I Will Win Awards

Well...tomorrow is Halloween - the scariest time of the year and a great time to inflate my belly with sugar, chocolate and sticky sweets.  A time to throw out all candy corn that comes into my home. That stuff is the worst.

When I was little, I loved Halloween....LOVED it.  I suppose I still do - but when you get to be an adult with children (who also feel like they are too old to dress up) it kind of gets depressing.  The past few years I have dressed up anyway.  Damn it, I want to still have one time a year where I have an excuse to be a crazy lady.  All other times of the year I am still a crazy lady...but with no excuse.  I also want to use my imagination for once.  Last year I was a black cat.  Snooze.  The year before that I was a lady bug.  Double snooze.  This year I want something with a WOW factor.

So, I got to thinking and lots of ideas came to mind.  Here are some of them:

  • A Red Bull Can
  • Anthony Bourdain
  • A window with curtains (I figured saran wrap and red/white gingham fabric would be involved.  Maybe an apple pie balancing on my chest.)
  • A whorse   (slutty dressed horse costume)

Gah, this is hard!

Fuck it, I shout to myself!  I'll just pick something that is popular right now and just go out and buy it (since I'm lazy).  I love playing Angry Birds on my phone.  So I decided that's what I'll be.  See below:

Strategically placed bird face.  Is that my pecker?

For two days my plan was in place.  I was going to drive to Target and buy this costume for myself.  But then....

I gave up on that idea.  I got inspired to be imaginative again.  I thought to myself "I can meld the Angry Birds idea into something outstanding!"  So here's what I came up with:

A Misanthropic Turd's Thought Process:  "Humankind is the Worst!"

Jackpot!  Making this costume should be a breeze right?  The tough part would be trying to find a mini-toilet to hold the candies I plan to hand out.  Here's what I'd need to buy:

  1. Brown hooded sweatshirt and sweatpants
  2. Brown felt (a lighter & darker color than the clothes)
  3. Brown marker
  4. Brown makeup
  5. Mini Toilet???
  6. Toilet Paper
  7. Ear of Corn 
  8. Tootsie Rolls (to hand out to the trick or treaters)

These supplies shouldn't be more than $30 right?  I hope not, because I am cheap.

Now...I don't want you all to go out and steal my costume idea.  In order to prevent this I have come up with some other poo costumes for everyone.  They are very topical and fitting for 2011.  Enjoy....

This one is for all my Democrat friends.  Your friend or significant other could dress as "Herman Cain in the Ass".

Your friend can dress up like "Ushturd" or "Selena Poomez".

Your significant other could dress up as "Prince William of Smells" or your best girlfriend could dress up as "Poopa Middleturd"

This one is all kinds of YES!

And last but not least, this one is for all my Republican friends.
Your friend or significant other could dress as "Pee Party Supporter".

 Question:  Do you all have a Halloween costume this year? What is it?


Pass Me the Pureed Peas Please Darling, While I Tell You a Little Story!

{NSFW Warning!}
If you are easily offended by animals and sexual assault talk just keep on moving.  
You've been warned.

Is this inappropriate or Horatian Satire?  You be the judge.

I'm a Wikipedia whore.  I love Wikipedia so.very.much.  I don't even care if anything I read may not be 100% truth.  Yes, I know that anyone can go on and edit bullshit into a Wikipedia entry.  Doesn't matter.  I get lost among the pages and the embedded links.  Next thing you know I have spent two hours skipping from page to page learning all kinds of new things.  I learn more in those two hours than I did in two years in high school.  I am not even joking.  Things I will actually retain and use. 

Let's back up and retrace my steps in learning this information:

I needed to know which animals are considered the smartest.  The reason I needed to know was because I wanted to know....there was no other good reason except for my random curiosity.

I go to Wikipedia and type "intelligence in animals".  Wikipedia changes my search to "animal cognition".  I read the entry and click on the embedded link - "mirror test".  I read that entry and learn about gauging intelligence in animals by testing which animals recognized their mirror image as being themselves and not another animal.  In that entry is a list of creatures that have passed the mirror test.  Because the name orangutan jumped out at me, I clicked it.  Whoa Nelly!  Not only did an orangutan attempt to sexually assualt the Pretty Woman but there was, in fact, an actual rape of another woman one time.  She was a cook who worked for an orangutan behavioralist (or whatever the hell they are called).  Can you even imagine? I can and it isn't pleasant.  It has to be the same feeling as almost being assaulted by Gary Busey.

I spared no extra time in actually following up on this orangutan/human attempted sexual assault scenario to find out if there is actually any truth to the story.  For all I know Gary Busey got on Wikipedia and made the whole thing up. 

The thing I also find interesting is how that is such a big moment on the orangutan wiki page.  Yet, if you go to Julia Roberts wiki page, there is no mention of it.  If she was almost sexually assaulted by a man it would be a whole section on her page with the title "Attempted Sexual Assault".  It would be a big story, but since it was an orangutan it is more embarrassing for her and taboo and too much attempted bestiality to be written down on her page.  She is America's sweetheart after all and no one wants to think of that happening to her.  If she had been almost assaulted in such a manner by a man it would be listed as a harrowing experience that she made it through and would want to tell her story so other women would know they aren't alone and even she, this big superstar, can be targeted.  She made it through.  I wonder if Ms. Roberts publicist stalks her Wiki page checking to make sure no one adds the orangutan almost sexual assault thing? 

The main point of this post wasn't to spark a debate between the difference between human vs animal sexual assault.  No, not at all.  BOTH are horrible.  HORRIBLE!  My point was to let you all know that I waste my time on Wikipedia and fill my brain with possible non-truth nonsense.  So when I am old and I can tell the nurses taking care of me in my nursing home these insane things I learned when I was young.  I will be this wacky old lady with these crazy statements coming out of her toothless mouth.  I will be so awesome when I'm old.  I won't remember my middle name but you can be certain I'll never forget the things I learned from Wikipedia.  When you are old you can say anything and it doesn't matter.  Old people don't give a fuck.  That is just one good morsel of being old to combat all the bad shit you have to go through (like pissing your pants and eating pureed food all day). 

To end this weird post, I will put these two videos (I made) of another animal against human violence.  Set to music, of course.  I didn't actually film the turkey..that was taken from a Sacramento newscaster and the video has gone viral.  Click this link if you want to see it without music because it is funny to watch even without the tunes.  I just enjoy the nonsense of listening to fitting music to funny videos.  So, yeah. 

Two versions for two different types of people:

Click this video below if you are a straight male or a stereotypical lesbian:

Click this video if you are a straight female or a stereotypical gay man:

Question of the Day - What is your opinion of Wikipedia, orangutans, Julia Roberts and old people? 

PS.  This past Wednesday marked a year when I created my first post on "Where Have all the Hobos Gone?".  I thought about creating a special post commemorating the occasion.  Started writing it out.  Blogger bitched out on me and deleted half of it for no goddamn reason, so I gave up.  I looked at it as a sign to not post anything. You are welcome.  It probably was crap anyway.  Happy Anniversary to my blog! Woohoo!

Things I Highly Recommend That I Hardly Ever Use

So here are some things I highly recommend but don't use....much.


I bought this last year after all the rave reviews I read online.  It came in the mail and I was ecstatic.  I charged it up and went to town on my face.  It made my face feel tingly and so clean.  I immediately decided it would be a part of my daily facial routine.  (I then reminded myself to create a daily facial routine.)  This past year I have used this thing, probably, oh, eight times?  And six of those times were the first month I got it.  I imagine if it came with other attachments I would be more, ahem, inclined to use it.....all the time. I know you know what I'm talking about.

Instead of using it all the time, I use a facial scrub once a week - maybe. 

Water, my hands and St. Ives Apricot Scrub

For the home

My dear husband bought me one of these digital photo frames for Christmas.  I was elated and had big dreams of downloading a bunch of gorgeous pictures and having a running slide show that I could show off whenever people came over.  A year later I finally took it out of the box and plugged it in and placed it on a corner table in our living room.  Six months after that, it still sits there with a black screen because it isn't plugged in because I haven't gotten around to buying a memory card it needs to get all those photos uploaded to the thing.

Instead of having a neat and innovative way to show off all my collection of photos, I have a bunch of large collage photo frames hanging on different walls in my home.  Those frames are filled with random pictures that I will never change out, ever.


I bought this for myself about five months ago.  I have used it a couple times to draw my blog pictures.  It is a cool and neat thing to use and has cute applications that come with it.  The bad part is that I can't get used to holding the pen stylus and creating anything with it.  I've read from people that it takes time and practice and patience.  Hmph.

Instead, I still use my Mac Paintbrush on my computer which always makes my wrist hurt and arm hurt.  But I know how Paintbrush works and it is easy to use so I just go with it and don't try to do it differently.


Oh boy.  I bought a NordicTrack treadmill probably five or more years ago with hopes of using it to get in shape instead of joining a gym.  I envisioned myself so fit after using it for a few months.  Since then this thing has gotten little use other then holding dirty clothes and gathering dust.

Instead, when I feel like I need to work out, I just park further away at work in order to get some extra steps in and assuring myself at least I am doing something other than sitting on my ass all day.

For the kitchen
("dutch oven" - snickers uncontrollably)

This cookware is AMAZING and GORGEOUS.  My husband bought me my first piece a couple Christmases ago.  You'd think he bought me a brand new sports car the way I reacted.  You could see the little thought bubble above my head with a cartoon me cooking up elaborate and delicious meals with my husband and boys sitting there with their tongues hanging out anxiously awaiting a plate of the treasures they are about to behold.  I cooked in it three times.  You see, I worry constantly that I am going to break the thing or ruin it by not cleaning it fast enough or using the wrong cleaning tool on it.  I have delegated it as a showpiece in my kitchen on top of one of my upper cabinets.  I have matched my kitchen colors to it.

Instead when I need to fix a dish that one would normally use a dutch oven for, I power up my Slow Cooker and I lower my expectations.


This thing works and it is so great.  But because now I have less carpet and more hardwood flooring, my upright Dyson is sitting in my hall closet all lonely-like.  Poor thing.  If I wasn't such a lazy person who cleaned her house like she should I would use it more often.  Instead, if I see dog hair or anything else I need to vacuum up, I  get my handheld vac and use that instead of my upright vacuum.  Or if I were being honest I let the dog hair sit for a few days until I can stand to look it no longer and get up and pull out a lint roller and call my kids into the room.  I tell one to lint roll the dog hair off the furniture and I tell the other one to pick up any stray hair he sees clumped on the carpet.  Meanwhile, I take the easy job of using my handheld vac.  Yes, that's what really happens mostly.  Having said all that, I still highly recommend all Dyson products.  That's why this is on the list. 

Again these are the things I actually use most of the time,
Handheld vacuum, Lint Roller and Child Labor.

For the Home Office

After our old crappy little paper shredder broke last year, we went out and bought a shredder that could handle more papers and shit (not that kind).  A shredder that would allow us to be lazier and stuff thicker things in there instead of having to rip open mail and pull things out that couldn't go through the shredder.  Hmm, that may or may not be the reason we broke the old one.  This industrial strength shredder really gets the job done. I love it!  And I'd love it even more....if I used it.

Instead, I let all the junk mail and old bills that I've paid accumulate on the counter until I can stand it no longer.  By that time I have collected so much I have to throw it in a grocery plastic bag.  Then I notice months later that I have collected so many plastic bags full of junk mail that the thought of shredding each thing is too daunting.  Instead, I daydream of telling my husband to buy a big metal drum and go out back and burn everything.  In my daydream, burning trash is not environmentally unfriendly.  Instead the pollutable smoke travels up in the sky and accumulates in rain clouds.  The clouds then rain down and up from the ground sprouts candy.  Yeah, that would be cool. 

Picture Source

For the gardener lover

I don't actually own the gardener kit above but I can imagine myself buying one on a whim and loving it.  Then I bring it home and change into a pair of clamdigger pants, cute top, flip flops and a big floppy hat.  I go outside all ready to make my front yard beautiful and inviting.  I buy it even though I have bought all the items contained in it separately and they are strewn about in my garage where I know I'll never find them when I need them.

Instead what I do is I use my hands.  I pull weeds after I notice them when going outside to get the newspaper while wearing my pajama pants.  I'm almost always barefoot when I do this.  I don't look near as cute as I wish I did.

For the holidays

There's nothing better than a beautiful front porch all decorated up with seasonal decorations.  It really shows you have holiday spirit and we all know that having holiday spirit equals having a great life.  Halloween season, for example, I always think about going out of my way and buying all kinds of cute pumpkin decorations and corn stalks and a bunch of pumpkins in different sizes.  In fact, I have a whole closet downstairs in my basement filled with long forgotten and never used Halloween decorations.  A large fake pumpkin you plug into the outside electrical outlet.  A gust of wind comes by and knocks the bastard over and I have to go out and place it back where it was.  Or a scarecrow on a stick that I pierce into the ground only to find it the next morning laying on its side and half its straw head has been chewed off by the neighborhood cat.

Instead what always happens is I make my husband buy a bale of hay somewhere and a pumpkin at the grocery store.  Once I have those two items I open the front door and step out on my porch.  I place the bale of hay on the porch and I place the pumpkin on top of the bale of hay.  There, I've showed my holiday spirit, damn it!

I will also admit that I don't know where my husband purchases a bale of hay.  He just gets one and I don't ask questions.  For all I know he has parked on the side of the road and trespassed onto a local farm and stolen one.  Blissfully ignorant.  I ask and I receive.  He's good like that.

Question:  Do any of you have any items you love but never really use?

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