There are Ticks in Them Thar Cornstalks

When I was younger I had no problems with insects, spiders or any other bug-like creatures.  In fact, there were days I would roam around outside and pick these things up and play with them.  At what point, though, I became scared and disgusted and irritated by bugs I am not quite certain.  If I were to bet, I would say it was the time an asshole neighborhood boy decided to chase after me with a worm and spider and threatened to throw them on my head.  Yes, that was probably it. 

I'd like to introduce you to the five worst creepy crawlers who star in the movie that is my life.

1.  A Housefly

Housefly's are gross little bastards.  They buzz around my head and land in my food and make disgusting little deposits onto that food.  They only live a few days from what I understand and they pick their final resting place to be my window sills.

2.  A Mosquito

Mosquitos love my body, they think my body is a wonderland.  My blood is their cotton candy.  I hate those mother fuckers.  I would die of malaria in two seconds if I dared to travel anywhere where malaria was a problem. 

3.  A Worm

My mother loved to fish.  I know she secretly hoped that I would share her love of fishing including picking out night crawlers, baiting the hook, touching the fish and then cleaning the caught fish. I hates all of those things.  I refuse to like anything with a nickname of "night crawler".  What the hell?!  Out in nature with a night crawler just sounds like a plot to a really awful Wes Craven college thesis film.  Worms are disgusting to me.  I know they serve a purpose in our ecosystem and that's fine.  I just don't want to touch them.  I like to let them be and do their natural job in the soil.  That's why I don't garden.  When I try to garden,  I inevitably unearth one or two earthworms and want to do a combination gag/cry.

4.  Spiders

I.Hate.Spiders.  Oh my god, do I hate spiders.  There are so many reasons but the first reason is because of the way they scurry about.  Second is because of the webs they weave that I always end up walking into.  Thereby enabling me freaked out for the remainder of the day.  Every involuntary muscle twitch is a spider that is crawling all over me.  The worst experience ever was a few years ago I was about to walk out my front door and wasn't paying attention...until the last minute.  I was one second away from walking into a full spider web that covered the entire front door.  Complete with caught insects and a huge fucking black spider.  Frigging panicked is an understatement.  I wanted to go straight to bed and not wake up for a full week.  Had I had drugs to calm me down those things would have been ingested with the quickness.  On a side note, did you know there are spiders called Hobo Spiders?  Even those types can go to hell. 

5.  TICKS!

Ticks are horrible where I live.  They terrorize everyone by hiding in grass or dropping from trees.  When you least expect them there they are crawling up your arm or digging themselves into your scalp only to be found later while showering.  You feel them and think you have a pimple but soon learn it isn't a pimple at all.  Like mosquitos they also feed on blood but unlike mosquitos they don't feed and leave.  They set up camp.  Greedy little bastards.  These things are the worst insects ever in my opinion.  I have no clue what purpose they serve in the ecosystem either.  I am sure some people would argue their benefits.  I don't want to hear it.  I want to believe these things are pets of Satan.  

When I was little I was friends with this little girl who lived out in the country part of town.  I lived in a country area as well but my house was more "in town" than where she lived.  I spent the night with her on many occasions and we would play outside and be all happy then retire to bed in her home.  One night her and her little sister were sitting in bed (along with me) and I noticed they were picking at their hair.  Pretty soon I look down at the bedspread and those two girls had managed to pick out about twenty ticks each.  I am not even joking.  I shit you not.  I never stayed the night at her house again.  Now that I think about it those two girls also always got sent home from school on the days the nurse did a lice check.  She ended up blaming me for keeping the door open on her hamster cage and the hamster ran away.  I did not do this and she knows this.  To this day it pisses me off to think about it.  Where the hamster ran off to I cannot say, but the thing probably wanted to get away from all the ticks and lice in that home.  I don't blame it.

Closeup of the Escaping Hamster.

Even our President is on the same page about bugs...


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