Farts & Crafts - Picture Frame Trio

I got crafty y'all!  I made my own picture frame trio with a back ribbon made from the back stands of each frame and coordinating flowers that match the color of my kitchen/dining room (rusty orange).

First, I bought three picture frames from the store for $2.67 each.  The frames were 4"6" and were very light weight.  I also purchased the faux flowers from Michael's Craft store for $.99 each.  

I prepared three photographs that I took myself while on vacation and ran them through the online Picnik photo editor.  I used the sepia toned effect but adjusted the sepia color so it was more orange.   I then just sent them to a one hour photo at a local drugstore and picked them up when I picked up a prescription for the hubby.

To begin I turned each of the picture frames over and cut off the back stands and set the frames aside.

I then placed a line of hot glue at each end of two of the back stands.  Place those stands on the back middle of all of the picture frames.  The last back stand will only be glued at the bottom and placed at the back of the top picture frame. The very top will be where you nail it into the wall.

Next, I took three of the silk flowers and pulled off the stems.  Then I disassembled the entire flower.

Next, I cut off the tubing so the entire flower layed flat when it was hot glued onto the back stands.

Next, I hot glued the flower back together and then hot glued the flower on the middle of each back stand.

Lastly, I found a wall and nailed that mother sucker up!  

Difficulty level:  Any monkey with a craft store near it can perform this project.

Total Cost of Entire Project:  
Three Picture Frames - $8.00
Three Faux Flowers - $3.00
Printing out three photos - $.67

Total:  $11.67 

I like using hot glue on things, it is such a great stress reliever.  Those times when I get so stressed out I want to explode, I should carry around a glue gun and spare glue sticks.  

Do you think outside the box when you want to relieve stress? 

To Honk or Not to Honk, That is the Question

In general, I am not a horn honker.  It takes an extreme situation to make me honk my car horn at someone.  The last time I honked my car horn at someone, I can't even recall.  In fact, the sound it makes is foreign to me. 

Friday after work, I promised my husband and boys that I would pick up dinner for them at Chick-fil-a.  As I was pulling in to go through the drive-thru, I had to stop behind this guy in a pickup truck.  At first I thought he was stopped because the drive-thru line was wrapped around the building.  Upon further review, I realized he was actually waiting on two women who just got to their car.  The car they were waiting on happened to be near one of the entrances to the restaurant.  There was no way around him and I was stuck behind him at his mercy until he decided what the hell he was going to do.  What he was going to do was sit there and take his sweet time and wait for those two women to load both of their babies into the back seat of their car.  As a mother I know how long it takes to load a baby into a car.  Him, being a guy, he may not have any extensive knowledge of loading kids into cars, but I can't imagine he is so stupid he doesn't know how long it is going to take.  Further, I notice he has a woman sitting next to him in the pickup truck.  Even if he wasn't privy to the timeframe of loading chirruns into vehicles, I am quite certain anyone of the female variety would know of such a thing and advise their companion of this.  To make matters worse...or better yet further frustrating, is the fact that two parking spots over is an empty space!!!!!!!  He could have just drove into that spot and already be in the restaurant ordering his chicken nuggets.

Below is a crude diagram of the scene of the crime against me. 
Do you see the car of people (shown as X's) loading their babies in?  Do you see the empty parking spots two over and not far from the entrance and certainly "do-able" to walk rather than waiting until the occupied spot is open?  In addition, there is a whole other entrance he could have used and MORE empty spaces close to that one!

NO, instead he was going to wait on these ladies and their baby loading actions.  It appears the ladies are in no hurry to remove themselves from this tense situation.  Perhaps they were aware of how big of an ass he is being and decide to punish him?  However, punishing him is punishing me.  

I know that dude knows of my presence behind him, yet I have no option other than to wait.  If I were in his position I would have felt obligated to do something opposite of what he has decided to do.  I obviously have time to think about his motives.  Is he doing this to impress his lady friend and show his chivalrous side and providing her with a close spot so her precious feet do not have to walk very far?  It IS blazing hot outside so, heaven forbid, it take her five extra seconds to get into an air conditioned establishment.  FIVE EXTRA SECONDS!  

Yet, there I sat, instead of honking my horn - because I don't honk my horn in these types of situations.  Honking my horn in this situation will alert this man that I am not pleased with what he is doing and he should kindly move aside.  I imagine if I honk my horn, this man will not see the error of his ways but be affronted at my boldness and give me the finger or, worse, get out of his truck and sass me. Avoiding confrontation is what I do best.

So I sit...steaming at the ears.  An uncomfortable amount of time passes and I have had it - I. Take. Action.  No, I don't honk my horn - I put my car in reverse and pull back out the way I came in.  I make sure to rev my engine in hopes that this dude realizes there is an irate person behind him.  Me revving my engine is my "Fuck You", "I won't honk my horn at you, asshole, and tell you I want you to move.  Instead, I will rev my engine and peel out of the parking lot alerting you that a person just left because of your assinine behavior".

I get as far as the stop light and remember my family really wants Chick-fil-a for dinner, so I turn around with my car bumper between my legs and attempt this over again.  By the time I am back to the drive-thru entrance, the pickup truck man and his princess girlfriend have arrived in their coveted parking spot.  I am sure both achieved a highly pleasant orgasm as they pulled in.  With smiles on their faces they walk up to the door as I am pulling around the drive-thru.  I drive slowly in hopes either (or both) of them look over and see my bitch scowl.  That'll show them

Ordering of the dinner then happens and I can't stop thinking about the whole situation.  As I am waiting to pull up to the drive-thru window, I daydream about different scenarios I can get back at him.  I think about parking and going in and giving him a piece of my mind and scream at him, "how dare you not think of other people behind you!"  I fantasize of slashing his tires while he and his lady sit in the restaurant licking the chicken grease off their grubby fingers.  My daydream bubble bursts because Hobo Girl's conscience - Mr. Dragon - appears and lectures her that she should be ashamed of harboring such a thought.  Mr. Dragon Conscience reminds Hobo Girl of the guilt she will feel if she were to treat others property in such a deplorable manner.  Mr. Dragon then wraps up the lecture with a "Besides, it's broad daylight, are you insane?  People will see you".

Hmph.  Finally I pull out of Chick-fil-a with the food and get to the stop light to go home.  The light is red and since I am needing to make a left turn I have to wait on a green turn arrow.  The green turn arrow appears.....but the truck in front of me is not moving!! 'AHHHHHHHHH, FUCK, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!".  My tolerance already has been tested, beaten and laid out to dry.  I can't believe I am going to do this.. I HONK MY HORN! Oh that felt good!  I can't believe I was so opposed to this before?  What a cathartic feeling!  Never again will I be timid in honking my car horn at people.  From this day on I will honk my horn at the slightest grievances against me during my road travels.  People will think of me as a bitchin NYC cab driver-type when they are in the car with me. 

 *Daydream over*  Why isn't this guy moving?  I honked my horn, dammit!  Are you kidding me right now?  He heard me I know he did...is he toying with me too?  The green arrow is going to be gone and I will still be here behind him! *Panic and hate surges through my body*.

Then it hits me, maybe it's me and not him?  

Sure enough, I check and I am in the straight through lane and not the left turn lane.  The guy in front me did nothing wrong and is minding his own business waiting on a green light to cross both sides traffic to get to the other side.   Poor guy has to deal with some insane woman behind him honking her horn for no damn reason

Embarrassed, I pull over to the left which, by that time, I have missed the green turn arrow and now have to wait on the red light.  The guy is to my right (probably giving me a hate look). Staring straight ahead and never looking over, I wait on the light and pray that it hurries up.  His light, thankfully, turns green and he goes on his merry, if not weirded out, way.  

Meanwhile, I sit in my car in the left turn lane and still wait on the red light to change.  All the while thinking to myself,  "I will never honk a car horn again, under any circumstance."

Would you have honked your horn at the Chick-fil-a pickup truck dude? 

More Than One Way to Skin a Cat

During my IKEA adventure on Friday, I purchased a 6-drawer chest for my closet.  (Now when I need a pair of my lady drawers, i.e. panties, I can just go in my closet and get a pair rather than walk out into our bedroom to the other chest of drawers.  Avoiding the possibility of accidentally flashing and scarring for life one or both of my adolescent sons).

Here is what I purchased:

In my family, I am the furniture put togetherer.  My dear husband, God love him, has zero patience when assembling pre-made furniture.  If it were up to him he would dump out all the contents of the box, throw away the directions and just go at it.  Ending in a piece of furniture that wobbles, the drawers don't shut correctly and a ton of leftover screws and nails that I know were not extras provided by the company.

The responsibility of putting together this stuff falls on me because (I insist) I am meticulous and careful and anal a perfectionist.  Below, I will show you how I assembled the item with opposing instructions on how the husband would have done it.  

In the box, in our bedroom
The box is opened.  Those are my knees and they look like two Siamese twins joined at the at the hips and their mother laid them down with their butts in the air. Or maybe not.
My way: All items are removed and organized by type.

Husband's way: All items are removed and strewn about according to the way they fell out of the box.

Item Chaos

My way:  All hardware is separated according to type.  All hardware is counted and accounted for prior to assembling the product.

Husband's way:  All hardware remains in the bags until he thinks he'll need something.

Hardware Chaos

My way:  I read through every step in the instructions and understand the begin to end process prior to assembling.  (Although I disregard the tip to have another person assist when assembling.  Pshaw).

Husband's way:  
"There were instructions?  I thought it was the warranty information."

My way:  Prior to starting to assemble the first section, I get my tool ready and all the hardware I will need for that step.

Husband's way:  Takes the screwdriver and one piece of hardware and locates the pre-drilled hole and starts screwing (crafty sexual innuendo).

My way:  I put together the frame and nail in the backboard.  Before placing nails, I measure each space so I will know that I have the same amount of nails hammered into the board as the instructions indicate.

Husband's way:  He just starts nailing them in.  Some nails are closer to each other and some nails are miles apart.  In the end, the backboard is on but there are big spaces that will end up driving his wife bat shit crazy.

My way:  Once the frame is put together, I set it up and make sure everything looks right and it does not wobble.

Husband's way: He doesn't do this, he doesn't have time for this nonsense.  He continues to complete it.

My way:  I check to see what items I have left to build.  I also include one son so I can use this project as a lesson for him on how to put together items correctly so his future wife will be pleased with his furniture assembling techniques.  She will be so grateful to my foresight in teaching him this that she will take care of me when I am elderly and gladly change my adult diapers.  But I digress.

Husband's way:  He doesn't stop and look at what is left to do.  He charges on...

My way:  I assemble one drawer first and then slide it in to make sure I have assembled the roller mechanism correctly.

Husband's way:  He assembles all drawers all at once and does not check to see if he assembled them correctly.

My way:  After assembling all drawers, I put them in and make sure all drawers fit nicely.

Husband's way:  He doesn't do this until after he moves it to the closet where he will find out one or more drawers do not fit.  Then he has to take it back out of the cramped final location and back into the bedroom where he has to backtrack to figure out where his drawer assembling went wrong.

The final product in the closet.  
This is how it looked after I assembled it:

The final product in the closet as husband would have assembled it:

If you hadn't noticed, his cabinet turned out the same as mine.  Granted there might be a few nails and screws missing and the drawers might not be exactly correctly assembled but they do pull in and out just fine.

This leads to the final stats of HIM vs ME in furniture assembling.

Same end conclusion.  The difference is the time saving statistics.  

The exact time when I began building: 
12:13 PM

The exact time when I finished building: 
4:56 PM

Yes, I listen to the Glee Channel on Pandora when I do any kind of manual labor.  Don't judge me!
Total time it took me:  
Approximately 4 hours and 45 minutes.  
Other tasks I completed during that time:  I had lunch.

Husband's Begin Time:  
12:13 PM

Husband's End Time: 
1:13 PM

Total time:  1 hour (or 60 minutes).  
Other tasks he completed during the time it took me to put the same piece of furniture together:  He mowed our 2 acre lawn, he ran the weed eater and he trimmed some bushes.  He also took a shower.

Conclusion:  It took me over 3 hours longer to do the same thing he accomplished and mine is only a slightly better version.

(my son's future wife will, in fact, not be grateful to me but annoyed that her husband takes forever to do one task and is not available to do all her other "honey do" items.  To retaliate against me she will insist I be put into a nursing home and some stranger change my adult diapers.)

In the end, I guess I am the one who has the problem

Swedish Meatballs with Dingleberry Sauce

On Friday the family and I took a short trip up to Cincinnati. Why did we drive two hours to Cincy you ask? Did you go to an amusement park or a cool museum? That would be no. I made my husband and two sons drive me to the closest IKEA store!

Picture Source
Some women love to shop for clothes, for shoes, for handbags.  Me..I love shopping for housewares.  Most husbands would be put in the doghouse for buying their wife a vacuum cleaner for her birthday.  I ask my husband to please not buy me jewelry but rather something for our house. 

Elation was my middle name when I found out I was going to get to travel to IKEA. I have never been to one before and have always wanted to go.  Usually I have to satisfy my houseware shopping cravings by visiting Bed, Bath and Beyond.  It isn't the same as a Home Superstore like IKEA, though.

We arrive and then walk in the front door and I swear I can hear angels sing, I am in heaven.  For anyone who has walked into an IKEA should already know the layout but for those who don't, I'll explain.  The whole store layout is planned by a genius.  You start off upstairs at the cafe where you can eat a traditional Swedish lunch.  Then you grab a cool IKEA shopping bag and cart and you are on your way.  Every department leads into another.  For the next hour or two, you visit the kids furniture department, the bedroom store, the kitchen store, and then you head downstairs through lighting and rugs.  All the while you have a tiny pencil and shopping list paper where you write down the items you want to buy that you will have to pick up in the self serve large item storage room (huge room).  You locate the aisle number and bin number and then take a rolling cart for large items and pick up your furniture box.  From there, it leads to the checkout lanes.  Once you checkout, you then can shop at the small grocery and buy all the Swedish food items you want.  

We spent three hours there and I couldn't have been happier.  I really could have spent five hours there I think.  The recreated rooms were so interesting to walk through...my favorite part for sure.  I showed restraint on my purchases even though we did take my husband's pickup truck and I could have bought quite a few large items.  In the end, I only purchased one piece of furniture and a bunch of small home decorating items - along with a cooler full of frozen and packaged foods.  

Here is my IKEA bounty ..

Frozen Swedish Meatballs, Mashed Potatoes, Au Gratin Potatoes, Lingonberry Jam (my husband nicknamed it Dingleberry jam), Organic Swedish Coffee, and Meatball Cream Sauce.

Apart from the food and the home decor items I bought, I also purchased a closet wardrobe cabinet.  I really liked it when I saw it in the store because it had a place at the top for jewelry along with two thin drawers and four larger drawers.  Currently, I house my jewelry in a drawer by my bathroom sink and I always have a tough time because my necklaces get all kinked up.  With this wardrobe my necklaces can now stretch out their legs and I don't have to spend ten minutes untangling them every time I want to wear them.

I am so proud of my man and boys who hung in there with me the entire time.  As bored as they got they realized how much fun I was having and let me have my time with minimal whining on their part.

The next post will be the adventure of putting together the wardrobe chest I bought.  Stay tuned..

The Difference Between Male and Female Cows

This duck is either showing me her duck ass in retaliation or presenting to me her magnificent plumage. Keep reading to find out why a duck would want to retaliate against me.

The family and I went fishing today because the boys wanted to and so did my husband.  Since hubby couldn't drive because he hasn't been cleared yet that meant that I also had to go.  It being the hottest day of the year here in Kentuckiana it makes sense that we would choose this day to go (sarcasm).  It's humid as monkey balls sweat.  To pass time I took pictures because I need to get practice on this fancy camera that was gifted to me for Christmas.  Practice makes perfect and I need it, for certain.

So this is where I share todays photos because I have nothing to contribute about the fishing experience.  That's not entirely true - I can share that I attempted to cast out and in doing so I lost three worms.  Three worms weren't lost to the fish, mind you, but they were thrown off the hook when I haphazardly cast off and hit a tree...a pond weed....a duck.  The duck was not hurt but did give me a bitch face for the remainder of the afternoon. 

Lilypad Pond2

Lilypad Pond Flower3

Pond Ducks

My oldest son, Prince Wills, called the cat tails - Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo Sticks.  Quite inventive.

Lilypad Pond Hot Dog
Lilypad Pond

Pond Duck Scenery

On the way home we passed a pasture of cows and Baby Burns yips yaps to us about cows.  Here's how it went down (a transcript):

Baby Burns:  
Mommy, do you know how to tell the difference between male and female cows?

Nope, tell me.

Baby Burns:  
The males are horny.


Welcome to the World, Harper Seven Beckham!

Yesterday morning in a hospital room in Los Angeles, Victoria and David Beckham welcomed a little baby girl into their family.

In the same hospital two doors down another couple welcome their baby into the world.

Please note: I don't have any clue if Becks wears the #7 on his soccer uniform.

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