Old Lanes Sign


Hab a ((hiccup)) furry habby dew ear!! ((hiccup))

Santa Should Use Gift Bags

Christmas is upon us!

My oldest has been wise to the whole "Santa fib thing" for a few years; my youngest is still on the fence.  In place of being totally over the whole Santa is magical thing - he has instead employed and perfectly crafted his ninja skills in figuring out all the presents he will receive.

The first order of business with him is to feel up all the gifts to figure out what is in each box:



I could remedy this by not putting some of their gifts under the tree until Christmas morning (like I did when they were toddlers) - this will not do. Being an evil and smart ass mother, I love to taunt them.  That is why I put most of the gifts out prior to Christmas morning because I gain great pleasure in watching the boys get so excited looking at the gifts under the tree. The oldest isn't as bad as the youngest. 

Again, I will explain that my youngest doesn't *necessarily* believe, but he is at the age where he still is in love with the idea; he blocks out any words his brother tells him to negate that fact. 



To keep some of the Santa magic alive in his sweet little heart, I will leave the big ones for Santa that will be under the tree on the morning of Christmas. 

I have to be craftier and more careful than in years past. When they were toddlers to preschool age, I could just write "From Santa" on each gift tag in my own writing; now I have to go to great lengths to mask my writing lest the youngest will figure me out. My excuse the first time he noticed the handwriting resemblance, "hmmm...you are right, Santa and I DO have similar handwriting. The reason is, back in my day, my school had a semester of handwriting and Santa's was one of the writings we were taught".  Luckily he asked no more questions because I had nothing else to give.







Beyond that, I also have to buy special wrapping paper for all the Santa gifts. It would be totally obvious to him if Santa's gifts were wrapped in the same paper as all the other gifts; it would be non-believable to tell him that Santa forgot to have his elves wrap his gifts.  As if Santa spent time in our home tiptoeing around to find some wrapping paper. 



My son would just yell at me that..."SANTA DOES NOT HAVE TIME FOR THAT! HE HAS MILLIONS OF HOUSES TO GO TO IN A NIGHT. YOU ARE PULLING MY LEG! MY LIFE IS RUINED! **he runs out of room in tears**."  (Huge Hyperbole, Over Reaction, Over Dramatic).

This Christmas both my boys wanted angry birds plushies - my youngest asked for a red one and my oldest asked for a yellow one. I bought cute little boxes and put the plushies in there. I was certain that neither of them could figure out what is in those boxes.

Yesterday, when I took my youngest out to Target to buy his father and brother a gift, he says he wanted to get his brother an angry bird plush. I say, "no, Santa might be getting him one". To which he replies, "that tells me you got him a plush already". I say "not necessarily". A little later he says he changed his mind and wants a large red plushie. I said, "but I thought you asked for a red bird and your brother a yellow bird?" He says "no, Mom, I asked for the yellow one and he asked for the red one". The look on my face was clear. He figured out I, in fact, already bought them the angry birds plushies and mixed them up. My poker face failed - I played it cool. This left me with a decision. He'd already inventoried every gift under the tree; if I go to those two presents and switch the name tags now he is going to know for certain those contain the angry birds.  I'm left with the only choice to make and have them open the gifts as they are and then they can switch after the fact.  I pray to the sweet baby Jesus that one will not decide to be a huge turd biscuit and decide keep the one they got.  A huge fight will ensue. 

Another thing.  While we were at Target trying to figure out what to buy his brother, he decides he wants to get a video game his brother. I tell him, again, that Santa may bring him a video game. He is fully aware that I usually get him and his brother similar presents. If one gets a video game the other will too. So, the fact that I am gift blocking his present idea tells him that he DID get the video game he wanted. That is TWO presents under the tree he has figured out. He thought he had a video game under the tree by the way it felt and sounded. He now knows I am a liar skillet.

I told him it was a DVD movie to throw him off the scent. I knew I shouldn't have been so goddamned lazy and found an undescript box to wrap it in. 

What ever happened to the days of yore - when you wanted to know what you got for Christmas you snuck around and peeked in all the known hiding places? If they were wrapped you learned to pull the tape up at one side and then carefully, peek inside.  Afterwards, you taped it back down and no one was the wiser...





Kids, nowadays, use their ninja mind skills instead of antiquated fine motor skills.

That is where asking them what they want for Christmas kind of blows up in your face; that is why it is always best to pay attention to them and what they like/dislike. Find something you know they'll love but hadn't thought to request. That is easier said than done, but I *think* I did it this year. I bought my oldest a telescope (because he says he wants to be an astronomer) and I bought the youngest a Kindle and a Kindle case (because I say I want him to read). I put the Kindle in the Kindle case and wrapped it up. He now is obsessed with that gift because it matches nothing on his Christmas list. Usually he isn't this perplexed because in Christmases past all unknown gift have usually been underwear and socks and he could easily figure those out.

Now I have a couple WWE Action figure to wrap and you all know how those things are packaged. That's why they are yet to be placed under the tree. Unless I locate two boxes to wrap them in, he will know for sure what they are. The lumpy wrapping it would be if I just wrapped it as is would be a huge tip off.  Unfortunately, the only boxes I have in my home that the toys will fit in are those super sized boxes of tampons.  Yeah...I can see how that would go.  Mommy does not want to answer menstrual cycle questions on Christmas morning.

I'm half tempted to take the WWE Action Figures out the packaging and just hide them in the tree.  My family used to hide money in our tree when I was growing up.  It was great until the time they forgot and managed to put away the tree with money still hidden in it.  Months later it is remembered and we had to drag the tree back out and hunt in it for the money.  When you are five it is a fun game; when you are fourteen it stinks - like reindeer farts.  


What I Did Today...

....this being the day my mother birthed me. 

9am
I woke up.  Yay, success!

I checked my Facebook to see how many Happy Birthday's wall messages I had received while I slept.  I inventoried who I had yet to hear from and took note. (not really, but I know people who do that).

I got trampled on by my youngest son in my bed because he wanted to give me his gift as soon as I woke up.  He hands me the bag with a pink robe.  A mom gift indeed.  Yet, I love it.  It's soft and wonderful and pink! 



My son then goes into wake up his brother so I can get his gift.  My oldest son walks in all sleepy like and hands me an umbrella.  Another mom gift.  Yet, I love it.



Husband is half asleep beside me and tells me Happy Birthday.

The boys hand me my birthday cards.  They are not signed or placed into envelopes.  They were just given to me as is.  Like they looked when they were bought.  Yet, I love it.

I get up and put on my pink! robe.

9:30am
I go to the living room and check Facebook and my phone for any birthday text messages.

My husband gets up and makes me coffee.

I open my gift from my husband.  It is a huge package.  I unwrap it and see that he got me a full length mirror.  You know, one of those ones that is oval and sits on a base and you can adjust the mirror up and down?  Yes, one of those.  He says he got it because I told him I wanted one and that I should have something to look at my outfits.  Now if he could give me great clothes to go with this mirror that would be awesome.  The mirror is kind of a mom gift.  Yet, I love it.



Hubby asks me if I turned 35.  I told him no.  He said, 36?  I get pissed for a minute.  

I work on some blog posts that I didn't plan on posting today.

Noon
I took a nap.

1:30pm
I watched a "First 48 hours" marathon on A&E with my husband.

3pm
I napped again.

3:30pm
I ate some bite size Twix candy bars and drank a sugar free Red Bull.

I went to the bathroom to pee.

I finally got dressed.  Yes, that's right.

4pm
I watched another 48 hours episode.

4:30pm
My oldest son and I drove to town to Target to finish up some Christmas shopping.

We spent two hours trying to find gifts and walked the store fifty times.

6:30pm
We loaded up our purchases in the back and got in the car.

I spent twenty minutes on my phone trying to register a Pizza Hut app so I could order dinner and pick it up.

6:50pm
Got pissed because the registration wouldn't work so I had to call instead. Blimey!  I thought it was law that all things go right on your birthday?

We drove to get the pizza.

We got there too early so we sat in the car and played on our phones.  He played a game and I checked my Facebook for more birthday posts and took more inventory of those who did not message me yet.  (again, not really.)

7pm
We pulled up to the carry out window and picked up the pizzas.  

We drove home.

We ate.

I checked FB and did a "like" on every one of my Happy Birthday wall messages.  Replied to a few of those who asked me questions.

Called someone who wanted to wish me a Happy Birthday.  From there she tells me to check my email.  I check my email and I have received a $50 Sephora gift certificate!  I love you, Amber!  (She knows me so well).

Drank some iced tea.

Had Hubby get me another slice of pizza and refill my ice tea cup.

8pm
Pulled up blogger and started typing up this post.

8:30pm
Drew the blog pictures.

9:15pm
Posted it!

Future:
11:50pm
Exact moment I was born.  Ten minutes before Christmas Eve.  My mother always said she went into labor with me while she was in church for a Christmas service.

Tomorrow:
Christmas Eve
Wrap more presents.  Do some baking from a refrigerated cookie roll (lazy).  Post another blog I have been working on for two freakin days.  I'm not at all happy with it yet.  

The sole reason this post was pushed through as a time filler. 

Plus it gave me an excuse to tell everyone it was my birthday.

And to finally confess that I do notice when some people haven't wished me a Happy Birthday and wonder what the heck they had to do today that was more important than to get on FB and wish me a Happy Birthday!

Question:  Do you have a birthday or are you an alien from another planet where you are not birthed but just are and always have been?

PS:
To be serious...the best birthday gift I have received is a healthy husband and a wonderful family.  His heart surgery was a success and his recovery is going well.  Sore, sure....but well.  That is all the present I could ever want.  Thank you everyone for the well wishes by the way.  


Chicken of the Sushsea



This might be the last post for a week or so because my dear husband is undergoing heart surgery in two days.  For the history of why he is having this surgery please go here and read.  Depending on how he does will dictate the time I will have to sit and write my blog.  If he does really well then I'll have some time.  If he does well but needs a lot of assistance then I won't have as much time.  If he doesn't do well.....well I'm not going to think about that because he is going to do AWESOME.  A doctor and a robot are involved.  Enough said.

Now on to my topic of discussion.  My husband and I had to drive up to Cleveland OH to prepare for his surgery.  One evening we decided to go to a fancy restaurant at the hotel.  He had a pork tenderloin while I ordered the sushi.  This was the second time I have had sushi.  The first time was not much of a success but I didn't want to give up after only trying it once.

Sushi. I know many people love the stuff but I just can't get myself to like it.  It isn't even the raw fish that bothers me.  Nope.  I can eat raw fish with no problem.  The part that I hate is the seaweed.  I literally have to gag the stuff down my throat.  I'm not sure why I find seaweed so insulting.  Maybe I don't care for it because, in my mind, seaweed is the toilet paper of the sea.  It's what sea creatures use to clean themselves after using the sea bathroom. 












 Bon Appetit!


Question:  What do you think of sushi (before...and now after reading this post)?

Contrary Christmas Tree



I bought a Martha Stewart Living Christmas tree today.  
It was tough work, but I managed to get her in there.  
In typical Martha style she is being quite contrary about the whole situation.


Waffle Iron Apocalypse

I hope everyone had a wonderful, happy, belly full of Thanksgiving; mine went well.  My side of the family visited and we ate, drank and reminisced - like every year, pretty much.  

This year, as everyone knows, the day after Thanksgiving sales started at midnight instead of the usual 4-5 a.m.  Television ads tried to get everyone into a frenzy of DOORBUSTING pandemonium.  From what I can tell from recent news coverage...it worked, famously.  




Seriously, people.  Really? 

I think it was Jerry Seinfeld who said once that if the aliens were watching us and they saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop that the aliens would assume we were the pet in that relationship. 

In a similar note, after watching that video, I am convinced the aliens are comparing that video and a video of cows being corralled and cannot find any difference between the two.  Aliens are geniuses, by the way.

Two strangers waiting for the doors to open for Black Friday:






Two strangers on Black Friday, five minutes later...



By the way, it is no coincidence that this Spazztastic lady has an alien shaped head and wearing the color of Satan.   



I haven't been shopping on Black Friday in eleven years.  I swore that was the last time ever.  What possessed me that it was a good idea to venture out with the crowds two weeks after giving birth to my second son is beyond me.  A son who was a breasfed baby, by the way.  Me, in line for two hours.  Those two hours pass and I am in an uncomfortable HELL.  Then a baby cries in the store.  If anyone is reading this and has breastfed they will know exactly why that sound is not a great idea.  Immediately I abandoned my cart by the customer service counter and power walked to the car.  I sped home on the verge of tears because of the pain.  Never again.  Plus I hate pushy people, long ass lines and insane crowds.  Yeah, like I said, I don't know what possessed me to do it.

Question:  How was your Thanksgiving?

Flu Shots and My Kids





THEIR FANTASY






MY REALITY


The Price is Right Retro Hate


These are some things I love about my husband:

1.  He lets me drag him to trendy shopping places he would never in a million years ever go to on his own.  Like IKEA, like Trader Joe's, like World Market.  He does it because he knows I love going.  He does it even though he will miss his football games.




2.  He allows me to *check in* to those trendy places on Facebook and tag him while I'm at it.  When he asks me if I am going to *check in* I say "yes, I have to prove to people that we get out of the house to do interesting things sometimes".  He laughs even though I'm fairly certain he realizes I'm a mess.  He loves his mess.

3.  He fills up my car gas tank for me when I run low - without me asking.  

4.  He starts my car for me during cold days so it will be warm when I get in - without me asking.  

5.  He makes coffee for me before I get out of bed - without me asking.  Although, he isn't entirely motive free in this case.  This is what he has to deal with before I have had my coffee:




6.  He makes sure to buy my favorite snacks at the store when I'm not there with him.  He does this even though I sometimes fuss at him for buying things that I shouldn't be eating and that will make me gain weight. 

7.  He doesn't humor me when I play the "how much do you think I paid for this, game?"

For example:
I walk in my house holding an unopened box containing a brand new toaster oven.  One of these:



To him I say - "Look what I got at the store today."

He responds - "I see."

I say - "guess how much I spent on it?".

Here is the history of this little game between he and I.  

I gain great pleasure from showing off when I obtain merchandise for an insane low price.  He, in turn, has adapted to my need to show off and won't allow me to bathe in superiority.  He has gotten wise to me.

Back to my question:  "guess how much I spent on this?"

He says -"$12.00?"  

I then respond - "I hate it when you guess down!  You know very well that I didn't pay $12.00 for this kitchen appliance".

"Of course I know that", he says.

Me - "Damn it, why won't you humor me?!  It's like you are on The Price is Right and you are that person who constantly bids $1.00 so you don't go over."


Him - "Ha Ha Ha Ha, you nailed it!"

After a couple of dramatic sighs, I finally told him that the toaster oven was marked down from $45.00 to $19.99.

Him - "Wow, honey you did good!  Hell of a deal!"

"Hmph.", I say.

So.....why do I love this about him?  I don't know, I just do.  At the time it annoys me but we always end up laughing from it.  Plus, I love that I can predict that he will do this and he never once lets me down.


Many marriages fail because the couple do not know how to annoy each other properly.  There is a right way and wrong way.  Don't annoy your partner out of indifference or to get back at them or to get out of doing something they want you to do.  Only do it when it brings joy to the other person.  "Bringing joy to the other person" are the key words in that sentence.  Learning how to annoy your other half in order to bring them joy takes time, patience and practice.  Go forth and annoy!



(By the way - My The Price is Right phobia is still in effect proven by the fact I hyperventilated while drawing the picture above.  Those damn retro 70's flowers kill me.  To make a long story short, I hate The Price is Right.  My grandmother used to watch it every day when I was growing up.  The damn loud music, the over excitable contestants, the putrid 70's set, the Bob Barker gross kissing, all of it.  Every bit of it created this phobia in me.  To this day I can't watch it when it comes on.  I fall over myself running to the remote to quickly turn it to another channel.  I was convinced at one point that a contestant would be beheaded by that spinning wheel.  The yodeler man falling off the end of the game...hated it.  Plinko.....okay I kind of liked Plinko.  I also liked the punching paper holes game.  That was all I liked though.)


IN OTHER NEWS!
It's that time again for me to honor people who comment on my posts.  Today, I honor Sian from Siany Blog.  She's awesome, takes pretty pictures, posts about her life.  And she's from the UK.  I love the UK.  I want to kiss the UK.  I want fly to the UK and upon landing at the airport immediately run out, find a heather field and roll around for hours.  Yes.

Please go to her blog and read about her engagement story. Thanks!

Keep commenting please, I love comments!  More than The Price is Right but not as much as the UK.

Fork You Too, Beech Tree!

I started this here blog as a way to vent and entertain my friends and myself (or no one but me).  For that reason alone it should not matter to me when I lose a blog follower.  I told myself that I would post and not think too much or edit to pacify others.  I'd let things fly and see where they land and what kind of response I'd get (or not get).  As a whole it has been slow going, yet positive.  My blog has slowly grown in readership in a respectable amount of time.  I like it that way and that is all that should matter.  

But, I can't help but wonder why I may have lost a follower and investigate as to why this probably happened.  I am all about learning how this blogging world works, you see.

Here are some possible reasons I have come up with:

1. The person was sick of my constant blogging? By constant that means they don't like when someone posts once a week or more. 

"That's too many posts to read, I can't handle this person, she is way too into herself.  I have no time for her shenanigans.  I shall remove her from my feed immediately and go hang out at Pinterest to re-pin every fudging internet picture ever posted.  Including, but not limited to, repinned pictures of George Clooney that can also be found with a simple and quick Google Image search -George Clooney Hot-".
Granted, The Clooney is hot.  But the whole point of Pinterest is to share interesting pictures and pictures that inspire you.  I suppose you can be inspired by George.  Most are R-rated inspirations though.

2. I use profanity in my posts?

"Reading those dirty words are going to lodge into my brain and make me do evil things. No, I can't let that happen! I am one of those people who think when people use profanity they are not intelligent enough to not use those words.  Why can't she replace those words with cutesy words instead?  Like Shoot, Fudge & H-E-Double Hockey Sticks?  That will make her sound much smarter". 

Yes, I use profanity. I've got the smarts real good and could choose not to use profanity in my posts. However, sometimes when telling a story there is no other word that expresses when I'm feeling frustrated better than a good old "FUCK!".

3.  Perhaps my content isn't educational or interesting enough?

"This person is not holding MY interest.  None of her posts teach ME anything.  Her blog does not have any interesting pictures that I can Pinterest the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks out of".
For that I am sorry.  I'm sorry I can't show you step-by-step craft techniques which will make your frenemies resent you that much more.  You know, because they will be jealous of your outside of the box thinking when baking a carrot cake.  By the way I want to say again that it doesn't bother me at all that you stopped following me.  Seriously, no sour grapes here.  None, nada, zilch. 

"Thank you Pioneer Woman.  I'm going to pin that recipe and show that *beech tree*, Shelly, that her carrot cake pins are boring and that mine are awesome."

*Goody goody person's curse word for bitch:  "beech tree". Or so I would assume*

4.  The person deleted their Google account?

"Dear Google, 
I would like to delete my entire Google account and all attached accounts that lie therein.  You see, I am simplifying my life and getting rid of everything that doesn't make me at one with nature.  I plan to use the next year as a way to build my end of the world underground lair.  I will be one of the few who actually survive the Mayan End of the World prophecy.  Please don't try to contact me to request I stay on the Google grid.  I am moving to a location where no one would think to look for me.  No one needs to know where I am because I have no intention of sharing any of my canned goods, oxygen tanks or zombie repellant.  THEY ARE MINE!  
Sincerely, unabomberlvr122112@gmail.com"
This is what I like to see on Pinterest.
There should me more zombie pins and more repinnings of the same zombie pins.  
More! More! More!

For some reason, losing a follower actually makes me feel sort of proud?  Like I might actually be writing something that is interesting, even if that something interesting is not interesting enough for a particular demographic. 

With all that being said...all of this post just could be one big egotistical clusterfudge on my part because the person truly could have just fallen off the face of the internet earth. It actually might not have anything to do with me.  For shame!

OR the reason could just be this:

5.  I blog about bodily functions.

Halloween Poo Costume Post

Do you think?  In my defense, it didn't seem too bad a thing to write about?  I mean, sure, poo is gross and imagining dressing yourself in poo might be tasteless and disgusting to some people; but come on, everyone poops!  Stop acting like your winky hole never does the push downs.  

If it is any consolation I didn't actually intend on dressing up as human excrement.  It was a joke.  In reality, I dressed up as this:

Zombie Librarian
"I shall use my zombie spray repellant if this beech tree even 
thinks about breaking into my apocalypse cellar to 
eat my brain and canned goods."


I wish I could tell all the grossed out people out there that they were only having a nightmare that day I posted that poo post and that, in reality, it wasn't "feces" I was talking about, but "faces".  Yes, that's right.  I did a whole post about Rod Stewart's first band.



Interesting fact.  If you put the word "feces" in the search box on Pinterest you will find that there are zero pins and zero boards honoring it. 


 

(P.S. Offending Pinterest lovers isn't my intention in writing this post.  If it helps I will tell you that I have a Pinterest account and I love the damn place.  I'm just not nuts with it.  I look more than I pin or repin.  I have a total of seven pin boards & eight pins on my account -  none of which have multiple repins of Pattinson or chocolate cake balls.  But I love Pinterest, I truly doo doo.  If you remove me off your feed because you are sensitive over your love of Pinterest then I'm sorry we can't be bloggy friends anymore.)


http://pinterest.com/wheresthehobos/

You know what my Pinterest boards say about me?
They tell people that I have absolutely nothing to contribute
to the Pinterestsphere other than that
I suffer from the wanderlust....real bad.

For good measure I might as well offend people even more and possibly lose a few more followers by posting this tasteful drawing.   



You're welcome, or I'm sorry (whichever the case may be).




Question (for blog writers):  Do you ever notice if you lose a blog follower and, if so, do you give a flying fork?
 

Porterhouse Wagoner and the Banshee Baby


I am sitting here thinking about all that Kardashian divorce/give back the damn gifts - drama and the Lohan prison -will she or won't she serve more than a day?- crapola.  I don't like being this way, but the media is force feeding me these "newsworthy" nuggets and like a new girl on a porn set, I obediently listen and pay attention.

My mind wanders (of course).

I wonder what it is like to be famous? How it must feel to walk around and have people stare at you all the time. I'm sure the perks are great when you want to get into someplace exclusive and just because of who you are you are given high priority acceptance.

It's hard to wrap my head around the concept of fame. I try to imagine it for myself but just can't do it. Possibly the reason is because I don't feel comfortable being watched. I avoid social situations and can only imagine how I would feel with random strangers just walking up to me for no other reason than to just be in my presence.

I've never actually met anyone super famous. I've seen famous people from afar when I've gone to concerts and such, but that is about it. The only famous person that I've ever had an official run-in with was when I was an infant. And the stories all come from my family as I was way too young to remember any of it.

His name was Porter Wagoner and many may not even know who he was. Hell, I doubt I would know if it weren't for my mother. He was pretty famous country singer back in the day and had his own country variety show. He actually helped Dolly Parton break into the business. Her song "I'll Always Love You' was written for him.

The story goes like this - my mom had taken me and other family members out to a local steakhouse for dinner. Apparently, Porter Wagoner was in town for a concert and decided he had a hankering for a big juicy steak. He came to the restaurant ready to enjoy a good meal only to encounter an annoying infant who wouldn't stop screaming at the top of her lungs. That was me. My mom said I humiliated her in front of Porter and she could not get me to stop wailing. Why she didn't just leave I don't know but the fact that my mom was a huge country music fan could be my first indicator. Unfortunately for Porter, he couldn't enjoy his meal. Eventually the poor guy had to get up and leave to get some peace. To this day I imagine him sitting all lonely in his hotel room still wearing his rhinestone suit and pompadour hairstyle trying to eat his medium rare steak and cursing at that stupid fucking baby with her over developed lungs.

He's dead now so I'll never have the opportunity to apologize for my childish behavior and offer to buy him a new dinner.



There are plenty of Porter Wagoner videos on youtube but none do him justice as the one below.  This proves he has a sense of humor.  Just not when it comes to crying babies and steak dinners.

Borat interviews Porter Wagoner:



QUESTION:  Have you ever met anyone famous?

Fun With Photoshop - Trash TV



Last month my good friend and I bought tickets to the "So You Think You Can Dance" tour.  We had dinner before the show, I got drunk, pictures were taken.  We had a blast.  Yesterday she texted me a couple pictures of that night.  The last one she sent was captioned with "You look really good in this picture".  I was excited because it is rare that I look good in candid pictures.  I receive it and laughed out loud.  Bless my heart.  My reply to her can best be explained with a visual of the picture after I photoshopped it.  

 
Big hair, halter top, tight pants, drunk eyes.


Question of the day:  Do you love to watch trashy TV?



This post is dedicated to my goof friend, my partner in crime, my Twin. ♥

I Will Win Awards

Well...tomorrow is Halloween - the scariest time of the year and a great time to inflate my belly with sugar, chocolate and sticky sweets.  A time to throw out all candy corn that comes into my home. That stuff is the worst.

When I was little, I loved Halloween....LOVED it.  I suppose I still do - but when you get to be an adult with children (who also feel like they are too old to dress up) it kind of gets depressing.  The past few years I have dressed up anyway.  Damn it, I want to still have one time a year where I have an excuse to be a crazy lady.  All other times of the year I am still a crazy lady...but with no excuse.  I also want to use my imagination for once.  Last year I was a black cat.  Snooze.  The year before that I was a lady bug.  Double snooze.  This year I want something with a WOW factor.

So, I got to thinking and lots of ideas came to mind.  Here are some of them:

  • A Red Bull Can
  • Anthony Bourdain
  • A window with curtains (I figured saran wrap and red/white gingham fabric would be involved.  Maybe an apple pie balancing on my chest.)
  • A whorse   (slutty dressed horse costume)

Gah, this is hard!

Fuck it, I shout to myself!  I'll just pick something that is popular right now and just go out and buy it (since I'm lazy).  I love playing Angry Birds on my phone.  So I decided that's what I'll be.  See below:

Strategically placed bird face.  Is that my pecker?


For two days my plan was in place.  I was going to drive to Target and buy this costume for myself.  But then....

I gave up on that idea.  I got inspired to be imaginative again.  I thought to myself "I can meld the Angry Birds idea into something outstanding!"  So here's what I came up with:

A Misanthropic Turd's Thought Process:  "Humankind is the Worst!"



Jackpot!  Making this costume should be a breeze right?  The tough part would be trying to find a mini-toilet to hold the candies I plan to hand out.  Here's what I'd need to buy:

  1. Brown hooded sweatshirt and sweatpants
  2. Brown felt (a lighter & darker color than the clothes)
  3. Brown marker
  4. Brown makeup
  5. Mini Toilet???
  6. Toilet Paper
  7. Ear of Corn 
  8. Tootsie Rolls (to hand out to the trick or treaters)


These supplies shouldn't be more than $30 right?  I hope not, because I am cheap.

Now...I don't want you all to go out and steal my costume idea.  In order to prevent this I have come up with some other poo costumes for everyone.  They are very topical and fitting for 2011.  Enjoy....



This one is for all my Democrat friends.  Your friend or significant other could dress as "Herman Cain in the Ass".



Your friend can dress up like "Ushturd" or "Selena Poomez".



Your significant other could dress up as "Prince William of Smells" or your best girlfriend could dress up as "Poopa Middleturd"



This one is all kinds of YES!

And last but not least, this one is for all my Republican friends.
Your friend or significant other could dress as "Pee Party Supporter".


 Question:  Do you all have a Halloween costume this year? What is it?


HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO EVERYONE!
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