Ten things I say to my kids



1. When they have the hiccups: 

"Hold your breath!"

2. When they get in a sneezing fit:

"Blow your nose!"

3. When they spill food on their lap when eating"

"Damn it Boys! Hells Bells, how many times have I told you about this?!" "My darling boys, please eat over your plate so your food won't fall onto my kitchen chairs that have a cream colored microfibery fabric on them and it is really hard for Mommy to keep them clean when you drop staining foods on them. I love you all to pieces by the way!"

4. When they are throwing up: 

"Spit when you think you are done puking, then rinse your mouth"

5. When they are taking medicine

"After you drink down the medicine, chase it with this water"

6. When they have their shirt on backwards 

"Your shirt is on backwards"

7. When it is time to eat

"Wash your hands....with soap....and water"

8. After they use the bathroom 

"Wash your hands...with soap...and water...AFTER you flush the toilet"

9. When they were supposed to have brushed their teeth and I know they didn't but they swear they did 

"Bring me your toothbrush so I can see if it is wet and smells like toothpaste, oh just forget it...breathe in my face so I can smell your breath"

10. Every day

"Stop it, Don't, Quit fighting, Do as I say, Did you fart?, Where's the dog?, Did you hear me?, "They just passed a law where it's okay to hug your mother", "Skid marks should be on asphalt and not your underwear!", "If anyone asks if your mother fixed you a healthy breakfast tell them yes even though I only served you frozen waffles. (They were blueberry)"., "No, you aren't allowed to hang from the doors and quit asking dad because he will just tell you to ask me"., "Didn't I just write out a check for your school lunch yesterday, are you eating filet mignon?", "Ask your father".

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