Pass Me the Pureed Peas Please Darling, While I Tell You a Little Story!

{NSFW Warning!}
If you are easily offended by animals and sexual assault talk just keep on moving.  
You've been warned.

Is this inappropriate or Horatian Satire?  You be the judge.

I'm a Wikipedia whore.  I love Wikipedia so.very.much.  I don't even care if anything I read may not be 100% truth.  Yes, I know that anyone can go on and edit bullshit into a Wikipedia entry.  Doesn't matter.  I get lost among the pages and the embedded links.  Next thing you know I have spent two hours skipping from page to page learning all kinds of new things.  I learn more in those two hours than I did in two years in high school.  I am not even joking.  Things I will actually retain and use. 

Let's back up and retrace my steps in learning this information:

I needed to know which animals are considered the smartest.  The reason I needed to know was because I wanted to know....there was no other good reason except for my random curiosity.

I go to Wikipedia and type "intelligence in animals".  Wikipedia changes my search to "animal cognition".  I read the entry and click on the embedded link - "mirror test".  I read that entry and learn about gauging intelligence in animals by testing which animals recognized their mirror image as being themselves and not another animal.  In that entry is a list of creatures that have passed the mirror test.  Because the name orangutan jumped out at me, I clicked it.  Whoa Nelly!  Not only did an orangutan attempt to sexually assualt the Pretty Woman but there was, in fact, an actual rape of another woman one time.  She was a cook who worked for an orangutan behavioralist (or whatever the hell they are called).  Can you even imagine? I can and it isn't pleasant.  It has to be the same feeling as almost being assaulted by Gary Busey.

I spared no extra time in actually following up on this orangutan/human attempted sexual assault scenario to find out if there is actually any truth to the story.  For all I know Gary Busey got on Wikipedia and made the whole thing up. 

The thing I also find interesting is how that is such a big moment on the orangutan wiki page.  Yet, if you go to Julia Roberts wiki page, there is no mention of it.  If she was almost sexually assaulted by a man it would be a whole section on her page with the title "Attempted Sexual Assault".  It would be a big story, but since it was an orangutan it is more embarrassing for her and taboo and too much attempted bestiality to be written down on her page.  She is America's sweetheart after all and no one wants to think of that happening to her.  If she had been almost assaulted in such a manner by a man it would be listed as a harrowing experience that she made it through and would want to tell her story so other women would know they aren't alone and even she, this big superstar, can be targeted.  She made it through.  I wonder if Ms. Roberts publicist stalks her Wiki page checking to make sure no one adds the orangutan almost sexual assault thing? 

The main point of this post wasn't to spark a debate between the difference between human vs animal sexual assault.  No, not at all.  BOTH are horrible.  HORRIBLE!  My point was to let you all know that I waste my time on Wikipedia and fill my brain with possible non-truth nonsense.  So when I am old and I can tell the nurses taking care of me in my nursing home these insane things I learned when I was young.  I will be this wacky old lady with these crazy statements coming out of her toothless mouth.  I will be so awesome when I'm old.  I won't remember my middle name but you can be certain I'll never forget the things I learned from Wikipedia.  When you are old you can say anything and it doesn't matter.  Old people don't give a fuck.  That is just one good morsel of being old to combat all the bad shit you have to go through (like pissing your pants and eating pureed food all day). 

To end this weird post, I will put these two videos (I made) of another animal against human violence.  Set to music, of course.  I didn't actually film the turkey..that was taken from a Sacramento newscaster and the video has gone viral.  Click this link if you want to see it without music because it is funny to watch even without the tunes.  I just enjoy the nonsense of listening to fitting music to funny videos.  So, yeah. 

Two versions for two different types of people:

Click this video below if you are a straight male or a stereotypical lesbian:

Click this video if you are a straight female or a stereotypical gay man:

Question of the Day - What is your opinion of Wikipedia, orangutans, Julia Roberts and old people? 

PS.  This past Wednesday marked a year when I created my first post on "Where Have all the Hobos Gone?".  I thought about creating a special post commemorating the occasion.  Started writing it out.  Blogger bitched out on me and deleted half of it for no goddamn reason, so I gave up.  I looked at it as a sign to not post anything. You are welcome.  It probably was crap anyway.  Happy Anniversary to my blog! Woohoo!

14 comments : said...

I had a roommate in college, and she looked like a younger, sexier version of Julia Roberts.

Sadly, she was a chain smoker then, and she still is now. SHE actually looks like the version of Julia Roberts who was sexually assaulted by the orangutan. Maybe she's a parallel version of JR? The 'not-so-pretty-woman' version?

Sweta said...

I love wikipedia in all the wrong ways too <3 Happy blogoversary!

TriGirl said...

I really like your musical interpretation of that video :D

As for Wikipedia, I clearly need to spend more time on there.

And finally, happy blog birthday! Blogaversary? Anyway, congrats on making it through the first year!

Ixy said...

OK, that was one of the most entertaining posts I've read in recent memory. I had no idea Wikipedia had such gems.

Pickleope said...

Happy anniversary! I love that you and I both decided to write about possible animal rape this weekend.
By the way, did the orangutan insist on kissing Julia Roberts because of that stupid no kissing rule in Pretty Woman?

Tonya the Hobo Girl said...

Idaho - Chain Smoking alternate universe Julia Roberts, interesting theory. I will co-sign that.

P - I'll go check out your animal rape post here in a bit. Funny twin wavelength thing going on. Kooky weird.

Ajax said...

Happy Day to your blog! Which I am now a follower of,....because you are pretty entertaining, thanks!

Also glad you popped in to my blog, hope you come again!

Tonya the Hobo Girl said...

Yay! Welcome new followers. Whee!

Linda Jordan said...

Wikipedia is awesome, I go there to look up pretty much everything!

Thanks for visiting my blog, in response to your comment... I got myself a little plastic bin that I grab when I grab my art journal & everything I frequently use is in there. It helps motivate me to use things other than just a pen having everything right there.

I recommend allowing responses to comments, it really helps facilitate ongoing conversations through comments :)


Lucy The Valiant said...

OMG, this is too funny and random! You made me smile :)

I actually remember reading about that researcher's cook getting assaulted...ew. If anything could be worse than being assaulted by Gary Busey, that would be it!

Sian said...

lmao you may be the funniest chick I've ever come across. Nuff said.

*types in Wikipedia...*

Anonymous said...

I think orangutans are cute. The orangutan in question would have to be pretty well-spoken and of the female variety to get me interested. That, and, you know, consent.

KSK said...

Ha! I'm not sure which video I like better! :)

Happy Blogiversary! :)

Paula said...

There is not a day that goes by without me consulting my dear wikipedia for answers...I don't care that the answers are not accurate, just that they are all on one webpage for me to read.

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