Ms. Katherine Haggle, Reporting for Duty

Renting a car is fucking stressful and expensive. The baseline price + taxes + fees = giving up my kidney on the black market.

Never in my life have I ever used a travel haggle website so I was a little nervous over the uncertainty.

I want to have a decent vehicle to travel in for the five plus days of our Texas road trip but don't want to pay over $400 damn shells. If I have to pay for an economy or compact I'll cry...seriously...I'll weep like a Nicholas Sparks junkie.

I take the bull by the horns and march over to Shatner's lair.

I want a mid size SUV goddammit. The number I choose seems like a decent haggle price until I get this nice message taunting me for my choice:

Fuck!  Now I am really anxious.  I take a step back and think to myself "what should I do?  Shatner is the God of all, so surely I should listen.".

No, I will be strong.  If Shatner nixes my offer, so be it, I am no worse off than I was before.  Who cares if I only have six days to get my family a rental car.

I click SUBMIT.  Pretend you hear the music from Love Story.  That will make you understand how I am feeling during this website haggling.

Good ole Henry Mancini.

All right.  I am brave enough now to go back to Shatner-land and see if my offer was accepted.

Teeth chattering in nervousness, bladder full of pee.

FUCKIN A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My feelings cannot be put into words at this moment.  Instead, press play on the next video and you will feel my jubilation.

You can thank me later for the Alexander Skarsgaard hotness.

My price is over $180 cheaper than if I would have booked it through Orbitz or Travelocity or the Rental Car places themselves.  I wonder if my early years practicing as a travel agent prepared me for this day?

Taxes & Fees can take a direct trip to Hell's Hell.  It's ridiculous that the T&F's are as much as the base price, but, what-the-fuck-ever.  I still feel like I scored a home run, a perfect 300 game, an Oscar win at 20 years old for portraying Stephanie Zinnone from Grease 2-The Remake, a "You are so stunningly beautiful" compliment from Brad Pitt while Angelina is standing right there looking all skinny and veiny. You get the picture.

If any of you hookerfaces like to burst bubbles and want to tell me that I am naive and really the "deal" I got was not that great, then I kindly sneer in your direction and wish you bodily harm.  Keep it to yourself, please and thanks.  Saying such vitriol will only bring your early demise.

Jumping for joy.

Mucho amor a SeƱor Shatner. 


NOOOOOO! Terlet Stools

Stop the insanity. Avant Garde? Modern. To each their own. But NOT in white. If I wanted people to see me sit on a toilet I'd open up my bathroom for tours.

I blame American Idol...always.

Florence Nightgown

When I was a little girl I was an only child and only had a few friends who lived in my neighborhood.  So as you can imagine there were many times that I had to keep myself entertained.  We had a television but my grandmother (who lived with us) kept the TV on her game shows and soap operas most of the day.  Oh and Murder She Wrote..always Murder She Wrote.

Pretend play was by far the easiest way to keep myself entertained.  I sometimes would read a book but honestly I preferred to make up my own stories and not read someone else's.  My collection of barbie dolls weren't just dolls, they were communities and families.  

Each time I'd pull them out I would create a couple families and each family had their own "story".  I went so far as to even write their stories out on paper.  For example, The Lawson Family consisted of Paul (Beach Ken), his wife Claire (Dee Dee from Barbie & the Rockers) and their twins Fiona and Frankie (two he/she cheap miniature baby dolls).  Paul worked at the local lumber mill and Claire was a stay at home mom to the twins.  She loved canning food and sharing with her neighbors.  Fiona was a gymnastics ingenue who needed an attitude adjustment while Frankie was a lover and not a fighter.  He loved his own boogers.

The next day I would start all over again and new families were created.  
Aside from that, I also loved to create adult pretend jobs for myself.  

Like a Waitress - Ms. Patty Pancakes

I would take my grandma's lunch order.  I'd tell her the specials (peanut butter & jelly, meatloaf & gravy or banana split).  I'd write down her order and then scurry off to my little mini-kitchen.  Sometimes she'd actually let me make her a real sandwich but most of the time I improvised.  I had plastic foods I could use but preferred to create my own food.

Play dough was a main ingredient and sometimes dish sponges.  Other times I would just draw on a piece of paper the food I would be serving.  I also loved to create the menus.  I never did anything half assed you see.

Or a Nurse - Florence Nightgown

Everyone's bedroom in my house was used as a patient's room.  My dolls and stuffed animals were the patients.   I would give them shots using a ball point pen.  I would use some form of tape as band aids.  This was after I used up a whole box of real band aids and my mom scolded me.  

My beloved stuffed Popple was in my ICU with a head concussion from a bar brawl with a Care Bear. (Birthday Bear was a drunk bastard). I'd wrap my Popple patient's head using socks as bandages.  If they were old socks I would color the ends in red marker to resemble blood.

My nursing skills were world renowned and sometimes I would even get medical requests from real humans.

A Bank Teller - Penny Nickles

A Monopoly board game was perfect for playing bank teller.  I'd put the top of the Monopoly game box on the top of the two boards (usually Monopoly and Candy Land).  I'd put the monopoly money with the tray inside my little teller window. 

There were so many other pretend things I would play.  A pretend secretary at a large Fortune 500 company or a television character from the TV Show "V" (1980's version).  A child star who made her debut on Circus with the Stars as a trapeze artist.  She was so good she quit her day job and joined a traveling trapeze troupe.

I often wonder if I were born twenty five years later if I would have played pretend as much.  Maybe, maybe not.  What with the advent of video games and the internet it seems like imagination and pretend play is SO different.  Creativeness is built from imagination and pretend.  What is built from the minds of children brought up with video games and the vast, overwhelming internet?  It seems to be forced imagination sometimes.  Kids are being told what character they are going to be.  Problem solving and hand/eye coordination is enhanced, to be sure, but what else and at what cost?  Kids have to keep a farm or a city or a virtual pet alive.  Has that taken the place of playing dolls and house? I'm not saying it is altogether a bad thing, but it is definitely different.  

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