Fun with Photoshop: Ghouls and goblins and girls in slutty costumes...OH MY!






When I was a young girl I dressed up as Holly Hobby and Alice in Wonderland and Strawberry Shortcake.  I suppose it is a rite of passage for girls to grow up and still dress as those characters but with a slight deviation.  That deviation being the size of the costume in comparison to the size of the person.  The little girl has grown up and the costume has shrunk down.  Cute and adorable becomes SEXAY and trashy.  There is a huge demand this time of year for those types of costumes for women.

But I think there is a whole market of Halloween costumes that are being ignored. I, for one, am not pleased with the blatant lack of availability of costumes for women characters who aren't normally thought of as SEXAY.  When will their voices be heard?! Let us all rise up and demand these women also have their place on Halloween shop shelves!

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Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz


Before that bitch Dorothy tornadoed into her atmosphere and smooshed her sister, the WW of the W was the sexiest chick in Oz.  I know you are thinking "What about Glinda? She was much sexier!" Are you kidding me?  That prude. The amount of tulle that covered her gams was outrageous.  Plus, women have been dressing like her for years.

In the movie, the WW of the W wore a black dress that covered her entire body. Every square inch was covered - it was like she was hiding a bad case of witchy psoriasis under there.

The Wicked Witch of the West character can easily be turned into a SEXAY Halloween costume.  You can still go with the black dress theme but instead you should buy a sheer black robe.  Add a splash of color by wearing a red bra and panty set underneath it and finish it off with a naughty pair of ruby slipper stilettos. Take that Dorothy!

(Evil flying monkey sold separately.)



I just showed you a great costume from a classic movie vixen.  But what about the cartoon realm?  If you go out to the stores right now and you are craving a cartoon SEXAY outfit you will have to buy a Jem & the Holograms costume.  You know who I think would be much better?...

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Tweety Bird's Granny from Looney Tunes


Come on, that lady had it going on!  For being so frail looking, she could kick Sylvester's ass if he dared to touch a feather on her sweet wittle Tweety's head. To get this look you should really go with the color yellow for obvious reasons. You can also buy a stuffed Tweety bird. Personally that isn't very SEXAY. Instead, get a Tweety Bird tattoo!  The rest of the look is completed with a grey wig and glasses.  That's it!  Now go out and show those other girls how it's done.

Tattoo can be done at any local tattoo parlor.  Look in your local yellow pages.



Another avenue is to pick a character from television.  At first thought most girls would go as a Charlie's Angel or Wonder Woman.  Where's the imagination?  I suggest.....

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Nellie Olsen from The Little House on the Prairie



Pick a strong girl who didn't take crap and knew what she wanted and BY DAMNED she was going to get it NO MATTER WHAT.  Most people called her a spoiled brat who made Laura Ingalls' life a living Hell.  If you ask me Laura was just jealous of Nellie's luxurious blonde curls.

To get this look, find a lacy little white number like the one above.  Of course the most important part of the costume would be a blonde curly wig and a HUGE white bonnet.  As an added bonus and for added flair I would recommend you go outside at some point during the Halloween party, find a hill, run down it until you tumble.  Laughs will ensue.  If you aren't brave enough then I would suggest tequila; lots of it.

Tequila can be bought at any liquor establishment.



Let's think outside the box for a minute.  Politics is huge right now what with election only a few days after Halloween.  I say you go political with your costume, but don't choose Sarah Palin.  Set yourself apart from all those unimaginative harlots.  Go with a blast from the past...

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Linda Tripp from the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal of the late 90's

I thought and thought about how to do a Linda Tripp Halloween costume.  Of course I knew a large frizzy bleachish blondish wig was a must.  But how else would people recognize who you are supposed to be?  Then it hit me; a SEXAY blue dress (semen stain optional).  I would also recommend pairing the outfit with a tape recorder handbag.




And, last but not least, my personal favorite.....
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Alice from the Brady Bunch


Allow me to share a weird story that I haven't told anyone before. Back when I was nineteen years old I worked at a movie theater at a mall.  I had to work on Halloween so a bunch of us decided to dress up.  My two friends were very creative and silly and they dressed up as The Roper's from Three's Company; they looked ridiculously good.  I really had to step up with my costume.  I thought about what I wanted to dress up as and decided to be Jan Brady from the Brady Bunch.  I went to a thrift store and bought the most hideous Pepto Bismol colored bell bottom jumpsuit.  It was truly hideous and was made out of scratchy polyester.  I also bought a long blonde wig because my hair at the time was much shorter.  I thought I looked awesome - the customers.....not so much.

Later that day one of my co-workers came running up to tell us that a celebrity was doing a book signing downstairs of the mall in a bookstore.  That celebrity was none other than Ann B. Davis (Alice from the Brady Bunch).  She was on a book tour at the time for a cookbook she had written.  I quickly ran to my boss and asked her if I could go down there to see Ann.  She said okay and I was off! A sight to behold in pink polyester flying down steps almost tripping down the steps. I would have taken the elevator but it was full of old people in wheelchairs.  As I was fleeing across the mall I received numerous side eye glances from sane people and a few catcalls of "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia".  I didn't have time to acknowledge their faux pas because I had to hurry to see Ann!  Finally, I arrived at Waldenbooks and.......

SHE WAS GONE!!!  :(  :(  :(  

I missed her by mere minutes.  Can you imagine how better this story would be had she seen me in my Jan Brady outfit?!  Can you imagine if I could have gotten a picture with her!?  Alas, it wasn't meant to be.  Somewhere though there is a picture floating around of me working in the concession stand in my Jan Brady costume.  If only it could have been Ann's popcorn I served.


I have to get that mouse out of my house and out of my life!







When you live out in the country you have to get used to all sorts of critters and creepy cooties.  It's a price you pay, I suppose, for the peace and solitude that you gain.  I, however, do not deal well with any animal that comes into my home uninvited. They are like vampires and should stay the fuck out (unless the vampire is a sexy, tall Nordic Viking and then I say enchant√©.  Spiders (shudder), ticks, silverfish, snakes (triple dog dare shudder) and zombie guinea pigs.  You name it; all are gross and nasty and deserve nothing less than extreme torture when caught.  

Mice, however, are kind of cute.  Not cute enough for me to pick up and cuddle, but still cute to look at in a controlled environment.  A controlled environment where there is no risk that the mouse can go rogue and use my leg as a highway and my face as its destination.  You can imagine my dismay a couple years ago when a field mouse had invaded my previous home. 

At first you don't realize you have a mouse.  They are stealthy like that.  But soon you start to find little turd pellets in places you do not like to have turds hang out.  The kitchen. Once one single turd pellet is spotted it is immediately a HAZMAT situation and everything else happening in the world has ceased to exist.  My sweet and innocent little aunt could call and say she was lost in the forest with a rabid bear stalking her and I STILL could not pull myself away from the catastrophe happening in my kitchen drawers and cabinets.  It is highly annoying because I hate to wash dishes and everything has to be washed.  Not only washed, but sanitized.

Once the kitchen was under control, I had to set about getting that bastard of a mouse.  I set out a few of those snap traps and I would check them constantly.  I became obsessed and I tried all different kinds of bait.  That devil mouse would eat the bait and the snap would never deal the death blow!  I even contemplated putting a pair of my panties (or lady drawers as I like to call them) in the trap as bait.  My dog loves to eat my lady drawers so why not a mouse?  Do you see my logic?  I didn't end up offering up my underwear bait but I was tempted. Eventually I had to come to terms that the snap traps were not going to catch this Em-Effer.  My mantra became "I have to get that mouse out of my house and out of my life!"

Here is where I started to feel guilty; I had to resort to glue traps.  I know, I know, they are horrible, but I had to get this mouse out of my house and out of my life once and for all!  I bought the glue traps and at least had the decency to look at the cashier with a look that said I knew I was evil and deserved no less than her contempt - I had to get that mouse out of my house and out of my life!  When I arrived home, I immediately set out the glue traps in my kitchen.  By now I knew the walking path of the mouse so I placed a couple at each end of my cabinets along the baseboards and one under the island for good measure.  My husband, who so far up to now in my mouse problem had been zero help, decided to taunt me for my inability to annihilate the mouse like a competent person. Little did he know I made a mental note to discreetly disappear next time the dog shit all over the carpet.  He would have to handle it and THAT would show him to taunt me (I have hundreds of these little mental notes of husband revenge).   Verbally, I yelled this to him:  "I DON'T CARE I HAVE TO GET THAT MOUSE OUT OF MY HOUSE AND OUT OF MY LIFE!!"

The traps were laid out and now all I could do was wait.  I took a bath in the candlelight to de-stress and try to forget about the glue trap guilt.  The thing about life, though, is there is a certain type of karma; taking the easy way out will always, and I mean always, bite you in the ass in the end.  That is foreshadowing folks so be prepared.  Go get some popcorn and sit back and await the doom.

Later that night I was in bed sleeping and dreaming of my mouse free house. Little dream snippets of me skipping around the house with a big smile while baking apple pies and drinking hot cider.  (In my dreams I am a delusional Suzy Homemaker - don't judge me.) Suddenly I awaken to a noise, and not the normal night time noise of my husband and his hobo train snoring.  The noise I heard was from the kitchen.  I bolted out of bed ready to greet the night with jubilee at catching that goddamned mouse once and for all preparing to proclaim "VICTORY IS MINE!".  I walked into the kitchen and see my dog over by the glue traps; except one was now missing.  Where the hell did it go?  Did he eat the trap? Did the mouse get on the trap with one foot and realize his predicament?  Did he then limp with one free leg and drag his glue trapped leg behind him out the back door?  Did his mouse family, who lived in the back field, see him coming and set up a mouse emergency triage?  



My imagination took me to a cartoon image of a mouse and his family that included a little brother mouse who proclaimed with tiny mouse fist in the air,  "THAT BITCH WILL RUE THE DAY SHE DID THIS TO MY BROTHER!  I WILL CHEW THROUGH ALL HER PANTIES JUST YOU WAIT!".

Seriously though, the trap was nowhere to be found.  I looked everywhere, even locations in the kitchen that the trap couldn't possibly be: in the upper cabinets, in the cookie jar, even in the freaking refrigerator!  Meanwhile, my dog is acting weird - you'd think that would have been my first clue, but no, my mind tends to ignore blatant clues.   Do you know where I am going with this story?  Are you good at figuring out endings? Shhh...don't spoil it.

I return to my comfy bed and yell for the dog to come with me (I make sure all my panties are in the hamper before I allow him into my room).  I am laying there but I can't get that missing trap out of my mind; it is driving me crazy!  My husband was sleeping beside me with not a care in the world - probably dreaming of football and big bosomed blonde bimbos.  That's his way.  Next thing I know I hear the dog beside my bed scratching the hell out of himself.  Now gnawing at his private areas is nothing out of the ordinary for him, but scratching?  He normally doesn't do that for more than a minute, but he was going to town I tell you.  Finally, I decide to figure out what is up; I get out of bed and turn on the bathroom light instead of the bedroom light.  Although I should have made husband as miserable as I was, I didn't.  I tell the dog to come over to me but he refuses - my dog doesn't normally refuse to come to me when told.  He has a guilty look on his face like he gets when he has tipped over the trash can or chewed up my LD's; so I know he has done something he wasn't supposed to, but I am not sure what.  I walk over to him and he lays down pretty much giving up and ready to accept his punishment of "bad dog, bad dog".  Out of the corner of my eye I notice his tail.  There is something stuck to his tail! Yes, it is the missing glue trap.  AHA, mystery solved and I am so relieved!  I can sleep calmly now without that mystery hanging over me.  

So now I know: my dog was curious about the trap and in the process of inspecting the glue trap, the trap got ensnared in his log furry tail.  The process of removing the trap was now in my hands.  No big deal; I just pick up his tail, grab the trap and pull.  Easy right? Well...........

It would be easy..... if that DAMN DEAD MOUSE WASN'T ALSO ATTACHED TO THAT GLUE TRAP!!!! OOOOOOOOHHHHH MMMMMYYYY GGGGGGOOOOODDDD!!!

I screamed like a banshee in the British Isles after a multi car pileup.

My husband jumped out of bed like he had been shot out of a cannon.  By that time I was huddled in a corner of my bedroom (like a pair of my chewed up LD's).  My husband stalked over to me and I point to the dog and his tail and the missing glue trap and the dead mouse.  He walked over to the dog, pulled off the "#3 worst moment of my life" (you don't want to know the first 2), and strutted past me rolling his eyes.  Like it was no big deal and I was clearly overreacting. My husband then leaves the room to dispose of the carnage.  Husband returned to bed and said it was taken care of and for me to go to sleep and a minute later he is back to snoring the hobo train blues.  Can you believe that? !  I had just spent at least an hour of my life in a flurry of emotions and he was probably sleepwalking the whole time.  If one can sleepwalk and perform tasks.  If people can sleepwalk and overeat I can choose to believe one can sleepwalk and perform exterminator duties.  At any rate I was SO worn out (like a pair of my chewed up LD's).  Crawling back into bed I attempted to go to sleep but now I had another nagging thought on my mind.  I turn over and I shake my husband from his slumber and ask him, "hey did you wash your hands?".  Sleepwalking husbands can perform mouse disposal but washing their hands afterwards would be out of the question.  They are grown boys after all.

In conclusion of this long story (thanks for sticking with me), I have learned that glue traps are not the best route of mouse catching.  My dog hasn't learned to stop chewing up my LD's.  And my husband has learned that he better wash his hands when I feel he needs to or I won't allow him to go to sleep.  Ever.

Is lung expulsion covered by health insurance?





I have been trying to lose weight. I lost a pound this week!

It all goes downhill from here.

My family has been awesome and I told them I would pick up fast food dinner for them as a treat. What the heck was I thinking?  I drove the half hour home with fast food smell surrounding my senses.  It was like my own personal Lost smoke monster.  I stood strong though.  I came home, threw the bags on the table, and got to cooking some chicken and veggies.  I scowled at them the whole time.  By them I mean both the family and the chicken/veggies.  At that moment in time those humans and food were trying to ruin me. When, actually, it was my own fault; apparently I am a master at deflecting fault.

I have been having pretty bad gas pains every morning when I get to work.  I work in an office and having gas is the equivalent of being caught picking your nose on a jumbotron at a sports event.  It's kind of hard to hide.  I knew it had to be something I was eating and wanted to think it was the yogurt. Turns out it is my morning fiber extravaganza. Hrmph. I eat my Fiber One chewy bar every morning for breakfast.  I have come to really enjoy and rely on that chewy bar to get me through the morning.  It is sweet and I don't get many sweets these days.  Well, apparently, fiber is healthy for me but causes gas like a champ.  I now have a dilemma; do I give up my morning chewy bar or continue eating it?  I got them on sale and have a huge inventory in my pantry!!  So now I suppose I'll have to start taking some beano before I have them.  Double hrmph.

Month two my goal is upping my exercise routine.  A friend of mine sends me a treadmill exercise plan that she says burns calories and increases stamina.  Sounds great since my only treadmill exercise has been walking.  Up until I got her routine I had been getting on my treadmill daily and I happily beepity boppity walk to the tune of "Lose My Breath" by Destiny's Child.  I get in my zone and I actually believe that I should have people pay me to lead them through the "power of the walk".  So, of course, I think I am up for the "running" of the treadmill exercise plan.  I thought about explaining what happened next but I think it is much more understandable in crudely drawn pictures. (FYI. I am not a ten year old girl as these drawings would suggest).


Here I am in the first five seconds of "the run"!



And here I am just minutes later.... 




As you can see my first experience into incorporating running into my treadmill routine didn't go as I had hoped. :(

I remain hopeful, but cautious.  Learning is an important part of a lifestyle change and I have learned I have my strengths and weaknesses.  My strength is willpower with eating; my weakness, obviously, is running.  Well, maybe it isn't running, but being able to keep my lung from escaping my body at the first sign of increased physical exertion.


(Please note: The other lung, not on the floor, in picture #2 is still hidden in my chest cavity laughing and pointing at her sister for being inferior.)

Have the aliens abducted all of our hobos?

This is my very first post! Here I am and, interestingly enough, I have bloggers block about what to post as my first entry. I figure the best place to start is an explanation of what I am doing here. No, not on this Earth. I know I am on this planet to come up with ways to waste time and fill up the atmosphere with energy I expend on unfinished tasks. Also, I want to let you know I am not an alien. I know that sounds like a weird confession but it is necessary to announce. You'll learn more if you continue reading.

I over share to the point of exhaustion and suspect my friends have had it with my incessant verbal poop squirts.  I have many cyber friends who say they are real and not really robots and believe, I do so choose.  To be a kind friend, I have decided to start a blog and cease posting so many Facebook updates and tweets.

Which leads me to divulge that I am fascinated by and/or obsessed with many things including, but not limited to: ghosts, lawn gnomes, potatoes, the origin of mountain dew, aliens among us who look like humans thanks to movies like Men in Black, Starman and that Kevin Spacey one that I can't remember the name.  In comparison, I also am frightened and/or freaked out by many things as well. Among these are my basement, The Price is Right, self love scenes in movies, Brendan Fraser's handsomeness demise, aliens among us who look like humans (also listed as a fascination above), the Incredible Hulk from the television series. This also includes poor hearing impaired Lou Ferrigno, who probably wouldn't hurt a fly, but I group him into my phobia because he provided the physical body of the Hulk.

All of this I will get into as my blog progresses and will try to provide explanation. Along with that I will probably also post time-wasting filler posts and I might as well share things about my family. My husband will star, as will both my sons and my dog. Guess who enjoys walking around the house all night scraping his toenails on the hard wood floor and gnawing away at his nether regions?  My dog, not my husband.  I repeat my husband does not do either of those things...(while in my presence).

Why is this blog name about hobos? Another fascination of mine; I really like the thought of hobos. I wonder where they have gone? I know they are around, but homeless people live in cities, hobos live on trains. Do they still? Hobo questions are endless in my mind. Also, I don't like sitting for a long period of time trying to come up with cute and clever names that I hope people will enjoy. So, hobos it is. For now, barring the National Association of Train Vagrants do not sue me for copyright infringement, this blog title will remain. By the way, I need to post to Paula Cole and her management that the title wasn't a play on her song unless I did so subliminally. It is a true question of mine. If anything, we should bond over our curiosity of long gone (or are they?) men from olden times who ate a lot of beans by firelight.

In conclusion, K-PAX!! That is the name of that Kevin Spacey movie I couldn't think of earlier and now has popped into my head.

UPDATE: Apparently there is also a song called "Where Have all the Hobos Gone". It is linked to both Merle Haggard and John Prine. Those guys are awesome. But I just learned of this songs existence. So..yeah...this blog isn't a take on that song. No copyright infringement intended.
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