.  I watched the car drive away and knew that was the last time I would see him.  I couldn't see him because the rear window was too dark to see him.  He was probably laying down in the back anyway.  

An hour and fifteen minutes later my husband arrived back home.  The boys and I saw the car pull back in and I tried my hardest to look in the back just in the off hope that the vet was able to do something.  I was fooling myself.  

The boys and I huddled in the laundry room by the garage door waiting for my husband to walk in with or without our fur baby.  The boys heard his leash and got their hopes up for a second until I told them that their father had the leash when he went and would bring it back either way.  A second or so later my husband walked in and it was clear.  

My husband had been crying.  I've never seen him cry.  

We all cried together.  

I'm still crying.  

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