Santa Should Use Gift Bags

Christmas is upon us!

My oldest has been wise to the whole "Santa fib thing" for a few years; my youngest is still on the fence.  In place of being totally over the whole Santa is magical thing - he has instead employed and perfectly crafted his ninja skills in figuring out all the presents he will receive.

The first order of business with him is to feel up all the gifts to figure out what is in each box:

I could remedy this by not putting some of their gifts under the tree until Christmas morning (like I did when they were toddlers) - this will not do. Being an evil and smart ass mother, I love to taunt them.  That is why I put most of the gifts out prior to Christmas morning because I gain great pleasure in watching the boys get so excited looking at the gifts under the tree. The oldest isn't as bad as the youngest. 

Again, I will explain that my youngest doesn't *necessarily* believe, but he is at the age where he still is in love with the idea; he blocks out any words his brother tells him to negate that fact. 

To keep some of the Santa magic alive in his sweet little heart, I will leave the big ones for Santa that will be under the tree on the morning of Christmas. 

I have to be craftier and more careful than in years past. When they were toddlers to preschool age, I could just write "From Santa" on each gift tag in my own writing; now I have to go to great lengths to mask my writing lest the youngest will figure me out. My excuse the first time he noticed the handwriting resemblance, " are right, Santa and I DO have similar handwriting. The reason is, back in my day, my school had a semester of handwriting and Santa's was one of the writings we were taught".  Luckily he asked no more questions because I had nothing else to give.

Beyond that, I also have to buy special wrapping paper for all the Santa gifts. It would be totally obvious to him if Santa's gifts were wrapped in the same paper as all the other gifts; it would be non-believable to tell him that Santa forgot to have his elves wrap his gifts.  As if Santa spent time in our home tiptoeing around to find some wrapping paper. 

My son would just yell at me that..."SANTA DOES NOT HAVE TIME FOR THAT! HE HAS MILLIONS OF HOUSES TO GO TO IN A NIGHT. YOU ARE PULLING MY LEG! MY LIFE IS RUINED! **he runs out of room in tears**."  (Huge Hyperbole, Over Reaction, Over Dramatic).

This Christmas both my boys wanted angry birds plushies - my youngest asked for a red one and my oldest asked for a yellow one. I bought cute little boxes and put the plushies in there. I was certain that neither of them could figure out what is in those boxes.

Yesterday, when I took my youngest out to Target to buy his father and brother a gift, he says he wanted to get his brother an angry bird plush. I say, "no, Santa might be getting him one". To which he replies, "that tells me you got him a plush already". I say "not necessarily". A little later he says he changed his mind and wants a large red plushie. I said, "but I thought you asked for a red bird and your brother a yellow bird?" He says "no, Mom, I asked for the yellow one and he asked for the red one". The look on my face was clear. He figured out I, in fact, already bought them the angry birds plushies and mixed them up. My poker face failed - I played it cool. This left me with a decision. He'd already inventoried every gift under the tree; if I go to those two presents and switch the name tags now he is going to know for certain those contain the angry birds.  I'm left with the only choice to make and have them open the gifts as they are and then they can switch after the fact.  I pray to the sweet baby Jesus that one will not decide to be a huge turd biscuit and decide keep the one they got.  A huge fight will ensue. 

Another thing.  While we were at Target trying to figure out what to buy his brother, he decides he wants to get a video game his brother. I tell him, again, that Santa may bring him a video game. He is fully aware that I usually get him and his brother similar presents. If one gets a video game the other will too. So, the fact that I am gift blocking his present idea tells him that he DID get the video game he wanted. That is TWO presents under the tree he has figured out. He thought he had a video game under the tree by the way it felt and sounded. He now knows I am a liar skillet.

I told him it was a DVD movie to throw him off the scent. I knew I shouldn't have been so goddamned lazy and found an undescript box to wrap it in. 

What ever happened to the days of yore - when you wanted to know what you got for Christmas you snuck around and peeked in all the known hiding places? If they were wrapped you learned to pull the tape up at one side and then carefully, peek inside.  Afterwards, you taped it back down and no one was the wiser...

Kids, nowadays, use their ninja mind skills instead of antiquated fine motor skills.

That is where asking them what they want for Christmas kind of blows up in your face; that is why it is always best to pay attention to them and what they like/dislike. Find something you know they'll love but hadn't thought to request. That is easier said than done, but I *think* I did it this year. I bought my oldest a telescope (because he says he wants to be an astronomer) and I bought the youngest a Kindle and a Kindle case (because I say I want him to read). I put the Kindle in the Kindle case and wrapped it up. He now is obsessed with that gift because it matches nothing on his Christmas list. Usually he isn't this perplexed because in Christmases past all unknown gift have usually been underwear and socks and he could easily figure those out.

Now I have a couple WWE Action figure to wrap and you all know how those things are packaged. That's why they are yet to be placed under the tree. Unless I locate two boxes to wrap them in, he will know for sure what they are. The lumpy wrapping it would be if I just wrapped it as is would be a huge tip off.  Unfortunately, the only boxes I have in my home that the toys will fit in are those super sized boxes of tampons.  Yeah...I can see how that would go.  Mommy does not want to answer menstrual cycle questions on Christmas morning.

I'm half tempted to take the WWE Action Figures out the packaging and just hide them in the tree.  My family used to hide money in our tree when I was growing up.  It was great until the time they forgot and managed to put away the tree with money still hidden in it.  Months later it is remembered and we had to drag the tree back out and hunt in it for the money.  When you are five it is a fun game; when you are fourteen it stinks - like reindeer farts.  


Little Gothic Horrors said...

My 14 year old son was incessantly examining presents under the tree and cross-examining me. I felt like I was part of a criminal investigation with all the questioning and good cop/bad cop posturing. :)

Merry Christmas!

TriGirl said...

Geez. Christmas is tough work at your house! Hope it was still a great day :D

Sian said...

hahaha this is such a funny post! This is the first year my Kid gets Santa (hes 4) One of the gifts I got him was a toy story cup. I ordered online and when it arrived I quickly opened it then put it high on the book shelf. He frigging climbed the book shelf and found it. I made excuses, ridiculous excuses. I knew he would realise as soon as he opened it on Christmas day. I couldn't bare to ruin Santa the first Christmas we did it, so I bought another cup and very different one. It was sparkly with a twirly straw that came out of it. It couldnt have been more exciting unless it had flashing lights...Anyway I put it on the kitchen counter for I swear only a second! And it found it again. Son of a ...!! I gave up and just gave it him as a belated birthday present. If My kid is going to get Ninja skills like your kids, I better step up my game...

I hope you had a great Christmas hon xxx

Pickleope said...

"Santa is a Moonshiner"!?! That killed me. Because, really, it makes sense: the guy looks like a backwoods hillbilly, he lives in a remote area, and clandestinely sneaks into peoples' houses and eats their stuff. He is most likely a moonshiner.
I loved this post. You and your kids are really funny and you seem like a great mom.
By the way, we all know reindeer farts smell like rainbows, unicorn sweat, gnome lactation, and the hope of children.

Tonya the Hobo Girl said...

I am dying laughing at gnome lactation. Ha Ha Ha. Good one.

Anonymous said...

I have this great trick for knowing what I got. It's called the purchased list of my Amazon Wish List. Plus my mad ninja taping skills.

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